(seemingly) unsympathetic towards depressed partner

[couldsleepforahundredyears]

My DH has suffered off and on with depression for at least the last 10 years. It's only since we had a baby and have had to leave our party lifestyle behind that it's really become unbearable. We used to cover the cracks with our social life, I can see that now. But since baby, everything has been laid bare. I don't know what to do, it's breaking my heart. I don't know how to handle it and its making me feel depressed too.

I've tried being sympathetic and understanding. I have been depressed in the past so I have an idea of what he's going through. But he recently just up and left his job, because he "hated it". At first I was supportive as I thought that by leaving, his depression may subside, but it's only got worse.

The way I am with him now is like I hate him. I don't want to spend any time with him as his negativity brings me down. This in turn effects the way I can mother my new baby. I don't know what to do I feel so helpless. I also find it heartbreaking that he should be so unhappy when we have such a beautiful baby and what could be such a happy life.

Please help xx

Sorry to hear all this. Has he been to the doctor?

Thanks Trish

yeah he went the doctor but came away with nothing, doesn't want to take medication and won't talk to anyone, including me. How can I help someone who won't help themselves? How can I be sympathetic when all I want to do is scream and shout at him?

Hello, I have posted here about my struggle with the resentment I felt (still sometimes feel) towards my partner who became depressed after our son was born. I'm sorry I don't know how to link to my thread but If you can find it might help. I won't repeat the long saga here but here are a few things I have learnt the bad and trust me-the good.

1. he is ill so ignore, as best you can any hostility and irrational misery-he still loves you and your baby.
2. realistically stop expecting anything from him because you will be let down time and again.
3. Start to withdraw-he will likely see you as nagging him and that will feed into his sense of persecution-force yourself to be as kind as possible but do not feed into his misery.
4. Make a plan of action to really, really look after yourself including going to the doctor to get some ADs if you start to feel your own anxiety/ low mood taking over.
5. If you can possibly afford it, get your own therapist, get some childcare to go to the gym, get a cleaner.
6. Be prepared at some point to make it clear he gets treatment or you will leave but don't say it until you mean it.
7. Accept that how you feel about him might change forever but -and here's the positive bits,
8. He is likely to recover.
9. You will find you have resources you never knew you had.

10. You will learn more about your partner and your relationship may be stronger in many ways than it was before. 11. You will have a lot more insight into mental illness (than you ever wanted). 12. You are absolutely not alone-I have heard of lots of men who seem to struggle when their first child is born even a much longed for child-there is even a post on here at the moment about male post natal depression-your desire to scream and shout is completely normal-I alternated between overwhelming rage and overwhelming sympathy. 13. Things between my partner and I are so much better now-he finally saw a therapist- but I went through hell and still to this day I am ever vigilant and if I hear him speak in a certain miserable way I have an almost physical reaction and want to run out of the door, I still have to stop myself dwelling on the past (therapy really helps with that) but really if I am honest we have a closer relationship and I much stronger (in a flexible way if that makes any sense) now. It's not love's young dream between us but we are now close and affectionate and good parents to our son. 14. I repeat number 3-start to emotionally withdraw this is not easy and is counter intuitive but you are dealing with someone who cannot think rationally so it is a waste of energy to attempt to reason with him and you need that energy for your child. Calmly make it clear you want him to get help but as hard as it is force yourself not to get drawn in- I found a low dose of citalopram helped me a great deal with this because it ever so slightly numbed me and I just started caring less, stopped trying to fix things and oddly, things started to get better.

Obviously everybody and every relationship is different so not all of this will help you but I hope some of it does.

couldsleep, sorry you are going through this. harrap, thank you for sharing, that's an excellent post.

My DH has suffered from depression for over 5 years (not baby related though). Harrap has good advice. I can very well relate to the wanting to scream and shout, and wanting to run out the door - which I have actually done on occasions when I just couldn't cope with his 'o woe is me' moaning.

My DH has been having treatment for over 5 years - meds and seeing a counsellor I did go for counselling for myself and found it extremely helpful. I stopped trying to fix him, for one thing.

I hope your DH seeks help. For it to help him he really has to do it for his own sake, otherwise - according to my counsellor - he won't benefit from it.

Thanks Elephants, your post was a lot more succinct than mine!

My 1st point should have "ignore" in it obviously.

I should say my partner is generally prone to depression (as is his whole family) and he had some tough episodes before our son was born. It was all just so much worse when our baby came along- not least because my partner finally had everything he wanted, but oh no he couldn't be happy, he (or rather the depression) had to spoil it.

It's really tough for both partners.

I can't begin to thank you enough for your replies.

Harrap, wow your post has had me in tears. Tears of relief and of hope. Thank you so much for your sound advice. For the first time I've been able to look at the situation logically, and just reading your post has made me feel calmer. And you're right, I should seek therapy to help me deal with everyday life too. I have anger issues that I'm totally fed up and tired. I suppose if I can deal with things better then that will help things all around.

elephant, thank you for your post. "Fixing him" really struck a chord with me. I try to do this all the time and become frustrated and upset when nothing works. I find it hard to disengage and not take things personally and that's something I need to sort out.

Yesterday he agreed to go and speak to someone and says he will get a doctor referral. Who knows whether or not this will happen. The fact that he's even suggested this is a really positive thing. I'm going to try not to nag him about it, but if he doesn't end up doing it, I know I will erupt. His incapability of doing anything constructive really gets to me although I know it's a part of his depression. I just want to slap and shake him sometimes!

Seriously though, I really appreciate your replies. I will save them forever so I can reread when I need to calm down about stuff. I will also try and find Harrap previous thread. Xx

I suffer chronic depression. However, the rest of my family and myself would struggle to function if I didn't take medication. Choosing not to ave treatment is selfish and a seperate issue. He owes it to you to seek effective treatment. A bit self indulgent IMO.

Also if he can function at a level without treatment I would question the severity of it.

couldsleep I'm very glad I might have helped in some small way. It is extremely positive that your husband has said he seek help. My suggestion would be to give him and yourself a time limit, then ask him again then another time limit and then make the appointment yourself etc. When I think back to how things were a few years ago I cannot believe how much better/normal things are for us now-not perfect but fine, good enough so do believe there is light at the end of the tunnel.

oranges I do take your point about being able to function-my partner continues to work even when he is very depressed-so I've often thought "just how depressed are you?" but ultimately that hasn't been very helpful because even if he was functioning on one level, it was obvious he was not well, and asking that question just lead me to think he was being -for want of a better phrase- a self-indulgent git, saving his misery for me (and to some extent that was true). In fact working to excess has been a cause and a symptom of him getting ill. I was overjoyed recently when he finally accepted he'd taken on far too much work. Having loads and loads of work to do is a way to deal with other anxieties for him and a way to tell himself he is not appreciated (oh don't get me started!). He has found another way to deal with some of his anxiety i.e. therapy which is a blessed relief. I would emphasise that he is lovely in so many ways when well.

Harrap I found your other thread. Sorry to read you went through so much, but it has made me hopeful that we will come through this. You are inspirational! I feel so much more positive today. I am going to take on board what you said about giving it a time frame, that way I won't feel the need to go on and on about it.

oranges, thanks you your reply. my partner has left work because he can't function. We struggle every day with this illness and I don't question how real it is. I don't think it is particularly severe (I have seen and heard about much worse cases of depression) and I'm relieved that he is thinking about seeking help at long last. You are right though, he has been selfish about it, he should had this sorted a long time ago. I do feel resentful towards him for this but I guess that's something I have to deal with myself.