Depression or just circumstantial?

[NM94AS]

I'm sure this is going to be full of waffle so firstly let me apologise!

How do you know if you are depressed or just feeling low?

I have never really felt like I have enjoyed being a mum...don't get me wrong I love my lo to bits and would die for her, but she was (and still is) a very 'high needs' child. As a baby she wouldn't be put down, only slept in my arms, she breast fed hourly for the first 3 months, then 2 hourly for well over 18months and still wakes in the night although is usually pretty quick to settle back to sleep. I haven't had a decent nights sleep in over 3 years. It has been a very bumpy ride and not one I was prepared for...maybe I was naivé? My lo would not settle for anyone else except me, even now she won't go to bed for my husband, it has been very intense for me.

I often look at friends who seem to love motherhood, who say they feel complete by it, are the most content they have ever been and I don't feel that. I think I've had a really hard time adjusting to the new me and letting go of what I was before...partly my fault but also society expecting you to carry on as normal once you've had a baby.

I am currently a SAHM to said 3y old. We moved 200miles away from home for my husband's job 6 months ago. Before this I was working part time and had a good social network of friends and family close, my mum would look after my lo whilst I worked. I loved my job and had a lot of friends there, having worked there for the last 6 years. I had a tight group of friends all with small children too.

I feel completely lost...my husband works extremely long hours, leaving the house at 6:30am and returning home between 8-10pm 5 days a week. He also works 1 or 2 nights oncall a week so is even later home, if home at all and he works 1 weekend every 3 weeks.

I am slowly making friends in our new village, but it's a slow burn...trying to meet people who already have established social networks is hard. It's emotionally draining to feel so alone. I often go days without speaking to another adult.

I have little interest in doing anything most days, if it were not for my daughter I wouldn't get out of bed. I feel like a terrible mummy, we spend far too much time in the house as I find myself sinking in this black hole.

I shout far too much. I am not the mummy I would like to be. I get stressed far too easily and lose my temper...something I am ashamed of.

I have headaches every day. I've put on almost a stone since we've moved through comfort eating. And I cry every other day. I feel like I just want to run away and not come back. I feel chronically tired, but is that just motherhood? I keep thinking I'll feel better, I'll be a better mum when I'm less tired, but it never seems to happen.

Tonight I would have quite happily thrown myself under a train. I feel like I'm treading water...just holding on until my husband has a day off .

I don't know if this is depression or just circumstantial. Is it because we've recently moved and I've lost my life or has it been going on for much longer and whilst I had a good social support I could cope with my feelings?

My first thoughts are to go back on the pill and try and stabilise my moods? I feel so up and down all the time and I'm sure it's hormonal.

Looking at it all written down makes me think I'm making a fuss over nothing, it sounds so pathetic.

Not at all pathetic. It sounds like a big life change, especially moving to a new town so far away. And giving up your job, and your DH working so much.

Are there any mum and toddler groups you can go to? Do you drive?

I go around and around in my head, "chemical" depression versus circumstances. I had PPD when I had my DD, she was a lovely baby, I had a job, all was good really. She woke up, cried, etc, but no more than average. I would say that was chemical imbalance caused by hormonal changes.

I've been fighting going back on ADs for a few years, not knowing if it was circumstantial or chemical. In 2012 I went on holiday and felt better after a few days. So that's not chemical is it?

BUT (I hope I am sort of commenting on your question), real depression CAN come from circumstances. Redundancy, money problems, DH health problems, living in a flat that is too small with troublesome neighbours - feeling trapped - failing to sell the flat - these can all trigger real depression. So, your question is a very good one. I think you should talk to your GP. Or someone. Go on the Pill if you feel that balances your hormones.

It's not a fuss over nothing. You've made a big move and it's understandable to feel like that.

I have wondered the same thing about myself (newish mum, DH works long hours, moving house and other stuff). I went to the GP who diagnosed depression. My symptoms aren't as severe as yours - you are most definitely not being pathetic!! Go and see your GP, and take care.

Only a gp can diagnose. If you could tell them all the details like you posted here it would help. My question was : - if you had not moved, saw more of dh, had a part- time job and good sleep would you think you were depressed, would you feel the same? Gradually working on changing the issues or ways round them could bring good changes as to how you feel and lift mood.

Any chance you could book dc into a nursery/pre-school ( get funding once 3) to give you time to do things for you/sleep/exercise ( which helps lift mood)?

I could have written large parts of your post, I really cold. SAHM to "spirited" child, check. Moved to new town. Can't be arsed to establish a playgroup routine, as getting said child dressed and out of the house can be SO difficult. Sometimes I think I'm getting agoraphobic, but no, it's just a case of my child being too wayward and tantrummy for me to cope with a short jaunt to the high street

Depression or circumstantial? It's probably both. I asked my GP the same question and was fully expecting ADs (and I would have been happy to take them) but she suggested I get booked in to see the in-house counsellor. I thought "What, so I can tell them how much of a pain in the arse my child has been lately?"

I didn't pursue counselling and didn't go back to the GP. I think my problem is mostly circumstantial. But I don't fantasise about throwing myself under a train. I think you need to see your GP.

I could have written your post. We moved here for DH's job 6 years ago, when I was pg with DS2. No friends locally or family support network. Whilst I've made a couple of friends here, we don't socialise much as they are so busy with their own lives. I know they'd be there for me in a crisis, but they don't want to just get together for fun if you know what I mean. When my Dss were little, there could be days on end when I had no adult contact and we didn't leave the house. I missed the social aspect of work, as well as the fact that I felt far more productive there than I did at home. Unfortunately, my earnings wouldn't cover childcare for 2 children and we couldn't afford to take a net cut in income as a family. I don't know how much of it was circumstantial and how much was genuinely depression. My GP did diagnose PND and recommend counselling, but I had to go along to the counselling session with the toddler and baby in tow, and the counsellor wasn't very good anyway, so I didn't bother going back.

Now I'm pregnant with DC3 (what the hell am I doing?) and definitely suffering from Antenatal Depression. I am hoping against all hope that I won't automatically have PND following the birth, but fear that I might. The drop in my mood has been noticeable since I've been pregnant – it had felt like life was turning a corner and I was enjoying motherhood more once the children were at school, had a PT job and a hobby, but now I feel like I am going back to square 1 and will be trapped for another few years, only leaving the house to do the school run because I have to. I will make a concerted effort to get out and meet people but it is really hard work forging friendships when others already have their established friendship groups. More than anything I wish we lived closer to my family and friends (even though I haven't actually lived in my home town since I went to university 13 years ago!) as it's the only place I feel I have a proper support network. Unfortunately it's also one of the most expensive parts of the country to live in, so that will remain a pipe dream, unless DH's salary miraculously doubles or triples, as property costs are astronomical. :-(

Anyway, I think it's a combination of factors – for me it is definitely partly down to circumstances. Whatever your reasons for feeling the way you do, it isn't pathetic, and you certainly aren't alone in feeling like this. Preschoolers are really exhausting. So much of parenthood is tiring, thankless, mind-numbingly boring repetitive work – at least it is to me – I thought I'd love it, and envy those who do, but it has not been good for my sanity. I feel it has chipped away at my identity and everything that made me 'me'. I am thinking of asking the doctor for antidepressants but am concerned about the effect it will have on the baby, so trying to hold off until she is born.

Sorry, that turned into a long rambling post about my own problems. I do sympathise with you OP. I want to run away from my own life most days but keep hoping that it'll improve. Tiredness makes everything feel worse (typing this in the wee hours as I've been trying to sleep for 3 hours but my body has decided that a night of insomnia is what I need to put things in perspective

I wrestle with the either or thing all of the time - chemical or circumstantial - but conclude that is is both - bit like diabetes - always prone to it - so if lifestyle/diet etc is not in check then the diabetes flares up....and can tip into an episode -- so my effort is to keep it at bay - one hour at a time.

Doing the opposite of what I want to do when low was the best thing.

Start the day properly - get up dressed and outdoors - any excuse to buy a pint of milk before 10 am - when all I wanted to do was stay under the duvet in my PJs.

When I don't want to answer the phone or follow thru on a social event - I force myself to - and I always feel better afterwards.

Getting out is the most important thing you can do -- push yourself to playgroups.

Leave the wine alone I only was doing 2 glasses a night now none -- it lowers your mood so that the waters close over.

Go to bed early - I used to be up until 12 - now I go at 9.30

As others have said, it'd be a good idea to speak to your GP. I think your symptoms sound like depression, but then again you're in a very tough, and isolating, situation.

mulranno makes some good points. I had PND and was on meds for over 2 years, and am now off them. Things I do to help myself are: try to eat properly; try to get out of the house with DD (3) every day, even if it's just to the park and the shops; talk to my family and friends (even just a chat on the phone, to catch up); get enough sleep.

It's very hard to do all this with a clingy child, I know. Do talk to your GP, and do look into local groups to attend with DD. Is she at nursery at all? That will give you some time to yourself.

I definitely 100% meet criteria for OCD and recurrent depressive disorder and have since early teens.

It's all semantics though. I didn't have a diagnosis til about 20 months ago and tbh the name/diagnosis etc make sod all difference because it's just me and my life at the end of the day. Had therapy, had meds... but the course of it wasn't hugely different and you learn and adapt to feelings regardless of how they arise and sometimes regardless of how you treat them.

Depression is a major part of ordinary life for the majority of people at one point or another in life, though severity varies. We live at a point in time it's very medicalised and professionalised but people always suffered melancholy states and profound despair. To me saying only a GP can diagnose it is like saying only a GP can comment on your humanity. It's not a view I personally find helpful.

Of course sometimes I need time off because this is part of how things go, so sometimes I go to doc and have to play the 'I'm ill" thing. Mainly though I think Im human and sometimes lacking in skill to manage certain stresses and strains, pathologising it just doesn't feel useful or supportive to me though I appreciate some find the chemical explanation comforting and it works for them.

"I wrestle with the either or thing all of the time - chemical or circumstantial - but conclude that is is both - bit like diabetes - always prone to it - so if lifestyle/diet etc is not in check then the diabetes flares up....and can tip into an episode -- so my effort is to keep it at bay - one hour at a time. " - what Mulranno said. I'd never thought of it that way but it makes a lot of sense.

And agree, avoid alcohol.