Anyone's dp/dh suffer from recurrent episodes of depression?

[CheesyFeet]

I have suffered on and off with depression all my adult life and my dh admitted last night how difficult he finds it to cope with it sometimes.

I'd be interested to hear the point of view of anyone in his position so I can do what I can to help him.

TIA

Cheesyfeet - you could be me. I have suffered with depression for four years now. Am much, much better now but still get bouts of it on occasions. I tend to shut dh out when I feel like this and he doesn't know what to do for me. It's only when I start to feel better in myself that I apologise to him. It's happened this week and, again yesterday I apologised to him. Not sure how long he can stay patient with me though. I don't think I'd have the patience if it was the other way round.

Both dp and I have suffered from periods of depression in our lives. I had a bad one 18 months ago that went on for over a year (coming out the other side now though ). Dp was amazing and fantastic in that he understood where I was at and never judged me or criticised me. He understood that some days I couldn't do anything at all, and also understood how just getting to the local shop could be so hard (and a triumph when I managed it!). He understood why I wouldn't go out socially although he would (gently) push me to join him, knowing that on the rare occasion I would manage to go that it would help me feel better.

I don't know how it is possible to manage living with a partner with depression if one hasn't gone through it oneself, as it can be incredibly frustrating and difficult to understand, but certainly criticism and a judgemental attitude will only make it worse

yes CF, dh has been through this on and off although never diagnosed because he will never go to the bloody doctor. Grrrrr.

Be warned - I know what I am saying is wrong and I should be dealing with it in the exact opposite way. I'm just trying to explain what it feels like for a partner.

I feel confused - if he's not happy with his life it must be something I'm doing wrong. Why doesn't he talk about it? Why doesn't he change it? Why doesn't he go to the doctors? Our life is pretty good. we have gorgeous kids. How can he be so sad?

I feel angry with him, furious actually - he is ruining our potentially happy family unit with unnecssary self indulgent feelings (it feels to me). His moods affect our children's happiness and future life. Why doesn't he just pull himself together and sort it out?

I feel terrified. One day when I think everything is chugging along nicely am I going to walk in and discover him unconscious or dead? Or will one of our children? Is he going to 'explode' at work and walk out of his job or our marriage?

I feel terribly sad. It's hard to enjoy life and keep a brave face on for the children when your life partner is miserable. I feel he sucks me down. We curtail the things we do such as socialising or camping trips because he's never in the mood.

Doesn't make nice reading, does it? I do try to hide these thoughts from dh because I realise how unhelpful they are but perhaps your dh is feling some of the same. You're talking now so that's a massive step in the right direction. good luck!

Dh has periods of depression/extreme stress - I'm not sure what it is. He has seen someone about it but felt better after two sessions and stopped going. I worry that it is some sort of cycle - just when I feel happy that things are going fine, he seems to slip down again - just over the edge of keeping perspective and just not quite being rational. His job can be very stressful he can vomit every night in the lead up to a big deadline and cry too, but I worry that it doesn't 'get better' enough after these contracts complete.

I do find the unpredicatability very difficult to cope with as I'm not a depressive type - I know I can find pleasure in the small things of life but when he's down, dh can't seem to see the sunshine and smile or get pleasure from something like using a favourite mug. I just try and tell him he's not on his own and we love him but what should I do?

My stepdad is a manic depressive and came of his meds without being monitored a few years ago which led to a terrible time for him and my mum. I know that she has said in the past that she wishes the doctors would ask her opinion on how he's been and what his behavior is like as she picks up on subtle changes.

Emmylou -I can really relate to every word of your post, especially the way it hits you out of nowhere when you think things are OK and the not taking joy in the little things.

I find myself manically going over the top in the other way to try and prod some enjoyment out of dh. 'Oh isn't it lovely to be walking in the country!! Listen to the birds! Oh look a rainbow!' or 'Isn't it lovely just to have a peaceful day at home..' or whatever. Blimey, I make myself feel nauseous!

Dh suffers from depression, he is seing people and trying to get help.

He has had it since he was young but has only admited it and done somthing about it in the past 2 years. He lost his mum when he was 11, he found her, she had killed herself and dh never grieved for her.

We have good days and bad days, some days i just want to shake him and tell him to snap out of it (not a good idea)

I think its nice to know that you are there for each other if either of you need to talk.
I try and suport him the best i can which can sometimes be hard as he finds it hard to talk. He knows that i am here if he does want to talk and sometimes he does talk (and does'nt stop)

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Shimmy your post really struck a chord as the things you list are probably how he feels.

I try very hard not to bring dh down with me and force myself to do all sorts of things that I don't really feel like doing just to maintain an air of normality for him. Some days though I don't even have the energy to do simple things like the washing up and in the past this has caused rows - I know partly because he's worried about me but I feel like he takes his worry out on me which makes me feel even worse iyswim.

We are talking atm but only after a lengthy and horrible row last night.

My depression stems partly from my Dad's suicide when I was 18. He was found by a stranger so at least I was spared the trauma of finding him myself. My most recent bouts have been caused by having to work full time with a young dd, I miss her terribly when I am at work. I have been having huge problems at work trying to get flexible working.

Emmylou, I do find pleasure in the small things in life. THe one about a favourite cup really made me smile as my day wouldn't be the same without a morning cuppa in mine . At the moment I am being treated and I am now well enough to work after a large chunk of time off, and to do family things at the weekends.

Spacedonkey your dp sounds fab. This is what I am looking for from my dh but unfortunately he doesn't feel able to give it to me atm.

Sparkler I think that you have touched on a huge problem we have at the moment. He needs support in return for the support he wants to give me and because I've had such a rough time recently and I am too exhausted dealing with my own problems to deal with his

Poor dh.

Message withdrawn

Hi Cheesyfeet,

My Dh has had recurrent bouts of depression over the last 4 years or so. It's been tough as he refuses to go to the GP and often covers up how he feels to the point where now I never know whether to believe him if he says he's OK .

Before we had dd we coped together and I worked hard during his bouts to help him through by making sure we had things to do. When things were really bad I'd need to force him to shower & eat which was grim but we got through it together. It's been harder since having dd because she takes up so much of my emotional energy.

I feel sad and angry that in a way I've lost the man I married, depression has truned him into someone else. I've always been the moody one and him the emotional stable one so it's been very hard to adapt especially if I'm feeling low myself. I can empathise with how he feels as I had PND but feel guilty that, in all honesty, I get very irritated at times by it. I wish he would be more proactive and get help. When he's well I just feel like I'm waiting for the next down to hit us.

Things I try & do are to try and plan things to do when we have time off together, eg lunch out, a walk or visit to the swings with dd as he says being with me & dd lifts him. A tough situation for both involved I think.

Shimmy21 - my dh's doctor told him that depression isn't cyclical but that doesn't fit with my experience of dh's black periods. Maybe its not regular but there def seems to be some sort of pattern, probably related to his work. Actuslly, I'm sure he's worse in the autumn too. Anyone else had experience of this?

I find that dh'd anger comes from nowhere too - talking about planning days out Liath, I find they can be a bit fraught with me never knowing how dh will react. He can become the fourth child and gets so over the top angry with situations that are beyond anyone's control (say, traffic, queues - I know this is normal stuff but his reaction is very often NOT normal I feel, and I have to explain that to the older two children later) or just child centred situations and frustrations that you just get on with and deal with. I usually end up sending him away when he gets like this, just so the kids can have a break from him. He's not like this all the time, but during his dark periods its like he suffers sensory overload.

my dh has had either unipolar or bipolar depression for 20 years. he has been on meds almost all that time, with serious setbacks if he comes off them. I sometimes wonder if he 'should' be on them as it can't be great taking such a cocktail, but I am also so relieved he has them.

He has good support - psychiatrist and CPN who he doesn't always like very much but who are both very experienced and helpful. He has pretty much an open pass to the day hospital when he needs it, but has only used it once in the time i've known him. he has a fairly clear pattern of how his depressions go - day 1, he's fed up, day 2/3 very very tired, then about day 4 says he doesn't know what the future holds or what he is doing and literally bursts into tears. at that point he is plunging into the depths and usually will need to go to bed for 24/48 hours. after that he is still fragile for a bit, then within 12 hours he will suddenly be OK and may even go a bit 'high'.

other helpful things; he has tried a lot of therapy and i think it has been helpful in some ways. mood diary very very very useful. he has tried a huge range of drugs before settling on a combination that works - his psychiatrist really believes people should only be on 1 or 2 drugs but it doesn't work for dh. Poetry and writing - really helps and helps me a lot because it takes me into his world a little bit which helps me to be understanding.

what helps me: TIME OFF. time on my own to do my stuff. if dh is ill I can't have it. as soon as he is well again i chuck ds at him and go out. i know that company helps him when things are bad but i also know i need to be selfish and keep my own life/social life/interests.

talking about it. it is really hard/impossible to understand but talking can help.

what a book!

oh, also; being open about it. if dh can't come to a social thing then i go with ds and tell the host/hostess that he's depressed at the moment. i'm simply not going to spend any of my energy thinking up reasons/excuses. sorry if that sounds brutal. i'm sure it is.

acnebridge - the more honest people are about depression, the more it will be seen to be the illness it is. Often feel that mental illness is seen as self indulgent - have even felt so frustrated that i've felt that way about dh myself sometimes but I know its wrong. There is a stigma and socially that makes it harder to deal with. Its not brutal - go tell it as it is!

My dh and I have both had depression on and off since we met 13 years ago.
It has been worse since dd was born last Feb because I felt like such a bad mum. I had an awful experience of labour and I found breastfeeding so painful that I just lay awake dreading the next episode and gave up when she was five days old because I was exhausted and frightened of the pain. Then there were the awful thoughts; each time dd cried I would imagine doing awful things to her to make her be quiet. Now when she cries, I just want to cuddle her so things have improved in that way.
Since then loads of my friends have had babies and they are of course all devoted breastfeeders with cloth nappies hanging from the line.
I feel dreadful that I couldn't be bothered to do those things for my baby and still can't.
We have both been on and off the ADs since then and although DH went to the doctors, he is convinced that they can't help him and don't really care. I think he might also be a bit jealous that I have a psychiatrist to help me but he doesn't. I spoke to the psych about this and I think he is trying to organise some family therapy for us.
dh used to have a great sense of humour but he seems to have become very moody and hyper critical of my housekeeping skills (or lack thereof)to the extent that last week he refused to eat the curry that I had cooked because it was too greasy (he eats kebabs and fry ups fgs!) He also nags me about some decking that he has built but doesn't want anyone to stand on and he just expects me to do no gardening until he has fixed it. Today, when a plant appeared in a place that was inaccessible except via the decking he said 'how did that get there?' That really annoyed me because he knew the answer and wanted me to admit that I had broken 'the rule'!

it is tough that we are both depressed and I am difficult to cope with too because I lose my temper and start screaming and shouting. He talks in a loud voice but in his own opinion does not shout or lose his cool. When dd is babbling away happily he tells her to stop screaming and when she is playing he tells her to stop making a mess. He will not accept any assertion that he may be wrong about any of this.

Good luck all of you, I just needed to offload but I will respond to other posts in time. You are not alone.

My dh suffers from bouts of depression. The trigger factor is a long and ongoing medical condition. Him feeling low is always there although sometimes well hidden, but added pressures tends to tip the balance and when this happens it is very hard for him to see what problems that causes for the whole family. This causes problems in our relationship as it can take months for him to lift himself up enough to put things back into perspective. Due to the strain this has on our relationship I went to see if the GP could help. He suggested relate so in desperation I persued the suggestion. Although it would be better if we both went, I do feel that I need to have better stategies to help support him when really low. It has made me realise that I spend such alot of time thinking about dh and children that I never allow myself to switch off or put on 'hold'. So when he feels really low that puts extra pressures on myself and because I already have alot it makes me feel really angry.

So if I start taking more time out this might make me a less stressed person and be more supportive to him when he needs to be left alone.

I think it is very difficult for the partners and families of those who suffer from depression and there should be more support out there for them. Unless the person depressed realises it and seeks out help there is nothing that you can do to make it happen. My dh knows that he has low periods has said that he thinks he maybe depressed, but will not admit that to anyone else. The depression will not go as the medical condition will not go, but it would be better if he got some advise on strategies for dealing with it.

It is reassuring to know that you are not on your own, but it is still very difficult when you are trying to fulfill everyones needs and no one seems to think about yours.

Cheesy...email me please xxxxxx