After 12 years it has finally hit me the damage i have done to myself with my eating disorder. would be great to hear from fellow bulimia sufferers...

[juicychops]

i am not even going to bother name changing as I posted many years ago about my eating disorder, but I think I have been in denial for a long time about the amount of control I have over this illness. After an upsetting visit to the dentist it has really hit home what I am doing to my body and I don't feel upset, I just feel disappointed and angry with myself for living like this for so long.

I have been like this since i was 17, im now 28. I got help about 4-5 years ago. I saw a dietitian, a psychologist for CBT therapy and a psychiatrist. I went on anti depressants for a while which I don't think did too much, but the therapy and dietitian was great and it really helped me. But I didn't carry it on as long as I should of and I clearly wasn't ready to be discharged, but I felt like I had got as much as I was going to get out of it and the rest was down to will power... I obviously didn't have enough of it because I have never got over it and have continued my binging/purging habits ever since.

Some positive came out though as i had learned to control my eating better and I am no where near as bad as I was. I couldn't keep anything down before - even fruit and veg as I thought id get fat, but now I can go days at a time and eat normal meals as long as they aren't huge.

but I am still a long way off I fear. I know all the thought processes im meant to be thinking, but in a stupid way its like I just want to carry on eating the nice things, and doing it my way it means I wont put on weight! but I am starting to see the impact that is having on my health.

the main things I struggle with is when im on my own as I tend to binge uncontrollably (my bf is round most of the week but a couple of nights he isn't), or if I have a takeaway because I just eat too much. there are some nights when my bf is here and I just put too much on my plate and over eat, or i eat too much dessert that I just cant handle if being in my belly so I have to sneak off to the bathroom.

it may sound pretty pathetic that I can't control this as it literally is just greed, but I can't stop overeating... and part of me doesn't want to either as its nice and I enjoy it, and once ive got rid of it then its all ok. (I know that its not though)

I told my bf the first time round when I got treatment, but no one else other than a few friends ever found out. not even my family. there is no one in real life that knows that I am still suffering, other than my dentist who has to refer me to the hospital so that I can be sedated and have 8 deep fillings as my teeth are just getting awful. This is what has jolted me into finally doing something about it.

I don't want to be referred again as I don't have a car and the places I went last time were so far away (I used to have a car so it wasn't a problem). plus I don't think they will really help much more. I feel the last step is down to me and having some willpower.

im going to see how I get on by myself for a while. if I struggle then I will think about getting referred again, but for the mean time im going to try my hardest as I now have an incentive which I didn't have before - to still have teeth left by the time im 30

it would be nice to hear from others who have experienced the same or similar experiences. I really do feel quite alone in real life. stupid and alone.

was hoping someone was going to be around tonight to talk to - this is a massive thing for me so feel really anxious about it now! kind of feel a bit stupid now for posting.

well, its 9.21pm and I am almost through the first night alone without binging for god knows how many months/possibly over a year, and it has been bloody hard so im going to bed now before anything can tempt me and make me ruin it.

Hello - fellow bulimic here. Don't feel bad about posting. My teeth are shit as well and I hate it, except that I have a decade on you.

It can get better, but its hard going and never really goes away. Its all about the triggers and trying to avoid it - but god knows its hard.

I'm not able to post much more tonight as have other stuff on, but didn't want you to think no one understood or cared.

I don't have experience of this but it sounds like you are making massive progress. Well done. You are taking charge of your health which is so important.

Sorry to hear about your ED, it's a very tough road to go down. I had an ED years ago, bulimia. My bad period was never as long as yours but years I feel so much more body confident and easier around food than I ever did. Don't get me wrong those behaviours are still somewhat there, but it's more minor things like not being able to finish a chocolate bar or not having huge puddings. I can eat a whole packet of chrisps, so yay me! Sounds stupid but these things are huge for me.

Anyway, I hope the ramblings have helped somewhat.

Ironically it was my crippling fear of the dentist which was a turning point for me as well.

Hi juicy chops sorry you having bad time.

I cant pinpoint exactly when 1st made myself sick 12/13 combined with very low cal diet throughtout late teens.

Then when went to uni really struggled even more with the sickness.

I remember working part time in fashion shop and my boss confronting me about it.

Pressures final year uni went into a downward spiral.

Admtted to my boyfriend at the time and said would get help as was self harming too.

Went to gp who put me on heavy duty antidepressent venlafaxine and tranquilisers.

he refered me to phychologist who said i wasent insane enough to warrent any additional help did voluntarily do some counselling with uni couneller but i was treated as if was depression.

I think my mum knows not that she ever mention it.

My now husband knows as been quite honest at the start.

fast forward 10 years im 33

so 20years on an off and never had any offical treatment seems scary when work it out.

during last 10 years rarly been sick.

but last couple of months have slipped.

cant face mentioning to anyone real life.

i sort of flitter between purging and not eating.

its mostly about control lifes bit shit right now and out of control.

But I admit i hate my figure after 3 kids and feel fat most days.

went to docs last week sleeping pills a having problems sleeping and anxiety/panic attacks told him no to anti ds as my records 10y ears ago were ot on computer he dident suspect I had an ed.

Im so ashamed after I one it but love weird floaty feeling calm afterwards.

havent been sick last few days been trying but not ate much.

I have gum disease and fear of dentist oddly teeth seem fine and dentist never mentioned eating disorders but its probably factor.

Im just hoping i can work through this by myself but thinks its always there and mines triggered by stress.

Hope you feeling better soon. In some ways bulimas no where near as obvious as anorexia and thinks its more common then people think as so easy to hide.

hi thanks everyone for posting, it feels better knowing there are a few people out there who understand how horrible it is.

Had a really good day today but ruined it this evening. I promised my son pizza takeaway so got one for us to share (normally i get a large to myself) so that I couldn't over eat, but still ended up eating just that bit too much that just pushed me over the edge so that I just couldn't keep it in me. feel really disappointed in myself, especially as I tried so hard yesterday. il have to just start again tomorrow

Bluecookiemonster, I know exactly how big a thing it is to be able to eat something like a whole pack of crisps.

3asabird, sorry to hear you are going through a tough time. it is so easy to hide, which is probably why its so easy to carry on and stay in denial that there is anything wrong, because there is no one to question if everything is ok with you.

I think stress used to be a trigger for me which is what started it all off in the first place, and I suppose it still is now sometimes if im stressed or angry I just want to eat, but its just part of my routine now and has been for so long that its habit and an addiction to binge and It just makes me feel better (for a while then I feel shit)

its now mostly the evenings that I struggle, especially when im on my own so I need to find things to keep my brain distracted from food. Its so hard. My bf always goes on about how much I go on about food - I just don't even realise im doing it!

Ive got to go now but will come back tomorrow

Juicychops... I am where you are... not quite as long as 12 years - more like 5.... I am also terrified of the dentist and facing some fairly major treatment under IV sedation...
It does feel better knowing I am not the only one out there going through it. I was having a good day yesterday.. but a bad afternoon and so I took myself off to sort it out. Feel horrible now... but much calmer.

Went to GP about IV sedation last week and he suggested I was at a crossroads with this that if I am still doing this when I am 7-10 years older I will never change... but that I should seek help now especially for my family.
Just dont feel like I can deal with opening Pandora's box...

No worries juicy chops helpful to chat to people who are similar.

Like you say when im purging I feel almost high.

Then afterwards just feel terrible.

I never really been one to purge savoury foods for me its always choc or ice cream combined with limited savoury diet done the lot very low cal, low fat,low carbs, slimming world.

I feel im slipping and last few days been afraid to eat much if hardly eat i can lose weight feel better about myself im 5, 5 and currently 9 stone 2 when weighed myself yesterday good size 10 so dont look like wasting away which is why its so easy to hide.

Im opposite to you we live in small 3 bed semi detached shoe box and have 3ids.

so im sick in day when they at school and hubbys at work or i he goes over his mothers /to the shops would be scared f he was in the house.

I did tell him when we met a hes seen old pics of me when i was at my skiniest but its not really somethings that,s ever crossed his mind that its a current problem.

Hardly eaten much today told him im on low carb this week he says he loves me way i am. But he made cheese on toast earlier and i had small piece i mean a bite and she said there,s loads carbs i that and i aid jokingly that,s ok can go vomit it back up, had no idea why i said that to him.

He got quite abrupt and said given your history that,s not funny he seemed quite cross which made me think f he knew he be disgusted and angry with me.

I had to do top up shop tonight and as passed the choc and biscuits ailse its all I could think about.

But i havent been sick i last 5days .I want to be but I havent.

Its so hard to break the cycle.

Does your boyfriend know?

Hi everyone. 3asabird, im sure your bf wouldn't be angry and disgusted with you if you told him, but I know how easy it is to think that's how everyone would look at you. that's how ive felt for so long so no one knows im still ill. my bf thinks I stopped all this years ago when I had treatment and has no idea, but im starting to think about maybe telling him but only when I feel I have some control over things otherwise I feel like he will be watching me like a hawk and I couldn't deal with that. He may feel disappointed with me for not telling him, but I don't think he would be disgusted. im going to see how I get on by myself over the next few weeks and maybe tell him then.

ive had a good couple of days - its been 3 days now since the last time and still feeling positive, although had a really stressful afternoon and was a real battle to not reach for the chocolate. it is so hard isn't it.

hi mrsspink I know how you feel about pandoras box. it was hard enough admitting I had a problem the first time and telling my bf and getting treatment, but its been a hard thing admitting to myself this time around that I still have a problem... if it wasn't for my teeth then I would still be in denial about it thinking that its all fine. I would probably have carried on until my teeth fall out. My teeth don't even look too bad from the front apart from receeding gums where I brush them so hard, but most of my back ones are almost hollowed out with decay and need deep fillings.

I would agree that the longer it goes on the harder it possibly would be to stop. I wish I had tried harder years ago when I had the treatment.

its my birthday on sunday and every year I tell myself that this is a new year and im going to be better. well, this time I am determined otherwise im terrified my teeth are just gunna drop out. almost every night I am having dreams about my teeth falling out, its awful.

I will be having quite a few birthday meals with family so that is going to be the hardest thing to get through them, but if I can do that then I can do anything... im just going to try and stay positive. ive also started running again which helps psychologically with the weight issues as I feel more relaxed about eating small bad things.

I wish my brain wasn't so messed up about food I hate it so so much. food consumes all my thoughts all day every day from when I wake to when I go to bed. only people who have experienced eating disorders can understand that which is why its nice to hear from others who know how it feels. I have no one in real life like that