This will be long, I am hoping there are some people with experience/insight into this situation.
My parents: very clearly prefer my sister to me, and always did. They love us both, and have been very supportive for me, but they clearly like her better and wish that I was more like her. I live several thousand miles away so more a background noise than current issue, but it makes me question my judgement.
DD: has special needs, we are going through diagnosis, but there will be a diagnosis of ASD. I have worked with kids, particularly SN kids for over 30 years, so I'm very certain about this.
DH is an arse: 3 years ago he told me that he found me repulsive, and that I just leach money from him. At the time I was unable to work because we moved for his job and I was on a visa which made working illegal. He does work very long hours, but often of his own choosing. He spends huge amounts of time doing work, but some/much of this is project stuff he is doing for general fun and cos he wants to. However, that means he thinks I should do just about everything with dd, the house, pets, etc etc.
My work & general stuff: I now have a job, which generally I love but there is no job security here, I could be sacked at a moment's notice (typical of job contacts here).I earn about 1/3 of DH's income, but had we stayed in the UK I would probably be on about 3 times my current salary. I cannot return to the UK without his permission to take dd, which would be a lengthy legal process. I would not just walk back into a great job, but would need to take what I could get.
My mental health, or lack thereof: I have always been prone to great ups and downs. I can get upset over silly things and obsess over them, or get over angry if things don't happen as I want. I have become far more aware of this as I get older (now 44), and I am much better at remaining calm, and not micro managing/controlling things too much. Unsurprisingly, after DH being such an arse to me 3 years ago, I was on anti-depressants (Sertraline). Recently I felt like the a-ds weren't making much difference. Then I got really busy with work, and missed a few nights, took them for a couple of night, missed a couple more then just thought I should try without them. I suffered no side effects and haven't taken tthem for about a month. My mood swings are no better or worse, but I do get disproportionately emotional about things, specially if I am tired/stressed/ill.
So - could this be bi-polar, and if I can manage (although sometimes with difficulty) without a-ds should I just carry on as before? Are ther other meds which would work better and help me more?
My marriage is crappy - at best we are friends who co habit and co parents, at worst I think he is emotionally abusive, definitely neglectful. I am not 100% sure he would pay to support dd if we split, although I could get by without him, but I have no job security so that is scary. I would not be entitled to many/any benefits here or in the UK, so I have no safety net except staying married.
I have physical health problems which mean not having a job is double triple scary - I need health insurance for the meds. There is also a tenuous link between the physical stuff (hypo thyroid, low Vit D) and mental health.
I am not sure if I have mental health problems which mean that I am not seeing my life clearly, and I should stop blaming other people and start looking to myself to get things 'fixed', or if all the crappy stuff is making me like this. And I really don't have an easy solution to how to get my life back on track. What I want for me is almost the opposite of what would work for dd, and she is a kid with sn!
Any great insight to give me some perspective?