Being a mum makes me really really depressed please help!

[sosplease]

I have 2 kids, a six year old and a 2.5 year old. I have never really got used to being a mum. I will be totally honest, I really hate being a mum 99% of the time. It wasn't so bad with just one kid but I got pressed into having no.2 and since then (3 years) things have just got worse and worse and I just feel suicidal and never want to wake up. It feels totally alien to me. I never saw myself with 2 kids and it still feels wrong. I don't enjoy them. I find motherhood soul destroyingly empty most of the time and it is even worse that this is such a taboo that I have to constantly pretend. i haven't really got anything out of being a mum except for being poorer and my body being destroyed. i can't tolerate all the noise, mess, constant cleaning and i just feel like a slave.

I have applied for lots of jobs (not that we could afford childcare) but because i have no qualifications i am not even getting to interview stage and these are minimum wage jobs. Even volunteer jobs don't get back to me.

I have spoken to gp lots of times, tried taking antidepressants, tried all sorts of therapy. Nothing helps because I can't go back in time. I still miss my old life. Sure I was depressed but things were much easier and I could go out for a walk on my own without having to organise a whole bunch of crap that takes the joy out of the simplest thing.

My husband is useless, like a big child and never wants to do anything with the kids. Kids are depressed too because they have a mum who hates her life and a dad that is playing computer games all the time and only interested in his work. i resent my husband for making me do this when i really never wanted to have 2. I could have just about coped with 1.

The worse thing is that I see no way out of this. My husband is completely passive about everything and won't do anything to improve our lot. He doesn't want to move so we are stuck in a crappy living situation with no money. My family is mostly useless or far away. I don't have any close friends as i am always depressed and i don't trust people having been hurt so much in my life.

I don't really know what kind of replies i am expecting, it is more that I needed a release because i feel so shit. i really don't see any way out of this hole. Nothing makes me feel better.

Don't really have any advice. Don't wanna read and run. But here to hold a hand and listen (read).

I have been in a similar position, I was pushed into having more than I wanted too.
Does your youngest go to a nursery yet, can you get the 15 hours of free childcare to give yourself a bit of a break?
Could you just tell your husband that you are off out for a walk on a weekend day, so forcing him to step up and help you out? Would you feel less upset if he would at least help you out more?

Yes, my youngest gets 15 hours. My husband can't take much time off as we need the money (to pay our rent and all the other bills).

It just all feels very claustrophobic. I feel totally trapped in this world that i have created. I just don't see the point anymore. Nothing makes me happy. I am doing it all like a robot, not because I want to but because it is the default position. I feel like i have been battered by so many mistakes i have made, so much dissapointment and so many failures along the way and i just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. i am just going to get older and it is all going to get worse. Nothing makes me happy and i am just clinging on by my fingertips. i would take my life if i wasn't scared of the actual act of dying. i don't want to be here anymore.

not that long before the youngest starts school, then you can get some of your life back. Hang in there x

Have you ever had a diagnosis of anything?
Not even sure why I am asking the question, but need to start somewhere.

SOSplease I felt compelled to comment. Do you have any sort of outlet for your feelings? I know you said you've tried talking to the GP and various therapies and I understand that you feel it's your situation that's the problem and talking won't help it. Your DCs are old enough to be okay for you to take some time out on a regular basis.. assuming your husband is. Could you take some time for yourself at the weekend or evenings? Join a group that would interest you? Do some exercise? (I find exercise is like a little pause in my depression... when I manage to do it...)

I'm so sorry you feel like this. It sounds like failures etc. are overtaking your view of your own life... Can you find any positives? I would urge you to find some time for yourself and soon.. how can you possibly find your inner voice when you're surrounded by noise and mess and never-ending chores? (that's me talking about myself a bit there sorry)... Redressing the balance even just a little bit, might help in a small way.

Please don't give up. This too shall pass. You don't deserve to feel this way. Please take good care of yourself xxx

You mentioned being depressed before - have you had long term depression for a while? You could have dysthymia. Check it out if you haven't heard of it. I discovered it on here & think I have it, been referred by my GP to mental health unit for investigation. Most of what you have written is virtually the same as how I feel (my kids about 6mths younger).

Except my DP is very hands on. I think your husband needs to step up. Will he do stuff if you spell it out for him? Not major stuff like moving but things like taking the kids for a morning at the weekend. Would he go to couples counselling with you, if that's what it would take?

I can relate to what you say about feeling trapped. You sound so down .

Why do you feel you are the one who has made mistakes? Your husband sounds pretty crap, even abusive really, if you mean that he pressured you into a pregnancy you didn't want. Why do you think things will get worse? There's surely the growing independence of your youngest to look forward to.

I agree that you need some kind of release/outlet, if therapy doesn't work for you what else could you do to try to make yourself feel better and more 'yourself' for a while?

I just want to say you're not alone in feeling this way.

I feel much the same. I adore my children and DH but hate my life and who I've become. I don't enjoy being a mum but that's due to my MH issues, namely anxiety.

Like you I can't seem to get to grips with the noise, chaos, chores, slavery. I just want to be corker up on my own. Sometimes I think if I had a few months alone I could sort myself out a bit.

It annoys me when people say to have 'me time'. How is that achieved with two young DCs?

Watching with interest.

• curled up

Sosplease - how are you doing?