Need to talk

[Messupmum]

I feel so, so low. I can't even describe it. Nothing feels real, I don't want to be here but I have to be for my dd. it's so hard, I don't want to damage her but this has gone on for way too long. The suicidal thoughts are stronger. Every opportunity I get, I feel unsafe. Haven't a clue what to do anymore.

No one cares. I've texted three friends, that just shows how worthless I am.

Is it just you and your dd?
Do you feel depressed that's why you can't go on

How long have you felt like this, have you managed to see your doctor about it... if your on antidepressants they make your think suicidal thoughts so it's not you really it the meds making it feel you do it will settle and you will feel better again.
How old is your dd?

Yeah but she's not here tonight. I want up run away with her but I can't. I wish I had ended it when she was a baby, she's five now and that makes if harder.

I've been under cmht for nearly two years. Tried five ad's. Few different therapies. What's the point anymore, I'm failing.

What you have seen no difference in 2 years?
Your not failing depression is an illness and bloodly horrendous at that.

Your just having a blip we all do, you will come back up just think of your dd the smiles she gives you you must feel good then.
You will feel happy again there's no time limit on depression. How long have you been on your recent med

I've been diagnosed with bpd, there's no hope for me. I just did something, ok now, but I'm scared and so alone.

What did you do

I can't say on here. My friends are being useless, no one os there. Tried ringing Samaritans but it was a man so I hung up. Feel like it's not real.

Ok, try Samaritans again and again if you don't want to speak to a man.

What about your mum or do you have any sisters you could talk to
Don't write your friends off its late and they may be in bed!

Ring the crisis team tomorrow.
It's a bad time and when we're going through an experience like depression we are desperate for attention and to talk so you were right to ring Samaritan they are great people ring them again.

Have you any diazepam, perhaps you could take one of those to calm you down and stop the thoughts.

Feeling everything is pointless. I feel so worthless, and I know that's such a typical 'depressed persons' saying, but it describes how I feel so well.

Apart from dd, I see no other point in me being here. I'm a waste of space, going no where in my life. Why do I have to make everything so hard, why can't I have a proper job, have a husband, more children, be happy?

I'm trying, I really am, even though it doesn't seem like that to others. I'm trying to have a routine, pushing myself to get out to the shops etc, going to appts, and attending therapy even though I'm not finding it's helping at all.

I hate sounding whingy, I want to have a day when I don't want to hurt myself. I feel I'm like this because I'm doing everything wrong. I don't know what can help anymore.

Hi, sorry to hear you had a particularly bad few days.
If your diagnosis is bpd it does not mean it is a permanent thing, research shows many people do not meet the diagnosis if they re-do the SCID-D diagnostic tool used when first diagnosed. And that is without any treatment!! So it is not forever.

It sounds like you are struggling with being lonely, single parent and friends not there when you need them. Perhaps this is an area to work on? I do not have a huge group of friends or useful family either, and was told in therapy I had to be responsible for myself, which I find hard. I use things like music or tv in house to feel less alone. Try and space out seeing friends so if do see them they are not all in one week/period of time!! I found a course to do one night a week pre dc so got out and did something for me ( many free if on benefits), and there are quite a few daytime ones that run for 6 weeks or so. I find getting out of house every day lifted my mood - buy milk/ my course/ supermarket/ library etc. did not count MH appointments in that. Being at home with no job was hardest thing ever; as soon as could I got a part time job which helps with routine.

Sorry shared that about me as had to work at it. But doing the same old things just trapped me in a cycle of low mood and self harm. I had to think about what I wanted to change and do something about it. I cannot magic up a nice supportive circle of friends for me or you sadly. Today I brushed the floor, and I felt good for doing it. Could not say that 2 yrs ago. It is a slow process, just one step at a time. Why not pick one thing to change or do differently to help you? All about being kind to you sometimes.

Sorry for my waffle - worse at night too, sorry!!!

Messupmum (I'm sure your not)

Sorry you are having a rough time and feeling so worthless and in despair. It is so hard when you are in this frame of mind and must be very hard when you have tried so many tablets and therapies just to come back to this same place.

I have suffered with mental illness for 21 years now and at certain points in my life I have been suicidal and taken overdoses etc. Like you I've been on many tablets over the years, had ETC, stays in units the list goes on.

To the outside world my life looks good on paper, I have a wonderful husband, two lovely children and lots of friends, although I don't work but aside from that people who don't really know me that well would think I had a good life. However, when I am in an extreme depressive phase none of the above helps me because it is an illness, it distorts your way of thinking. You could have a hundred fantastic friends and it still wouldn't change the way you feel when your so ill!

I have no better advise than the lady above, yes routine is good and trying to just change the things you do little by little. Take each day as it comes (argh I hate that saying it's been said to me too much)

Please ring the crisis team back up again, try and get a cpn as it is good to have a regular person to talk to who understands, mine is invaluable although she's been off sick for the past 5 weeks! I have seen another one though in her place but she's not as nice.

You are not alone in feeling the way you do, sending you a big hug and I hope things start to change for the better soon, xxx

Thank you, I'm sorry others struggle too but it helps to know I'm not alone. I don't mind hearing your experiences Hoop as it gives me ideas. I keep meaning to look at courses but then the negative voices say I'll be useless at it, and there's no point.

I do have a cpn, on my fourth this year! Seeing her today but I feel bad as I'm not really improving, but she says the focus at the moment is keeping me safe. I keep wanting to cry. I just drove over a motorway bridge and wanted to cry because the thoughts were overwhelming.

Crying isn't a bad thing it gives a little release even if it is for a short moment.

Have you thought about volunteer work? Maybe for Mind or one of the other mental health charities? Or even with something that isn't to do with mental health. I have just been myself this week to inquire about volunteering at Mind, it left me feeling quite positive.

How about exercise, do you do much? I find it really helps me, I hate it whilst doing it and have to really force myself but I feel better afterwards.

xxxx

Just come out of my cpn appt and I can't stop crying. Just sitting in my car bawling. Feel like no one knows what to do, including me. Want to just keep driving..

What am I doing wrong to want to die more than I want to live? Crying again,

Hello. What are you told to do about the negative voices?

So why not say those nice people on MN say look for a nice course starting in Jan. just a short taster one. A beginners one. Believe me it is about going not achieving!!!! You do not have to commit but spend time looking at them. You could list the ones you like here and we could help you choose?

There are sadly no quick fixes. It is that long process. The Cpn will not know what to do - if they did they would have no job as everyone would be fixed!!!

It is what you can do to help you.

How I fought my voices was to do things - non mental health things. C's for too long all I had was MH appointments and no balance in my life. I learnt to say to voices, yes I hear you but you are wrong and then always do something kind for me. That is what I learnt in therapy, showing compassion to self - it is not something to seek from others but to be able to learn to do for oneself!

There ramble 2 from me on your thread.

So if any course existed what would you like? Craft based? Language? New skill? Exercise? Obscure?

Woken up feeling awful. I can't go on like this. Taking dd to see father Xmas today, I should be happy but I've got a feeling of dread and I don't want to go.

Nothing feels real, i feel like I can't be around anyone.