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Worried about DM

8 replies

artemisandaphrodite · 30/10/2013 11:21

DM and I had what I would consider a very minor disagreement a couple of weeks ago (back story here but if you don't want to read it, basically we didn't manage to meet up as she texted DH to change the meeting location 10 minutes before the meeting time. She has a lot of social anxiety and while I understood she uses texts because she hates talking on the phone, I decided after a day that I had to let her know that texting with 10 minutes' notice isn't adequate - you have to phone - in case we were in a similar situation again.)

She's been disputing this, by text, I have been (I feel) utterly polite and reasonable throughout, but her last text to me yesterday sad "You should be ashamed of your cruelty. And stupidity too, misinterpreting what happened ... I will never recover from your repeated attacks." I haven't been attacking, or "going on" at her at all, and my texts have been really ,really mild, but she's obviously taken things totally the wrong way.

I'm really pretty devastated by this - her calling me cruel and stupid when I would never dream to be towards her. Nothing like this has ever happened between my mother and me in 40 years and I'm really starting to worry that she's having some kind of breakdown because her reaction is so out of proportion to the issue. It's totally out of character too - normally she is reasonable to the end, always willing to give people the benefit of the doubt and see things from their POVetc ...

Because she won't talk to me, the only thing I can do is write, to try and put my side across. I'm worried that every new thing I say will inflame her even more, but I can't leave this having her thinking I'm cruel! Does anyone have any suggestions, please?

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violetsrblue · 30/10/2013 11:47

Hmm it does sound as though her mental health has deteriorated. What a difficult situation. I guess you just have to ask yourself where your boundary with her lies. Maybe take a day or so to not do anything but just let your mind settle, you've had a shock.

artemisandaphrodite · 30/10/2013 12:15

Thank you, violets - I'm not completely sure what you mean by that, though - ask myself where my boundary lies?

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violetsrblue · 30/10/2013 15:13

I guess I mean how much to take it personally, and be hurt by her, or how much to see it through the lens of the knowledge that she's unwell, and coming from a bad place in herself..don't know if that makes sense!

artemisandaphrodite · 30/10/2013 15:31

Oh, I seeee what you mean! Thanks for clarifying. I can rationalise it as part of an illness. I suppose I meant more that I was devastated that it's come to this ... I will try not to take it personally. of course.

I'm actually wondering if I should somehow be more proactive in helping her as I'm honestly a bit worried that something drastic might happen - don't want to scaremonger but to try and put it into context, I have a DH and DC but I'm pretty much all she has. Pretty much her entire world (with the DC, of course). She does have sisters but wouldn't confide in them, I don't think. Just the fact that she's turned on me, for the first time in my life, makes me think of her roaming around getting angrier and angrier and more bitter and ... I don't know. I don't think I'm thinking of her killing herself (I don't think) - but just ... an incident of some kind. Sorry for being melodramatic and vague! It wouldn't be the first time something bad has happened, though nothing has ever been directed at me before.

Thing is, I have no idea who her doctor is or anything, to talk to him/her ...

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artemisandaphrodite · 01/11/2013 14:57

Sorry to bump, I just wondered if anyone else had any thoughts on this? I've thought about things for a couple of days now - I'm going to write to DM and I think the main crux of my letter will be that I'm worried about her state of mind and would urge her to please see a GP. I just wanted opinions - do you think that would be patronising to her? I just feel she must have had some kind of minor breakdown to talk to me like that. I don't think anyone with a healthy mind would read my 3 or 4 polite texts, which at most were mildly insistent (just putting across my part of the story though - not in the least personal towards her!), and interpret them as meaning I am "cruel", "stupid" or subjecting her to "repeated attacks". To me it's an unbelievably extreme overreaction, blowing things off-the-scale out of proportion, but I know I can't describe it quite like that to her. Does anyone have any other suggestions as to what I could say to make her a) realise she's being oversensitive (pathologically so, I think) b) go and talk to her GP?

I'd be really grateful for any ideas, maybe from those who have been there too ... Sad Thank you and sorry to spam. Thanks

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artemisandaphrodite · 03/11/2013 11:52

Ohh dear, not had much response to this! Grin Never mind.

I am still keen to get people's opinions about my DM so will try and simplify this (sorry, maybe I wrote too much of a back story) into just one question for you:

I am going to write to her urging her to see a doctor, but I'm worried she'll get angry and see this as patronising. Do you think it's ok? Should I refer in my letter to her extreme over-reaction? I just don't want her to think it's ok to call me cruel and stupid on the absolute flimsiest basis. Because I totally wasn't.

OK sorry, that was about 3 questions ...Blush

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RandomCitizen · 03/11/2013 14:49

Hi, I am not sure what to advise but she does sound unwell. I am really sorry.
About to start a thread of my own on a similar issue.

One thing - it isn't you, it is her, but you know that. x

artemisandaphrodite · 04/11/2013 10:10

RandomCitizen, thank you! Yes, I know it's not me ... I'm a non-confrontational person myself, like to avoid conflict and would truly not have said anything to her that I thought would upset or goad her ... but I have anyway. Sad

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