I think I need help - stately homes related

[sukiyaki]

I'm a regular, but NC-ed for this as I don't want to identify myself.

I'm going to try and make this concise, but I don't really know where to begin. My parents divorced when I was six and quickly remarried two abusive people. My step-father physically and verbally abused me (and my siblings, but me more than the others because I was defiant), throughout my childhood. My step-mother was more underhand, but alienated me and my DSis from our father for 20 years. We had to go there every other weekend as DC, but we barely saw him. My memories of our weekends there consist of sitting on the floor of our bedroom with my back against the radiator reading books for two days straight, feeling so unwanted that I only went downstairs for meals.

The atmosphere at home with my DM and step-father was toxic. He ruled the house with his iron rule. We were shouted at for any infringements, hit indiscriminately, sent up to our rooms for hours on end, once I was denied food and water for 48 hours because I dared to cross him and not apologise. My DM was totally cowed by him (still is), and didn't stand up for us at all. At 11 I willingly went to boarding school and never moved back home full-time after that. I spent as much time in the holidays at friends' houses as I could and left home the summer I was 18 immediately after leaving school. I went to a university 300 miles from home, worked every holidays, moved to London when I left, and spent much of the next 15 years working overseas.

I buried my hurt and anguish very deep. I was the life and soul of every party. I had lots of friends, some of whom I told about my background, but I didn't really go into details. I had a couple of long-term relationships and plenty of short-term ones in between. I was fun and friendly and never short of admirers. Mentally, I felt fine.

The main problem at that time was with work. I couldn't stick at anything and I couldn't cope (still can't), with anyone being my boss. If someone starts bossing me around I feel my hackles go up. I get angry easily, get an attitude, end up pissing my boss and other people off because I can't cope with authority figures. It became the pattern of my work life, but personally things were okay.

Since having DC though, the wheels have started to come off my personal life too. I adore my kids, would willingly die for them, but I feel absolutely stifled by motherhood at times (at other times its fine). I feel quite desperate at times though - like I want to run away from my life - tearful, depressed, terrified that I will repeat the abuse I suffered. I'm having issues with anger management too. I fly off the handle increasingly often with my DH and occasionally with my DC and when it happens it's like I'm leaving my body and watching with horror at what is happening. Afterwards, I feel wretched, shaky and tearful.

I'm also not the happy-go-lucky person I used to be in my 20s. I can be tactless and say things I don't mean, but I can't stop myself. I've alienated friends and am not popular with the other DMs at the school gate. I feel they're wary of me - and it makes me feel even more desperate and sad and I just don't know what to do. I feel like I need to do something, but what? How do I find someone who can help me? I don't want to just sit and talk to someone about all this stuff. I feel that won't help - it never has before. I wonder if I'm depressed, but then I don't exhibit classic symptoms of depression. I'm terrified that one day I'll push my DH away for good with my crazy behaviour.

If you've got this far, thank you, and if you have any advice for me, I'd love to hear it.

hi ! good start already by writing this thread !! you are aware if what you are feeling, that too, is good ! I went through a similar time of flying off the handle and being cranky and I went to my GP who checked my BP only to find it was way too high ! I think that was a fundamental factor in my resulting behaviour - as a few days after I started simple water displacement tablets ( side affect they lower BP - so the simplistic form of BP lowering ) I calmed down and was much nicer already !! maybe book yourself in for a check up and try be as hope and honest with your GP about how you feel - let your reserve down and just write the feelings part down if it helps, before you go, and then say 'I'm feeling like this all of the time - please help me !'

... for me - getting older and not being 'beautiful' anymore tore great hole in my life - stupid I know - but that's how I felt at the time ! now I look back and think 'my god - how stupid - what a bimbo - how vain ! ' and I can laugh at myself for even thinking such things - but at the time it totally mucked up my thinking for about 5 years ! I guess it was a mid life (37 - 42) crisis !! it passed .
I hope you can identify what's making you upset and that it too will soon pass !

just to add - my thoughts on growing old altered when I saw how beautiful my daughters were - and that 'I'd made them beautiful' and that helped me get over myself - in a similar way - you have the opportunity to make your children well grounded and totally loved in a way that sadly you weren't - this is your chance to break the bad parent circle - and that is both your challenge and your reward !! you can do a much better job of making their childhood full of happy memories and that will help counterbalance the shitty start you had !!

Thanks OnePlan. You've eerily hit the nail on the head with your mid-life/losing your looks interpretation. I'm about to turn 40 and I no longer turn heads, which I used to. I know its vain and pathetic and I look at other women who dress too young or wear too much make-up to try and detract from their older faces and I can see that it's much better to accept nature's wear and tear with grace and humility.

I think you're right that a big part of this is a mid-life crisis. I've felt different this year - my final year as a 30-something - and I feel like I'm casting around for a confident persona with which to carry on into my next decade. Where did this increased self-awareness come from, I wonder? I feel like someone has held up a mirror to me this year, and when I look in it I don't like what I see.

I'll make an appt with the GP. I've always had low BP and had it taken only a few weeks ago, so I don't think high BP is the problem. There could be something else though and it's sensible to get checked out. As for the other stuff, I think I have to make an effort to be nicer and bite my tongue. I grew up with constant criticism ringing in my ears and it's wormed it's way inside my head so that I have those thoughts myself. I need to find a way to change that.

well I think you are already making changes which is great ! getting a check up is a great idea !!!
it's hard getting older and I too look and wonder sometimes at what someone was thinking when they choose that outfit etc -I secretly think all of us girls go through it at a similar age ! and yes - I've even considered going under the knife !! I haven't yet - but I'm still considering it !!! it doesn't help when we are constantly reminded by advertising and social media that old isn't beautiful !! but hey ho - with age comes understanding and that I've discovered is true - I might not like how I look now - and yes I might get my jowles tightened and my eyelids reduced sometime ... but I think there's a fine line NOT to cross - as I don't want to look like I'm trying too hard ! so although I have tried Botox I won't be having any more as it really didn't make that much difference !! I have just decided that I'm happy ish as I am for now ... I'm not a pop star - so I don't have to look that great ! and my hubby still loves me - and that's enough !

hope it all goes well at the docs ... feel free to keep in touch if ever you want a chat !