Question about bipolar. But it may belong in relationships.

[fedupwithdeployment]

I know someone with bipolar. She is open about it and takes medication, although I don't know the details. She s 40, married 10 years with3 children and a DH who is incredibly supportive.

She had a privileged upbringing, and circumstances now are comfortable, but not what she was used to.

Over the years, life has not been easy...issues with drinking too much, but the major problem has been an inability to control spending which has put huge pressure on family finances. In addition 2 of the DCs have mild SEN.

For the past 3? months She has been having an affair. I dont think the OM is the love of her life, more a bit of fun or escapism from reality. The reason for this is that she doesn't love her H in the same way. She says he is controlling. I don't believe this for a moment...unless telling her she is spending beyond their means is controlling.

She has now said it is over. H is distraught, the DCs will be too. Family and friends will be shocked and will think she is making a terrible mistake.

I think she is in a manic phase, not that I know much about these things. For those that know more, is this situation likely to be retrievable? The H wants to work things through. He loves her absolutely. She has told no one.

My reaction would be to tell her to leave. She might realise what she has lost and come back...or she might not. H is tiptoeing round because of her condition and because of the DCs. I don't think she will listen to reason. Has anyone any thoughts or insight? If I posted on relationships it would be a clear LTB, but I suppose my question is whether the MH issues change things.

Thanks.

My dad is bipolar it does affect relationships, I am no expert though does she have a cpn?

Your friend sounds similar to me. Being manic feel like being sat in the passenger seat of your own body while someone else is driving.

Things that you normally know to be wrong really do seem perfectly reasonable and it feels like everyone else is controlling and abusive. To her it is real whether it is or not it certainly is real to her.

If she leaves she will sleep around as that is what every urge in her body is telling her to do. It feels like your stuck in a washing machine and like your skin is crawling.

You no longer remember that you love those around you all you want is fun. You feel trapped by family and commitments and all you want is to be free. I hope this helps you understand.

On top of all this if she is type 1 she may hear voices telling her her partner is abusive and to sleep around that she has every right to.

Its actually hard being manic contrary to popular belief she probably also feels aggressive and lacks self control which is why she is spending so much.

If she leaves she will regret it but if you try and convince her not to leave she will stop being friends with you. Her dh needs to call crisis and possibly get her sectioned. Hth.

Thanks all. It does help to get a different perspective. Anyone else out there? By the way her H does not think she is in a manic phase. Clearly it is difficult to work these things out, but there is a new side to her personality coming out here. Not sure I have ever heard such self justification before.

I have lots of experience of bipolar.

Is she showing other symptoms of mania other than spending/affair? If you google Goldberg mania questionnaire it gives the sort of symptoms experts would consider.

You could try slipping questions into conversation and use her answers plus your impression of whether she is talking faster than usual etc to "score" her. IME, if she reports doing well on less than 4 hrs sleep per night consistently, that is a clear indication of a manic state!

You would have to use your judgement about whether it could be useful to print it out and go through it with her, to try and impress on her that her decision making could be questionnable.

Complicated though, as bipolar disorder is only one aspect of a person. She also has morals, integrity, personality, life stresses etc; only someone who knows her could even start to judge whether she might make different choices at another point in time.

Spoke at length to H today. She is sounding coldly rational, although there is no reason or rationality in what she is doing. Eg sell house and buy 2 flats....just not possible, certainly not the sort of flat she has in mind. Many other egs of this.

4am - I think the hideous mess is ultimately down to her current lack of morals and integrity. What is so odd is that this is such a huge change..to the person I know. She always has had a spoilt, selfish side, although it was invisible most of the time. Sadly I think we are now seeing the real person.

H knows her well obviously and says she is not manic now, although she never stops as far as I can see.

It is all very sad.

My sis is also bipolar and over the last year overspent and conned our dad and out of money, then borrowed from me swearing blind that her DH knew. Lied and lied and lied some more. She eventually got backed into a corner and it all came out. She is now terrified that this is her real personality as how could she do it otherwise. It's not of course. It's the bipolar. It affects thought processes and morality and so much more.

Your friend doesn't have to seem 'manic' for all of this to happen. She does need psychiatric help.

She is on meds, but clearly they need adjustment. And probably other or mire psychiatric help. The self destructiveness is terrifying, and the fall out on all is pretty horrific. Especially the children when they are told.

Thanks x