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Christmas & Depression

19 replies

Megbeth · 27/10/2013 13:23

I always find it makes my depression worse. It's never a happy time for me. As soon as the decorations are in the shop my mood drops. I never had presents for anything as I child. I never got taken to see Santa. I knew when I was 4 yrs old was no Santa. It left me feeling like I'm not good enough & that I don't deserve to have things. I've never let DH buy me any presents. I'd just feel to guilty as we have other things to pay for.
I try to make it special for my kids but I always end up crying when they open their presents. I don't let them see me but I feel so sad that I didn't have a proper childhood.

OP posts:
trish5000 · 27/10/2013 14:44
Sad

You most certainly are good enough, and you most certainly deserve things. In fact, you deserve extra for all those you have missed. If DH wants to buy you something, [doesnt have to be a lot if it would make you uncomfortable], then I would let him. And remember that trish5000 and just about everyone on the planet would agree!

HoopHopes · 27/10/2013 16:07

Whilst we cannot change the past we can change now and the future. By not allowing yourself things you are maybe reinforcing sad times. Why not decide this Christmas to start new traditions, not necessarily what you did not have but focussing on what you have: a dh, children. Does not need to be expensive, but by joining in and sharing with your family you can give you and dc positive memories. Those people who do not have happy times from childhood can make them now. Such as:
Have a Christmas film you watch tog every year
Make paper chains
Go to a Christmas service maybe for children
Allow your dh to give you a gift, tell him you would like one ( the dc will notice you not unwrapping)
Go for a family walk every Xmas afternoon
Go and see Christmas lights in nearby town
Etc ..

Megbeth · 28/10/2013 02:44

Thank you for your replies.
I have no parents, they died when I was a baby. I lived in foster care for 12 years & my foster parents bought presents for their own children & my brother & I had nothing. We were just ignored on our birthdays & on Xmas day. They had an extension built on the house & locked themselves away from us. I never knew what it was like to have a normal family Xmas or birthday. At school I had to lie & say I got things when I didn't.

My foster parents were a Christian family. We had to go to church, say prayers & memorise chapters from the bible & recite them. SS never believed me when I told them what they were like. Foster parents made out they were a kind Christian family. They hit us, made us eat the food on our plates even if we were full until we vomited as we had thanked the Lord for the food & had to be truly grateful. We got sent to school with no lunch or drink. I ended up with anorexia & have suffered with depression for the last 22 years. I also have osteoporosis due to malnutrition.
My childhood effects me everyday. I make sure my kids have things so I got without. I don't have money extra to spend on myself. We have no other family & are not in the UK.
I don't think I have found the right therapist to help me. I have seen a lot but no one seems to know how to help me. I can't afford to see anymore therapists so I don't know where to go from here.

OP posts:
trish5000 · 28/10/2013 06:57

tbh, your reply has stopped me in my tracks too. Partly I think because you have at least 3 different problems going on Sad. And added to that you have seen therapists who havent been able to help you. And you are not in this country so I, but especially others, will not know what facilities there are available to you.

First off, has any of the therapy helped at all, and if so, which sort?

I think, and could be wrong, that if a person has multiple problems they need to be seperated out into the individual problems. Else you cant see the wood for the trees.

So, first off, very very sad for you that both your parents died. Do you feel you have grieved properly? There is a bereavement section on here that may be of some use?

Second. There is no way foster parents should have behaved like that, Christian or otherwise. That is appaling. Did you ever report them? Did they have other foster children? How did they treat their own family. I appreciate you must have talked this over many times with therapists, so in a way I am just acknowledging your post.

Third. Christians. Huh. Terrible behaviour. I wonder if they were Christians in name only. They sure as heck were not doing Christian behaviour.

I would like to be able to say, "oh well, just write off your childhood, it wasnt good", but it doesnt work that way does it?

trish5000 · 28/10/2013 06:59

Not having spare money doesnt help anyone's situation.
As regards therapists, are there some where you are that work for charities? Charities can be a wonderful source of help in all sorts of ways.

Megbeth · 28/10/2013 08:14

Thanks Trish.

There's a lot more that they did to us but too much to write here.
They did have 5 other foster children & 3 of their own children. We had no toys or new clothes, own kids had everything.
I have seen psychologist, psychotherapists, councillors psychiatrists. I tell them everything, get upset then am either told that's it your number of sessions are up so I have to start again with someone else. I currently see a lady that is funded by a charity for eating disorders. I feel I don't get anything from the session at all. She'll say the reason you feel like this is because of that but no coping skills or ways to deal with my feelings.
Sessions here are very expensive, we get some rebate not much but all therapists are private.

I am going to speak to my Dr to see if there is anyone else he can suggest as I just haven't found the right therapist.

SS weren't interested when I told them what foster parents were like. They even told me to shut up & to stop crying.

I left when I was 16 & came to live with my grandparents. My grandad had diabetes & had his legs amputated. My brother & I had to wash, feed & look after him. SS said there were able people in the house & they could only get help if we moved out. My brother was 18 & I was nearly 17. I had to work 2 part time jobs & study full time. I had to worry about paying rent & bills, it was really hard. I am used to working hard & having nothing for myself.
I was only 1 years old when my parents died so I don't remember them. At times I really miss not having a mum. I try to be the best mum to my kids.

OP posts:
mosp · 28/10/2013 08:57

Megbeth, I read your posts here and I am nearly in tears. I am aghast that so called Christians could treat children on this way, especially children that they should be loving and caring for! I wonder how their nasty behaviour has also affected their own children as well :(

I have not got anything very helpful to say, but thought you might want to know that I read this and I care.

I want you to heal.

I know that your experiences have set you back hugely, but I hope you will be strong and give your own children all that you were denied. I agree with trish, your children will enjoy seeing you participating in the opening of presents.

Sorry, I'm waffling here. I hope I haven't said anything wrong.

trish5000 · 28/10/2013 09:05

I dont know where you are in the world so it is difficult to comment on another how another country goes about things. My world knowledge is limited as I think you can appreciate.

You sound like a lovely mum to your kids. And glad that you have a DH to help you too.

Glad you are going to the GP about another therapist.

Did any of Hoophopes post help at all? Or you could take some ideas from it?

fwiw, I think you should allow your DH to get you some presents. I think it is in fact quite vital that you are looked after and appreciated. I think we can often end up not looking after ourselves properly to the detriment of everyone. I like to think of families as units, and it is important that all family members are looked after, including the primary giver.

Megbeth · 28/10/2013 09:44

Thanks HoopHopes, Trish & Mosp.
I've never had contact since I left foster parents. I don't know how their own children were affected but they had the best of everything & weren't treated like we were.

I think because I've always struggled with money & not having things I feel too guilty buying things for myself. I feel sad that I never had a stocking or went to bed all excited for Santa.

Whatever I do I always feel that I'm not good enough.
I work hard. I have a part time job & my own business but it's never enough.
I've never had any family support. Inlaws lived 5 mins away but never did anything to help so we emigrated to Australia.

OP posts:
trish5000 · 28/10/2013 09:54

Surprised Australia havent been more helpful for you. Thouhg I dont really know Australia at all.

Can I ask what you want out of the therapists? Dont know whether that is a helpful question to ask or not.

And have you tried self help books. I did find a range of books recently by Dr David Burns, an american I think. He has sold books in the million.

Megbeth · 28/10/2013 10:10

I see the best psychiatrist there is but he is just for my medication. I have seen a few therapists here & some I just didn't 'gel' with so didn't continue. The lady I see now is mainly related to my eating disorder but she knows all my history.
I just don't get given ways to cope or deal with my feelings. I feel after a few sessions I just hit a brick wall & they don't know how to help me.
We can get sessions at a reduced rate but it's still a private therapist so is expensive. I don't pay for the lady I see at the moment as it's funded by a charity.
I am seeing my Dr soon so I will ask if there is any other therapy that I can try. My psychiatrist said he was adamant for me not it have CBT.

OP posts:
trish5000 · 28/10/2013 10:27

I only know about CBT form what I have read on here. But I would have thought it would help. Dont know for sure obviously. Perhaps it is worth asking him why not?

YoniTime · 28/10/2013 10:40

Megbeth, you too deserve nice things and Xmas presents. You do Smile

My psychiatrist said he was adamant for me not it have CBT.
I find it very strange of your psychiatrist to say that. It's with CBT that I'm finally learning coping skills. I used to see a psychiatrist but she just dragged up painful old memories and that was horrible because I didn't know how to handle it. So CBT has been more helpful for me.

HoopHopes · 28/10/2013 10:41

Hi, it seems like you have had the opportunity to try, if not long term, psychiatry, psychologists, counsellors and eating disorders charity work. I t is great it is reduced cost or charity work is free. In UK I can assure you that you would not necessarily get longer, better or more treatment so it is hard for us to suggest anything else. Here in UK if you go private sessions do not stop as they are time limited but due to patient stopping. Here cbt is the initial treatment option given by the NHS, as it has high success rates and is about a person being prepared to make changes in their thinking and life. Maybe the people you have seen have heard your story and think you want to discuss it, in which case cbt would not be recommended?

If the lady you see now is not helping you why not stop seeing? See if it makes any difference? One thing I was told by a very blunt ( but good!!) therapist was " if you always do what you have always done you will always get what you have always got." This lady challenged me, not a kind empathetic lady and left me mid treatment to do other work. Not ideal, not easy but was what I needed to hear, but did not want to. Before then I had been searching for someone to rescue me, be a kind motherly figure to me. What I needed was that shock that my recovery was up to me and only I could do it. The biggest things I learnt was not a step by step toolkit ( does not exist) but:

If I want things to change I cannot keep doing the same things ( so by denying yourself a small, cheap gift from dh you are keeping things the same),
I have to be kind to me ( because people not kind to me in the past I have to show me kindness, up to me to treat me with respect, such as eating healthily, allowing myself to have hair cut etc)

What I am saying is that I had to change how I treat me. In the NHS here no access to a best psychiatrist and certainly not reduced private therapy and limited max of 12 sessions ever) NHS treatment. Perhaps instead of trying to find someone to tell you how to cope or how to deal with feelings you could start with some self help. Perhaps do some journaling to realise what you struggle with and what you could do about it. You mention not allowing yourself to get presents so perhaps start with changing that? I wonder if the reason you not found the right person or treatment is not because it is not there but maybe you are wanting a treatment that does not exist. There are cheap books you can buy about cbt to read and do the tasks alone to see if that model would suit you? There are online cbt courses that you could sign up to as well as another source of help?

Sorry I have written a lot and realise what I have written may not be liked. It is just I once needed someone to tell me that I had to actually make changes myself and if I did not I could not complain to myself that things were stuck or the same. All I was told was to be kind to myself. How can you show kindness to you? It is hard, it is a process. But it is life changing. I cannot change how people treated me in the past but I can change how I treat me now.

Megbeth · 28/10/2013 11:18

Thanks everyone for your replies.
I did ask my psychiatrist & he said that I had too many complex issues that needed to be addressed as CBT only deals with the here& now. I did see one therapist that had a very strange approach which I didn't like & I found out after he was doing a form of CBT. It made me feel very uncomfortable.

I am lucky here that our healthcare is so good. I wouldn't be as well & on the way to recovery with my ED if I hadn't seen my current psychiatrist. My Dr is very good too & have both seen me in emergency when I have needed to see someone. We can usually get appts with a Dr the same day or within a week. I was meant to be hospitalised a few times but I managed to stay at home as DH took time off work to look after me.

I have 2 more sessions with my current psychologist so I will see how things go in the new year.

I will see about some self help books

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

OP posts:
JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 30/10/2013 09:52

Just wanted to say that you are not alone. I do not enjoy Christmas for assorted reasons. A great friend died in hospital on Christmas Eve following an operation when I was 18 and I'm afraid the next few Christmases were just going through the motions for my parents because I lived with them. I hated Christmas for some time and never used to go to Xmas parties and people at work thought I was weird.

I've been single the last 4 Christmases. I see my parents for Xmas morning and have lunch with them (no point staying longer, they just sit and watch TV the rest of the day in silence) and then go home to my flat where I spend the rest of the day on my own. I work as much of the Christmas period as much as possible but see no friends as they all have their own families to spend it with. The evenings are the worst.

As soon as December arrives I can feel myself getting depressed about it all yet again. I buy presents for friends and cards and put a tree up at home, but I'm well aware it's going through the motions. It's a pretty rubbish time of the year if you are single and have pretty much no family.

Sorry, that's becoming a bit self-pitying. What I was trying to do was say that there are plenty of others out there who also don't enjoy or dread Christmas. You're not alone, and it doesn't mean your weird or have something wrong with you. And knowing it isn't just you sometimes helps a little.

Megbeth · 31/10/2013 01:13

Thanks for replying & sharing with me what Christmas is like for you.
Could you maybe do some voluntary work over Christmas? Even if it was for a few hours.

Christmas is so family focused but if you are single or on your own it's hard. I have to work Xmas eve & Boxing Day as one if my jobs I work at the shops so I just have Christmas Day to get through.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 31/10/2013 05:47

Just like to thank HoopHopes as well for her post.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 31/10/2013 08:54

Megbeth - the only day I am not working or volunteering between 20th December and 4th January is Xmas Day. I'm not 24/7 but I'll be doing 8 hours every day where possible. I daren't do any more, as I do have a tendency to overdo it and run myself down and become very susceptible to illness (rubbish immune system). I shall see a few strangers every day (no one else will be at work) but aside from those few hours with my parents on Xmas Day I shall probably see no one I know for around 10 days.

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