I don't know who I am anymore

[SolidGold]

Apologies in advance for long rambling thread.

A bit of background: I've suffered with depression for 15 years, on and off, but mainly on. I've tried ADs in the past, but found the side effects were terrible (too tired to do anything, really bad headaches all the time). I've also had some counselling twice. Both times the counsellor thought things had improved and stopped the sessions.

I have no self confidence. I also think a week before my period hormonal fluctuations make it a lot worse, as in I think I am really ugly and fat and hate myself and also dh. I can feel this happening, it's quite a sudden change.

My relationship with dh is fine most of the time. We never row these days and I go out of my way to avoid a row because I can't stand the spoilt childish way dh reacts. Tbh he is lazy and slobby a lot of the time and I never comment because its too much hassle. It also is quite convenient, as it means I don't feel bad if I'm too down to bother to do housework or make an effort

He's been out of work now for 4 months and not done much at all. So much in the house needs doing. He doesn't Hoover or tidy. He'll wash clothes if I ask. He doesn't garden.

I don't seem able to discuss this with him as I am scared of how he'll react - not violently, I just hate the childish remarks and name calling that ensues. So either I do things myself or they don't get done.

I'm going mad with worry about our finances, but he won't discuss selling our house to find something cheaper. I know it's complicated for many reasons (bad credit rating, huge mortgage, falling house prices), But tbh I think what he's doing is just refusing to take responsibility for anything. Sometimes if I say let's do such and such he'll go along with it, sometimes he'll say that's ridiculous, we don't seem able to discuss things.

On top of that I have no life of my own. I am almost never alone, except at work (part time). I don't decide what tv we watch because he's so snobby about anything that isn't a quiz or scifi, a movie.

I have no friends, no hobbies except reading and nowhere locally to go and now no money to do anything anyway.

I don't know how to turn things round and be happy with my life and have respect for myself.

Solid oh dear I am sorry to hear this. My DH has suffered with depression for many years so I do have some understanding of the illness. I myself suffer with anxiety. It must be very difficult to be battling depression and also to have the other worries that you have.

It must be extremely frustrating if your DH won't do anything. I hate gardening and the majority of the gardening fell to me while DH was ill. I did find though that being outside does help with my anxiety. You don't have to spend ages out there - I started with a bit of tidying up and sweeping the leaves. It is the feeling of the air above your head that helps to improve your mood.

Would your DH be more likely to agree to pull his weight at home if you presented it in a 'could you start the dinner while I fetch the washing in' sort of way. I think inactivity becomes a habit - the more my DH sat about the more he wanted to, and it was so frustrating. Do you have children? If so, could you encourage them to join in so everything is more of a group-effort rather than everything being down to you?

Do you think it would be worthwhile going back to the GP and discussing different medications? There are lots and it may be that the ones you have tried so far don't agree with you, but another one could help.

Why not book a gp appointment and read out what you typed here? They may be able to out some practical support in place through a support worker through adult social care, signpost to agencies that help people work through financial and redundancy issues? Dealing with your practical issues may make also a huge difference to your mood. Could you sit down with your dh and talk about things that may help:
You increasing hours whilst he job searches but only if he does xyz in house?
Him taking agency work, lots of shops etc wanting temporary work for Xmas
What you want him to do in the house. Often specific jobs need to be mentioned and agreed as some people do not see jobs needing doing?
Etc etc ...

Thanks for your reply monikar Sorry to hear about your anxiety and your dh.

Yes, I have two grown up children and a 12 year old, only the youngest is still at home.

I quite enjoy being outside on a dry day, I walk the dog every day and I do cut the grass when necessary. I think it just gets to me at this time of year when the fences could go with restaining, everything needs cutting back and the lawn is turning into a swamp! I am a bit OCD about cleanliness and hate walking over the squelchy lawn and of course have to do that to clean up after the dog. It would be such a help if dh took over the gardening responsibility, but even if I ask him to do something in the garden, he rarely does.

I have tried three different sorts of ADs, all caused unbearable side effects, particularly the tiredness and headaches and also dizziness and nausea. I don't think I can go down that route again, especially as I work part time in a very small company where I would be letting everybody down if I wasn't 100% pulling my weight.

I have an appt with my gp this week, as I'm having period problems, so might mention how I'm feeling. I also suffer with general anxiety, a phobia, health anxiety, and IBS which means I'm sometimes (nearly every day) in a lot of pain. The only thing that helps it seems is a strict diet without gluten and dairy, but I'm struggling with that at present due to comfort eating!

Sorry, forgot to say, I can't increase my hours, as the company is struggling at present. I could look for another job, but they are few and far between locally and if I travel far I'll lose a lot in train costs.

HoopHopes, I think you're right and he doesn't see the jobs that need doing. I do try to suggest he could do this and that, but am not very good at asking for help.

He's only looking for jobs in his field at the moment (IT) and tbh shop work will nowhere near cover our mortgage and utility bills. Unless I go fulltime as well and there are so few jobs locally. Travelling farther afield for a low paid job will result in ridiculously high travel and parking costs

I discussed our financial problems with my counsellor last year, tbh they don't really know what to suggest except to go to the CAB. We had everything under control however until dh lost his job. Now I feel it's just a matter of time until our house is repossessed

Hi, yes not many people can increase their hours it was just a thought!!

I agree ideally he would only look for work in his area, but some people choose to take temporary shop work at Xmas when unemployed because some money is better than no money? Or whatever temporary work is available? Most jobs will cover transport perhaps. But that is between you and him. JSA may offer more benefits than temporary Xmas work anyway.

Why don't you start with something that would help, him using his time out of work when not searching for specific jobs to do jobs in home and garden. Write a joint list together. Eg no point staining fences as cat involved, but cut lawn last time, do hedges need doing etc etc.

Luckily no hedges to cut. Suspect lawn already too squelchy to cut now. Can't see him doing it, even if I ask him

Sorry no cat involved, oops!! Bad typing!!

At least it is winter and dark and not needing the garden!! Great no hedges, always a sore point here - literally due to what they are too!

Actually there is a cat involved but no point staining hedges as we have no fence stain! It'll probably wait til next year! I waited 7 years for him to do it and then just did it myself last year!

Sorry - I sound like a right moaning minny See, I love him, but sometimes it's just too much. I understood all the time he was working, but now he hasn't got the excuse that he's too busy or too tired.

Sorry just giggling at thought of trying to stain a hedge.

Sorry no help for you but my mood is better now with that giggle

Solid I do understand about what you say about everything needing doing in the garden - I sometimes draw the blinds so I don't have to look at the state of my garden.

At least you have an appointment with the gp - getting some help with your period problems may be a step in the right direction, it is rotten having to deal with that as well.

As you are in a lot of pain nearly every day that will make all the tasks that more difficult. Would it be worth asking the gp for some painkillers just to tide you over?

Lol Didn't spot that typo!

Thanks monikar I will explain things to the gp again - they just don't seem to "get" IBS - the advice they gave me so far made things much much worse, and it's only by process of elimination that I've worked out that changing my diet helps. The pain is very sudden and scary and generally passes when I've been to the loo - it's just so embarrassing having to crawl to the loo on my hands and knees due to the pain! (and I'm so scared that will happen to me at work one day)

Gosh how awful - I can imagine that you are worried about it happening at work. It must be very embarrassing for you. I would think that people at work would be sympathetic but that is not always the case - I remember when I had some bleeding problems in my pregnancy and I imagined that all the women at work would be sympathetic and understanding at how worried I was, but they all seemed embarrassed and awkward - and they all had children, every single one of them!

The women I work with are tough, so not sure they'd understand They never take a day off work.

Have you hd your ibs diagnosed by a gastroenterologist or other things ruled out by them? May help? And agree sorting out physical health issues can help mood.

They may not have taken time off, but sadly ill heal hits us all eventually.

No, IBS was just diagnosed by my gp.

I agree that if I sorted out my health problems, it would be a load off my mind. Sadly due to my age I guess I've all sorts of aches and pains and that's before I'm even fully menopausal! Dreading that!

A friend told me they had suspected ibs but been sent to a gastroenterologist to rule it in or out, you could ask for a referral but. Guess it depends on symptoms.

Solid how are you feeling today?

Thanks for asking monikar . Tired and just didn't want to get up this morning. I'm working today. Mondays are always busy, so at least the day will pass quickly.

I don't want to ask for a referral about the IBS, because I don't want them to do any unpleasant examinations! I've heard and read so much about them, I can't face that. I have a terrible fear of hospitals anyway

Yes, if it is busy at work then the day will pass quickly at least.

I have a friend with IBS and her diagnosis was made after she had been investigated for other things. She had a laparoscopy and couldn't find anything wrong, so they diagnosed IBS. She was given some fibre drinks to take each day - a bit like fybogel sachets. I would have thought these would make things worse. She still suffers with it and like you has learned which foods to eliminate from her diet to try and control it. She says it is worse if she doesn't eat for a long time so has to be strict and eat small snacks regularly as otherwise she is in a lot of pain. I don't like hospitals either so I do understand.

Has your DH ever considered taking anti-depressants? This could well be the reason he's "lazy and slobby", made worse by being unemployed of course. Is there any family nearby who could make suggestions or help out just now?
I think you need to put yourself first right now, plus consider the effect on youngest dc.

I don't think dh is depressed. Of course he's down about being unemployed, but otherwise quite happy in his laziness.

I'm going to try and ask him to do one thing a day for me. Today I asked him to Hoover upstairs and he has done.

I don't really know how to put myself grist, I have nothing to do! Everything I do is for others, e.g cleaning, cooking, tidying. I don't know where to start. I have no hobbies, no one to visit.

No family nearby, dh's family are in wales, I am an only child and my parents are an journey and a half's drive away.