How do you let go/forgive yourself for the past?

[ToTheLighthouse]

Have name changed.

Having been the product of toxic parents, I had a lot of self esteem issues from my teens up to quite recently (I'm in my early thirties). In my twenties, I felt so bad about myself that I suffered from really bad social anxiety where I would find it virtually impossible to talk to anyone or develop healthy friendships with people. Because of these issues I never really got on in work situations as I was just too anxious to talk to anyone - I think I came across as weird/standoffish and it would not take long before people at whatever office I was working in would pick up on it. So I have lots of bad experiences and memories of being bullied etc at work. I would only ever stay in jobs for short periods of time because of it and so ended up working for absolutely loads of companies. I think of the people who I used to work with who must look at me as some sort of weirdo or loser etc. My low self esteem also led me into some pretty shitty relationships with men - I allowed myself to be pushed around and abused basically. I made a lot of bad decisions.

Fast forward to now, since having my DD just over 2 years ago, I have managed to turn my life around. The relationship with her father did'nt work out but we do get on reasonably well now. I have had an absolute shitload of counselling for over a year now, have gone NC with my toxic parents (it has been such a weight lifted off my shoulders, should have done it YEARS ago...), am much more socially confident, have great friends, actually feel really positive about the future and feel like I have something to give the world. I'm studying and have gotten really good grades and this has increased my confidence even more.

However, I do still mull over the past A LOT. Going over past ills and imagine what I would say to so-and-so who said/did something mean to me etc all those years ago. Going over what I would say to my shitty parents. Beating myself up for allowing myself to allow people to walk all over me or humiliate me. I think it is essentially about self forgiveness but I just don't know how to do it. I thought MH would be the most appropriate forum to post this on.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks for reading.

Sometimes it helps to write about it. In a way it allows you to physically move the thoughts from your head to somewhere else. once they're out on paper consider them as out and away from you. If you need, you could burn them and get rid of all those negative, repetive thoughts completely. Very cathartic (and sometimes very emotional as well) so be gentle with yourself if you do x

Yes, what Tilly said, and have you looked into CBT? You could really benefit from learning some techniques to stop those negative thoughts in their tracks.

And tell yourself, out loud, that you give yourself permission to move on.

Good luck. X

I don't think you have to forgive yourself, you haven't done anything bad. Only gone through life in the best way you could at the time.

I think it's more about not regretting what has happened. Yes, you look back and wish you had done things differently. The simple fact is that you cant change what happened and how you reacted to situations in the past.

You can change the future, however so cbt as mentioned above can help you with that.

The way that I try to see things is that the things in my life that have gone wrong shape the person I am now. Therefore I try to accept things have happened and see the positives in them (ie what I've learnt etc).

Write a letter to those that hurt you and tell them what they did to you, then burn it.

I think the letter idea is a good one OP. And do you have someone unjudgmental who you can talk with about the things you blame yourself for? I talked over something with a dear friend who was able to point out that I was a child when this thing happened, and was not to blame.