Mini-breakdown or just a coping mechanism>

[OrmirianResurgam]

I have been thinking recently about how I coped with events in my life recently. To recap briefly. I am a chronic depressive, I have been on Ads on and off (mostly on) since DD was born 14 years ago. I have in the past made attempts to come off them but always end up worse than before. The latest attempt was summer 2011 – thought I was doing OK but during the winter I found myself spiralling out of control and this ended with standing on a m-way bridge for about an hour trying to pluck up courage to jump. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, started running again, changed my diet, went to see my GP and asked for Ads again (I HATED that!).

All this time H was, in my memory at least, totally unsupportive and just kept telling me to ‘see the GP’. He says he didn’t know what else to do...maybe, I guess living with a depressive is pretty dreadful. Anyway I was just beginning to get back to normality when I began to have suspicions about H and a co-worker. These turned out to be well-founded. He was in an affair for 6 months that ended when I found out. I think he was sleep-walking into it, enjoying the ego-boost and all the feel-good stuff, and it took my rage and pain to snap him out of it.

The thing is I have looked back on the first year after I found out and I have realised something. I was locked up in a little box in my head, or perhaps more like a cocoon that I was growing and healing inside. Things hurt too much. I couldn’t listen to gentle music or love songs, I only liked loud angry music. I lost the ability to concentrate on books – I have always been an avid reader but I couldn’t cope with them at this stage in my life. I used to listen to podcasts - preferably violent horror stories or sci-fi, nothing that allowed me to think. I couldn’t (still can’t) watch TV as I can’t concentrate long enough. I used to walk and walk and walk with my dog, listening to my scary stories. I became less patient and other people’s problems bored me. Even my kids irritated me. I turned into a totally different person. I am slowly emerging from this. I am still cautious and wary, I still feel a bit cauterized from my feelings, I still find myself checking my responses to people and events to see if they are normal.

I came out of this feeling emotionally bruised. I still get angry. I still cry. I still feel worthless at times though I am working on it. It was like depression but not quite the same. I honestly feel that if I had been allowed to live on a desert island I’d have been happy and healthy. I feel as if I have been convalescing from a serious illness.

Anyone able to relate?

Well... never mind. It's passing anyway. Good day today. 21st wedding anniversary and H gave me a thank you card

Orm - I relate to what you wrote. I'm over 5 months post discovery of my H's affair and I think I have 'reactionary' depression? Can't concentrate (also used to be a book worm), struggle with certain types of music, spend lots of time in bed when I used to be very active, very anxious/nervous most of the time. I'm resisting ADs though and am taking St John's Wort for now. Some days better than others and I'm just plodding on. Hoping I will emerge from the fog soon.....

Hope you continue to emerge too. Happy Anniversary to you - well done on still being together! It was our 10yr anniversary last month. H didn't know what to do for the best so just got me a card.

Thanks 3hotcrossbuns. THe lack of concentration is the worst for me. I used to read and read ever since I was a child - it was my escape, losing that has hurt a great deal. Also bed...I can't wait to get in it and then I was unable to sleep!! I got some sleeping tablets in the end but thankfully that has passed.

Hope things get better for you too. How is it going with reconciliation? I found it was constantly bouncing around in my head, should I stay, should he go, was it my fault, perhaps we've reached the end, how could this happen, was it my fault, do I want to stay etc etc. Horrible.

Fucking hell, no wonder you're feeling emotionally bruised and need some escapism - your DH behaved like a total cunt

I know I can only say 'surface' things that may not even apply to you, but it does come across that you're desperately fighting your depression.

That you've got an idea in your head that you should be 'normal' and can only be that without the depression/AD's, otherwise you're some kind of freak who's 'not right'.

What's stopping you from accepting your biological make up means you have to take these meds in order to feel OK?

Would it be different if you had diabetes? Would you be constantly working towards getting off the medication if that was the case?

Absolutely not.

You're not worthless at all, but I know who I think might be, and I really hope you feeling worthless hasn't influenced trying again with him. That you don't deserve anything else and it was your fault anyway for being so crap, because that's not the truth.

Him doing that was totally his responsibility.

Have you posted on the relationship boards here about his betrayal? They're shit hot on that subject, definitely make you feel better and more in control.

Morning Orm. I hope you are ok. I did try to post a reply on Thursday but my phone didn't 'post' it. Annoying.
Anyway I was saying that I have all those constant circling thoughts too. It's bloody hard when H has stepped so far over my boundary of what's acceptable. If I was advising a best friend I'd say LTB about my H! Not so easy when its your own life though. It invades my dreams too. Last night I dreamt he had a 'love child' we had to look after on a Sunday. Horrible.

Did/Are you having any counselling? I'm seeing someone individually which is sort-of helping. A lot of the heat has gone out of my anger now and the shock of discover is wearing off. Now I have to face the cold reality of what he has done. H is trying to be supportive and we've both learnt alot over the last few months about why/how he had an affair (low self esteem, issues at work, poor coping mechanisms, poor modelling by a philandering father and accepting mother etc etc) and I understand it wasn't about me. He takes ownership of his decision to have an affair. I still feel like shit though - clearly the thrill of the affair, the OW were worth more than me and our marriage as he was prepared to risk it all.

In terms of the reading, are you in a book club? If it wasn't for my group (and the manic speed reading 2 days before our next get together) I'd have only read Shirley Glass and mumsnet for the last 5 months!! Also it's been good for getting out socially without having to organise anything - I wouldn't bother otherwise. Actually now the summer holidays are over I'm feeling less isolated as there have been a few class mums coffees/evenings out. Do you have anything similar? It's quite a good distraction. Planned exercise helps too like a booked and paid in advance course? If it wasn't for my Pilates class I doubt I'd have got out of bed until lunchtime yesterday (H took kids to school).

Re the depression have you tried anything like St John's Wort? I've started taking it a couple of weeks ago. Can't say if its helped or not yet. I do want to avoid ADs if I can though. I'm very anxious which coupled with a lack of trust for my H is making life tricky. He finds it frustrating but does realise where it comes from (him!). I hate being like this though. Have you rebuilt trust into your relationship? How long did it take? Did you just have to grit your teeth and get through him being at work, nights out etc? My H says I'm not strong enough yet for him to have nights out with his mates but I think that's just avoiding the problem. I realise its still early days for me but its very debilitating. Anyway today is another day, keep plodding on...

I recognize these symptoms too. It really helped me to know that there are about 10 different types of depression with different symptoms over different time frames and effective management needs to be as subtle and sophisticated as the specific episode to treat it correctly. My GP throwing a succession of ADs at me meant that I have suffered for 11 years now until I got a psychiatrist referral who put me on anf then took me off the exact meds that I needed at that time.

I have had PND after my last two children with each depression lasting 2 years - but then my mother died suddenly and that depression was as you describe -- I think you could be grieving for your marriage - as said above experiencing a "reactionary depression" to an external event rather than the intrinsic depression you have suffered in the past. Or you are experiencing "multiple depressions" on top of each other. Although you are still together your marriage is now something else and you could be grieving for what you understood it to be.

My depression has made me hard to live with and I dont know why my husband stays around. I am not sure I would if I were him and I also think that I hope that my children don't end up with a partner with mental health problems like me.