The Invisible Woman

[MurderOfGoths]

Been talking about something in counselling and it's really upset me. I've realised that somewhere along the line I've stopped doing anything for me. Not only that I've made myself as unobtrusive as possible - eg. at home I barely have anything of mine out on display, everything is boxed up and hidden. I've become invisible.

I used to be known for standing out, hell in the town I grew up in I was weirdly well known - usually as "the little goth girl", or "the girl with the top hat". I wasn't plain or forgettable.

I had hobbies and interests, so much so that I could barely keep up with all of them. I was always surrounded by half finished projects, never bored because there was always something I wanted to be doing.

I surrounded myself with pretty things, had just accepted that I was fairly materialistic and saw nothing wrong with spoiling myself (even when money was tight I still made sure to set aside a little for treats).

But now?

Now I have no hobbies. My interests are sidelined/ignored. I can't remember the last thing I bought for myself that wasn't totally practical/necessary. And I look like every other person on the street - no one would ever accuse me of standing out now (my profile picture is not an indication of how I look every day - not anymore).

Everything I do revolves around what my DH or DS wants/needs.

It's like today DH wanted to go to his mums house for the day, and I didn't, and I still almost went because I felt like it was expected of me. Even knowing that I'd have felt miserable there (she's nice - I just need space to myself today). I feel so guilty now. Like it's awful of me to go with what I need.

I know part of it is the depression talking. I also know that my disability has contributed - I've had to give up so much because I can't physically manage it. I feel like I'm defined more by what I cannot do than what I can, and I've stopped trying.

I know that the solution should be to try and get a hobby going again, rekindle some of my old interests, but every time I think about it I just feel like "why bother".

I'm pregnant too, so feel like once the new baby is here I'll have even less time. I feel like I'm just a mother and nothing more. And while it's rewarding, I feel flat and one dimensional, and like I'm mourning the old me. I can remember her. She was interesting, and multi-layered. She's gone now.

She's not gone. She's a bit lost is all. It's not uncommon to lose yourself when you have small children who need so much of your time and no energy. Add in your disability and the depression and I guess it becomes even harder to reach the real you inside. I only have one DS and only now he is 11 and really not demanding of my time do I feel like I can rediscover me, maybe even reinvent me.

You sound like a creative and imaginative person. That doesn't disappear, I promise. It's great you are going to counselling as that is a space to think about this, ask the questions you are asking and then develop strategies to get to make more time for yourself.

Does your DH know how you feel, can he support you by helping you create time to do something for you? What about doing something small like unpacking one or two of your things and putting them on display?