This isn't that bad, right?

[SweetSkull]

I remember when I was a child, imagining me opening a car door when the car was at speed and throwing myself out, just to see what would happen.
As a teenager I would fantasise being a homeless in the streets, just to see what would happen.
Now as an adult sometimes I imagine what would happen if someone pushed me or my daughter on the tube/train line? What would happen if a car loses control and run me or my child over on the pavement?
Sometimes I am the one (in my imagination) who is causing these 'incidents' however I am struggling to recall one example right now.
I also seem to be obsessed with my husband dyeing. Very often, I think about becoming a widow, I always think what if he never comes back from work...
But I am pretty sure I would never do anything to cause anyone any harm.
I would describe myself as a quiet person, I am not terribly outgoing and I know I have some low self esteem issues (always had for as long as I can remember), but I manage to work, have some friends etc.
I never was diagnosed with depression or anything even though I have been true some serious shit in my life.
My life coping mechanism is a bit of religion, asterism, self help and unrealistic optimistic hope for the future, since I am not very pratical at all.
I don't know if there is any relation but my dad is bipolar and is now under control and my sister has been through depression treatment but is getting better now.

I am just asking here because I really hate when I have these thoughts and it makes me not enjoy being myself at all when it happens, even though overall I am a rather content person..

I dont know anything much about this.
The thing that stood out most from your post was the I have been through serious shit in my life. That could be why some of your thoughts are sometimes as they are.

Have you thought about having some therapy for this[dont know which if any would be suitable].
You could have a chat with your GP and see what he recommends?

Honestly I think these kinds of thoughts are quite normal. If they are becoming really intrusive, though, ask your GP for some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to help you manage the thoughts. I did this and have developed a technique of sort of acknowledging the thought is there but not engaging with it, if you see what I mean.

P.S my dad is bipolar too and I know it's easy to wonder if you are heading the same way, but honestly loads of people I know have thoughts similar to these - it's how you deal with them that matters.

Thanks
Since people don't normally go talking abut this ind of thoughts, I just wanted to know what/when is normal and when is intrusive?
I have been through some hard moments but it appears that I have a very thick skin - to thick to my liking tbh - and I am sure people have been through worse.
Therapy always been in my mind, I have had only two sessions one when I was a teenager and the therapist told my mother I was rebel and stubborn and other one many moons ago and the only thing I can remember is the the therapist telling me if I was aware that there was bad people in the world?
I don't have much spare time or cash so I was push starting therapy for later, also because I don't even know if I will be able to express my feelings or thoughts properly.

Normal is just every so often and it's just a what if that you don't get worked up about.

Intrusive is like tune you Can't. Get. Out. Of. Your. Head and you're wound up tighter than a wonky clockspring because you think the constant thoughts of brutal violence mean you're one bad day away from being the next notorious spree killer. Or similar.

If they bother you on an intellectual level ("I really need to stop being so morbid, honestly!") they're not intrusive.

Doesn't look like it is intrusive than.

I believe it's normal. I also know that some women have these thoughts more after they've given birth - it's a type of anxiety. There was a study about this some months ago, not sure what the outcome was though