Invisible

[invisible84]

I'm a regular poster but have name changed.

I have suffered with minor mental health issues most of my life - anxiety, OCD and depression. I am currently taking no medication as they are mainly under control. Today is not a good day though.

Most of my issues stem from my relationship with my father and stepmother (rejection). They are no longer together but my father continues to behave in a way which just leaves me feeling completely rejected.

I have overcompensated for this by shopping - I mistakenly thought that I could make up for what I was lacking. I know that shopping can be an addiction like any other and I am trying to take steps to overcome it. I have run up debts (20K now covered with a reconsolidation loan). My DP doesn't know about the debts and I can't tell him as it would probably end our relationship. The guilt is eating me up. We keep separate finances so part of me has justified it by saying we don't share stuff like that, and I'm paying my way so it is fine. However, the guilt is making me feel worse, when I'm low, I shop and it all goes in a vicious cycle.

I feel so alone at the moment. I am coming up to a big birthday and am aware that lots of my peers are having parties etc (that probably makes me sound about 5). I thought of doing something but it then dawned on me that I wouldn't really have anyone to invite. I have lots of acquaintances but for some reason I just don't have friendships. There are a couple of people I meet up with once or twice a year for dinner but other than that we don't communicate. I am not part of a group of friends - I have acquaintances who are part of groups but because I am not part of the group, I never get invited for coffee / lunch / whatever. I feel like I am just invisible. I've tried arranging things with people but they are always busy (usually doing things with their group of friends). I see quite a few people over the course of the week with work / voluntary work but still feel lonely as hell as all the relationships just feel empty.

I feel really low at the moment and other than DP there is just noone I can call. I've decided not to do anything for my birthday. Not because I don't want to but because I couldn't take the rejection from everyone declining.

I know this is all just a complete ramble. Sorry. My head is just so jumbled right now.

So right now the feeling is the loneliness, the invisibility?

That is hard. I remember how walking past my neighbours' garden wall, with all the noise of fun going on behind it, intimidated me for years.

Anyway, you feel invisible, but we've seen you here xx

Thanks.

It is the loneliness. It isn't helped by the financial thing - I can't tell anyone as I don't want to risk it 'getting out'. So I'm trying to deal with overcoming my shopping addiction alone (I feel so ashamed typing shopping addiction - I know what most people will probably think).

I just feel like I get overlooked at everything - I suspect everyone just assumes that I don't need to be included in activities and stuff because 'we're just friendly acquaintances, invisible will have her own group she does stuff with'. But in reality there isn't. There's noone I could call if I needed a friend (don't get me wrong DP is great, but sometimes it is nice to have someone else).

Hi. I see you too.
I am having a bit of a think about your problem.
Have you tried some self help books?
Do you have things in common with your acquaintances?

Thanks.

I haven't tried self help books. I tried counselling earlier this year - it did get me thinking more about my spending habits which has lead to me realising it is an addiction and has enabled me to take steps towards that, but it didn't help solve the issues I went for (rejection).

I don't have a lot in common with my acquaintances. I'm an outdoorsy type in a non-outdoorsy area which probably doesn't help. I had one good friend - a male (my interests mean I tend to find it easier to strike up a conversation with males) but it got complicated when he tried it on - I was not interested because of DP. I haven't seen this friend since.

The people I get on best with are probably the people I do the voluntary work with - but it is no one else's main source of friendship so there aren't close relationships between anyone.

what was the counsellor's take on the rejection thing?

(I've had counselling that actually did more harm than good in the past ... )

She kept going on and on about me confronting my father, which I made clear I was never going to do. As you say, I think it has done more harm than good. I don't feel any more able to deal with it now than I was before.

That does sound unhelpful....... NHS?

Do you have any other family members. I would imagine that rejection leads on to a sense of not belonging?

I mentioned elsewhere about the Dr David Burns books. There are a series of them which deal with all sorts of things that you might find helpful. And they cost pennies if you get used ones.

Sorry for not replying sooner.

The counselling was not NHS - I paid over £500 for someone to try and convince me to keep going back over old stuff and confront my dad, when I wanted to learn how to forget what had happened.

My stepmother was vile to me (think refusing to let me use the bath when I was ill in case I contaminated her DC, making me sit in the middle in the car as she wasn't having her DCs' safety compromised and refusing to feed me if dad was out as I wasn't her responsibility. I also remember us going for a day out and I wasn't allowed to be in the family photo). Hence I developed very low feelings of worth over myself.

I am close to my mum, but I never told her what was happening when I went there. By the time I was 14 I was under such stress I was missing a lot of school and eventually collapsed.

I don't see much of my extended family. This may make me sound awful but they have very 'controversial' lives - lots of police and social services intervention and because of my job I have to distance myself from it all.

I think the stuff with my stepmum is why I started shopping - it made me feel better about myself, except I now can't stop. I want to stop but I just can't.

I never feel like I belong anywhere.

"The counselling was not NHS"

My rubbish counsellor was also not NHS. Thank goodness he was only obsessed with breathing exercises rather than making me "confront" my parents....

Did you feel under pressure in the circumstances to pretend to agree/say "yes thank you I feel better now"? From what I understand, this kind of deeper looking-into-the-past approach needs someone with really great skills, and great humility, to be done well......

This summer, when things flared up for me again, I said to my doctor that I didn't expect the NHS to cure me, but felt a reasonable level of confidence that it would do me no harm.

Nice that you are close to your mum. Does your job limit how much time you spend with her, or is she away from all that?
Have you ever told your mum how your dad/stepmum made you feel?

I too wonder about your mum, how much emotional support she is to you, and how much she knows about all of this.

I certainly did just agree that I was better. I didn't feel that I had much freedom, I kind of felt that the counsellor got fixated on one thing I said and just kept going on and on about it. I've thought about giving online counselling a try as I seem better able to express myself over the internet.

My mum and I are close but she doesn't know a lot of the stuff that happened when I was younger. She is not involved in all the family issues - she is in a similar field to me so also has to be careful, although she doesn't have to worry about links via social networking as she doesn't use it. I decided to not tell mum a lot of stuff about what happened as I feel that it wouldn't change what happened, and it would upset her considerably that it was going on and she didn't know. Some years ago I made a comment and she now knows I've been upset over things and is a good sounding board when my dad has let me down, again and I've been sidelined due to his new partners adult children. In the last few years he has failed to visit me when I was seriously ill in hospital and didn't attend my masters degree graduation - all because he was doing things with his partners DC.. My DP is also good, although I don't think he truly understands because he has very loving parents.

I used to self harm to take away the pain I felt. I don't anymore (its been 3 years), but shopping has taken over.

This year is a year of big birthdays. Every week more of my friends post photos of their weekend bashes. I've not been invited to a single one - not because I don't get on with people, but just because I'm always on the outskirts of groups and never part of the group core.

I've just had a week off work. Other than DP I've not seen a soul. I don't get included in 'coffee mornings' - if I contact people to see if they want to meet up I get no reply.

I really just feel that I'm one of those people who just blends into the background and everyone just assumes that someone else is looking out for them, but in reality noone is.

My personal opinion is this. I think that you should open up a bit more to your mum. I think that she would like that.
As regards your dad, have you seen the stately homes threads on here. I think they could help as regards your dad and stepmum. To me, sadly, it doesnt sound like you will get very far with him, and emotional distance may be necessary.
Online counselling - worth a shot.
You mentioned upthread that you wanted to "learn how to forget" what happened. Life doesnt work that way I am afraid. It wont and cant happen.
Friends. The only thing I can think of there is to do a search on here and see if anything helps you. There are loads of threads about it. Other than that, have you considered rambling. It seems to be popular, even in cities and towns.
Money. Dont know about that. Again you could try searching. Or perhaps start a thread in money matters or on chat.
hth

I don't want to talk things over with my mum. I love my mum but she has a habit of keep going over and over things and I don't think that will help me.

I think when I said forget I probably used the wrong word, I know I'll never forget, I think I meant a point where I think about it without feeling the pain I do now.

I'll do a search on here for friends - I know I'm not the only person who feels like this. I tried to be proactive this morning and contacted one of my 'friends' this morning. She has also had the week off and I asked her if she had had a nice time etc - she spent ages telling me what she had done, not so much as a word asking me what I'd been up to (which would be nothing).

I might look into rambling. I started dancing recently as thought that would be a good way to make friends - however every other person is retired - I'm still in my twenties (just!).

I don't know what the answer to money is. When I was younger, the feeling of wanting a relationship with my dad and not being able to have it was so painful that I think it has lead to me not being able to deal with 'wanting' things. If I see something I want it causes such anxiety that I end up buying it to get rid of the anxiety, which isn't helpful. I have improved a bit, I used to be like it with everything, now I seem to have an obsession with footwear and coats - almost sometimes feel like coats and shoes are my cover to the world.

I dont know where you live, but often there are all sorts of dance classes for all sorts of ages. I think you are on the right track with dancing though.
You are probably right about the shoes and coats, but I am not an expert. They do sound like an emotional cover, but unfortunately are not the answer. I suppose accepting what your dad is like and how you have been treated is the answer.
I am reminded about alchohol anonymous. Thye have a 12 step plan to accepting as far as I know. I have no idea whether if you look that up, it may help?
And as I said, the stately homers will probably have some very good advice.

"certainly did just agree that I was better. I didn't feel that I had much freedom, I kind of felt that the counsellor got fixated on one thing I said and just kept going on and on about it. I've thought about giving online counselling a try as I seem better able to express myself over the internet."

Yeah, it was similar for me. It's annoying that these people are allowed to peddle their "cure- all" solutions to us just when we are vulnerable.

Right now I'm attending an NHS "mindfulness" group which couldn't be more different! We are gently discouraged from chatting too much about our own specific problems ( though we still tend to exchange life stories in the tea break). And one nice thing is that the group leaders do the training exercises alongside the rest of us and give feedback about how it worked or didn't work for them. Some of us have stopped going, some feel it isnt working for them but hopefully it isnt making anyone worse!

Re friends: I have had periods of being isolated and was possibly miserable enough to qualify as depressed. It was a vicious circle: my loneliness led me to come across as needy/high maintenance, and people kept their distance a bit.

I was single, most friends were in couples. I felt indignant that they neglected me - needless to say, it was then hard to feign being relaxed and light hearted in their company.

So, question for you: is it possible that those feelings you have about rejection might be leading you to come across in a way that doesn't draw people to you? And: does having DP not increase the feeling of acceptance?

Also, is it fair to say that, whilst she isnt perfect, it sounds like you do feel loved and accepted by your mum?

Is there a support group you could become involved in? Or, a voluntary outdoor gardening group type of thing? Have you a dog? I know a group of school mums who meet after the drop off and walk miles with their dogs, just nattering. Obviously, you've tried many things already and do volunteer work and thus far, it hasn't led to any friendships beyond acquaintance. Don't feel badly about this. For many many people, it's hard. Not everyone has the ability to form those lighthearted friendships which, when it boils right down to it, are based on quite flimsy foundation and disappear as quickly as they've formed. Or, might you be willing to seek out a support group which helps people who's spending is out of control. There will be a lot of them and you would definitely have common ground there (in a good way). Just a thought.

I have 2 female friends who I've known for many years (one from secondary school) but beyond that I don't "do" socialising. If I walk into town, I always meet people I "know" but would I spend time with them? Do I want to? Not particularly. My friends laugh when I say I'm basically anti-social but it's true, and they KNOW it's true. I'm not a snob but I did have a very isolated upbringing, filled with much rejection and unfortunately, I am the product of all that. I hide it well, I think deep down, I know I don't "belong" anywhere. My DH loves me and he says I am fabulous company, clever, dry witted and utterly charming. Well, he would, wouldn't he? but personally, I find socialising just soooo hard.

You need to concentrate on doing stuff you really enjoy. It may be that over time, you build a friendship from an acquaintance doing that particular activity. Or not.

You should maybe speak to your GP. NHS counselling may be available to you but, as you've been down that route, it may not be a place you want to visit again. Personally, I know why I am as I am. Talking endlessly about it doesn't change it. Cannot change it.

"You need to concentrate on doing stuff you really enjoy. It may be that over time, you build a friendship from an acquaintance doing that particular activity. Or not. "

don't know if you are still reading but this is kind of what I was trying to say too.....ironically, it's very hard to carry off starting an activity in order ot make friends.... only people with superb social skills can carry it off. Whereas doing an activity because you genuinely like it can lead to friendships just when you weren't looking....

or so I think!