Saw my old cpn

[Messupmum]

And I became an emotional wreck. That's not normal is it? I'm a complete loser aren't i. I have major issues, attachment and fear of loss. I found it really hard when she stopped being my cpn and I got a new one - I was in day hospital. I thought I'd gotten over it, then I saw her at the cmh clinic, and I'm a mess again. I feel so stupid, and crying again.

I can sympathise. It is not uncommon to get attached to health professionals. Transference is a very common issue. Infact health professionals have training on how to cope with counter transference (ie. if they get attached to a patient). As patients we have struggle with our own transference feelings without support or training. Its grim.

I have a massive transference to my old health visitor. I miss her horribley and a tiny part of me was almost tempted (for a split second!) to have another baby so I could get to see her again. The thought of a hideous pregnancy, childbirth and a stroppy pre teen brought me to my senses rapidly.

I think that people who have had dysfunctional childhoods often struggle with transference. Our caveman brain is subconciously looking out for a mother figure that own mothers never provided. (Ie. that part of me would love to curl up in my old health visitors lap like a two year old rather than face the world like an adult.)

It is a horrible situation rather like unrequented love. Its OK to cry and you aren't stupid. Its OK to grieve the passing of a professional relationship and to grieve the relationship that you should have had as a child with your care givers.

am the exact same, i thought it was just me who felt like that glad am.not but it is horrible

i got attached to my hv n ended up changing hv thot i would never get over her n there still days when i think about her now am atyached to my mh nurse but ive got a feelimg contact will be ending soon n duno how ill cope

I got attached to my hv too. I'm scared to see anyone now, as I can't cope with 'endings'. I said to my cpn today I just want everything to stop, I can't cope with it. I don't know what will happen.

I feel like I'm freak, and thought I was the only one who felt like this, so I haven't talked about it to anyone. But it has been picked up that I have attachment issues, which is why I'm not allowed one-to-one therapy, and am having group therapy which is so hard.

I also thought about having another baby so I could start again with the hv . I actually feel sick after today, all we said was hi to each other. There's so much I wanted to say, as I never got to say a proper goodbye as it was all rushed. I'm worried she left because of me.

I feel so low, I can't live this this but because of dd I have to stay. I just don't know if I can. It's like I'm grieving but I feel pathetic.

Hi, your Cpn would not change jobs or roles because of one patient - it will be because of career development, personal circumstances, promotion, funding cuts or whatever. Does not make it any easier. Could you talk about it with your new Cpn and see what she says? Attachment issues is very common for people with certain MH diagnosis, so it is not just you.

One technique suggested is to write a letter with everything in you wanted to say ( but do not send it). Would that help?

In your group therapy could you talk about how seeing an old Cpn has made you feel, as others in your group may struggle with that too?

Sorry you feeling so low.

do u ever worry if smething bad has happened to them? i worry about that all the time, i went to a group today and she usually runs the group bit she said she wasnt today which makes me think it was cuz i was there and she was quiet with me which males me think something happened to her

i said after the hv i wouldnt let myself get attahced to someone again but its just so hard not too

A skilled health professional works towards termination of the professional relationship. Ideally the relationship should just petter out rather than die an instant break. The end goal of a theraputic relationship is to make the patient healthy and independent. Ideally there should come a time when a patient does not need a health visitor or a CPN.

HoopHopes sometimes health professionals do reject their patients. It is a deeply painful, embrassing and humilating experience.

Transference can be destructive and lead to break down of the professional relationship. Its a really common reason for doctors striking someone off their list. Just as patient has the right to change their doctor, health visitor or CPN, health professionals have the right not to treat someone. Infact when a professional relationship has gone wrong, then it is no longer aiding the patient's recovery.

Sadly some health professionals are not brave enough to explain to patients the reason for the termination of the professional relationship and this can further damage the patient confidence and self esteem. (Obviously a health professional right to be safe from violence or undue harassment is essential. Prehaps in those cases then the police are a better party to explain what has gone wrong.)

I just worry that they hate me and say horrible things about me. Or that they don't give a shit (most probable) and just find me annoying and a burden.

I hate that I seem to get obsessed, I look people up on the internet! I feel so messed up in my head but people would never know to look at me. I would lose friends if they knew how crazy I really am.

I don't worry about things happening to them, but I do wish I knew them on a personal level rather than professional, but then I don't think I'd get the same attachment? I do want a hug from someone, but for some reason I can't accept this from friends and family. I'm so confused and struggling lots.

I was told my old cpn changed roles to be a duty manager so no longer had patients. But she saw me in day hospital, told me then that I wouldn't have her anymore. I completely fell apart.

Messupmum

When you know somone on a professional level you don't get to see their warts. In reality a friend is never completely non judgemental and doesn't do reflective listening all the time. Its totally one sided in that a health professional does not seek emotional support from a client.

It is an unnatural and completely unequal relationship in that you would never go to your CPN/ health visitor's house, but they would see you in your house. They end up knowing a lot about you, but you know very little about them.

"
I hate that I seem to get obsessed, I look people up on the internet! I feel so messed up in my head but people would never know to look at me. I would lose friends if they knew how crazy I really am."

Prehaps you would be shocked if you knew all the inner secrets of your friends. The internet is a public domain and those health professionals are silly to put anything too personal.

yeh ive done that aswell look up stuff on the internet about them

part of me thinks shes only doing her job so she has to be nice to me but she acrually doesnt care about me if that makes sense?

i agree with u if u never knew her personally u wouldnt be obessed i dont think i would either

"part of me thinks shes only doing her job so she has to be nice to me but she acrually doesnt care about me if that makes sense? "

I don't think its quite that black and white.

A health professional cares for their patient up to a point. Prehaps an analogy is that a teacher may become fond of pupils that they teach for years, but they never love a child like a mother does. I found it deeply upsetting when a child I knew at work died, but my upset was nothing compared to the grief of the parents. It would not be professionally appriopiate or helpful for a nurse to fall in love with her patient.

Health professionals do experience counter transference and certainly it can mess them up emotionally. It is why councellors have supervision so that they can discuss issues they are having with clients in a confidental setting.

Prehaps the issue is people with mental health issues are more vunerable for transference issues. On a sub concious level your brain has decided that the health visitor/ CPN is your mummy, but obviously your health professional sees you fee25, her client. (Obviously you don't actually believe that your CPN is actually your Mum, its just the primative part of the brain pattern matching.) Sadly this is a painful and humilating experience for the client.

Transference is rarely discussed in real life as everyone is just too embrassed.

ReallyTired yes I know some professionals do as you suggest as I has it done to me ( and horrifically was told all the gory details just to not help!) but what I was trying to say or reassure MM was that I am sure this was not the case for her and as she says here her old Cpn got a promotion hence could no longer continue her old job as role changed ( I also lost a good person due to promotion and had almost no chance to see them as often is the case when MH workers have to change suddenly to fill gaps elsewhere). It is easy of us to get paranoid when often it is not related to us.

I have found having cold workers who have given no information about themselves the best for me, as it stops totally the desire to want from them what they will not be able to give.

I hear what you are saying about what you are wanting though. Wonder if you could get what you want from a friend or family? Or from someone going though a similar thing? Just thinking outloud.

I had group therapy and didn't get a chance to discuss what happened. I started to, but then the attention kept going to someone else, so I came out feeling worse and cried all the way home.

This therapy was supposed to help, but I'm feeling myself getting worse. And I have a permanent headache which is getting hard to cope with.

Perhaps next therapy start by saying I want to talk about something and no one listened last time. When you next see our current Cpn may be worth talking bout how seeing the old one made you feel?

After a disasterous experience of a postnatal support group, I have avoided any kind of therapy. I have found it more helpful to read books and get an understanding of how the brain should work and prehaps what my brain is doing wrong.

I think that rather than entering into more therapy it maybe more helpful to read up on transference almost like a cold academic topic. It is easier to see how other people's basic (caveman) brain reflexes are out of sync with the modern world than to look at our own brains.

I found that human givens theory is interesting to understand what went so badly wrong in my childhood. We all need unconditional love and many of us are in a bad place because we did not get that unconditional love in the early years. Our brains at a sub concious level is constantly trying to meet our needs and looking for the unconditional love that was not given early on in life. Sadly health professionals cannot give that unconditional love that we so much crave.

To be well we need to find a way of breaking the therapy cycle and make long term connections with lifelong friends. We need to give and recieve love and prehaps therapy should be focussed more on improving relationships in our wider community and family. Sadly our extreme neediness can sabortage any friendships unless we are given the tools to cope.