Ongoing PND, have been lost for a long time.

[ShelleyCW]

I don't know where to start. I had PND with my youngest DD (2yrs) and although it's improved, it's never really gone away. I've developed social anxiety which isn't me. I dread my non-working days when I have to socialise with other mums, even though I've met a lovely group of mums locally. It's just me :-(

Ive just totally lost the joy in my life. My memory is appalling...embarrassing even especially at work. I struggle to concentrate on anything and am so tearful all the time. Ive always battled low self-esteem... Its so insidious, if I try and question that I'm not crap at everything/unintelligent/selfish/undeserving then I have a voice in my head (not literally) berating me for being self-important. I have two wonderful little girls and a supportive husband but I can't seem to snap myself out of this.

I'm starting lamotrigine shortly for my epilepsy and the doc says it may help my depression. I've just started counselling through work though not convinced it'll help. Am trying to eat better and exercise. I live and work in London though am originally from a town in the midlands, and I feel really out of place here; like an unsophisticated country mouse in the city (childish analogy but I read the book as a child and it resonates). No chance of moving as both me & DH would struggle to find jobs outside of London as all the good opportunities seem to be here. I just feel like I'm letting life pass me by and I'm so disappointed in myself.

I'm desperate not to pass on this sickness to my girls though fear I inevitably have already. My eldest bore the brunt of my PND (irritability & aggression at times :-( ) and I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. I'm just really hoping someone can empathise.... I feel so alone... Would appreciate if people have any words of advice... Thanks x

I haven't experienced PND but I didn't want this to drop off activr convos unanswered. The board moves very fast here and I am sure someone more knowledgeable will be along to help when people start getting up.

You sound quite classically depressed (memory, lack of joy etc.) and deserve real, thought-through help, not to have to rely on your epilepsy drug perhaps helping. The counselling will help (make sure you feel comfortable with the counselloe and request a change if not) but in the meantime I would definitely investigate ADs.

Take care of yourself as best you can.

Oh, and all parents can be irritable with their children at times (check) and as long as the overall context is loving, and I'm sure it is, you won't 'pass on' anything to them or damage them. But you do need and deserve some support with this. Take care.

This sounds very like me. I had had depression before having DS but over the last 6 years I have had constant social phobia, depression and anxiety. Every day is difficult. I only talk to one other mother at school. People think I am snooty and aloof or just plain weird. I have no real social life and hate social situations, got an Xmas party coming up and am dreading it.
I just love being at home alone with the TV and my computer. I just about manage to keep working part time.
I have tried various medications and am on fluoxetine at the moment which has lifted some of my depression and made me a bit more relaxed in social situations. Effexor was quite helpful for the social anxiety but had other side effects such as insomnia that I couldn't cope with.
Have you spoken to your GP about trying some AD?

the fluoxetine has helped with my patience with DS also. I find I am less snappy and am able to hold it together a little better than before, my sleep has also improved which is a huge plus for me

Thank you for your replies.

Picardythird - thanks for bumping.
I know its normal to snap at your children sometimes. The girls do have a nice life I think and they are adored really so hoping I won't have messed them up. Motherly guilt...

Newname123 - glad and sorry to hear someone's going through something similar to me. You've reminded me that I have a choice and don't have to stay on a tablet if it doesn't suit me. How do you cope with school pick ups drop offs etc? I hate it.

I haven't had a conversation with the doc about starting ADs. I'm reluctant to to be honest. I was on a high dose of carbamazepine for 10yrs when I was under other doctors who misdiagnosed me. I should never have been on this drug and the side effects were awful. I nervous about tablets full stop really.

yes Shelly school run is the worst part of my day. The other mum's literally ignore me on the whole now, I just keep my head down, try and smile and say hi but generally avoid all contact.
I started my fluoxetine every other day to reduce side effects, I hear it comes in a liquid form so you could build up really slowly?

I should say, the carbamazepine was for my epilepsy but it's also used to treat bi polar disorder.

I've been recently properly diagnosed with anxiety and depression and I recognise things I've experienced in a lot that you say. The bit about damaging your children is the thing I wanted to comment on. Pre antidepressants (I'm on 20mg citralopram) I dwelt on this all the time. Now, although I feel sad in some ways that I have been like this, I can see that the future holds healing and my oldest dd is showing improvements in her confidence and behaviour at home - especially towards her siblings. I think if you're honest with them, all can be well. I have a permanently damaged relationship with my mother who is bipolar, but it's precisely because she couldn't talk to me about it and pretended she was fine. It took me so long to work it all out that I felt she'd altered my sense of reality and I couldn't rely on her. I've been open with my eight year old, in age appropriate terms, that I've been really cross because my brains been poorly and the doctor has given me medicine to help. I hope and think she understands. Good luck-persevere with finding the right treatment for your epilepsy and the PND.

Hi Bigbirthdaygloom. Thanks for posting & sorry its taken me so long to reply. I feel heartened by what you wrote. My nerves have clouded my reaction to starting lamotrigine and I had forgotten that it might actually do me a lot of good. Sorry to hear about your relationship with your mum. It's good that you can start doing things differently though. I always apologise if I'm snappy...children do understand more than you give them credit for. Have explained to my eldest (she's 4) about my PND and she understands at least, that I regret my actions and I love her.

I am due to go back to the doc in a couple of weeks so I will ask for specific help with my depression. Thanks everyone xx