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Mental health

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Original poster

Don't want to be here any more

20 replies

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 12/10/2013 22:04

Just that. I've had enough.

I don't feel depressed - I've had depression three times in the past and can recognise all the symptoms as do people who know me. I've just got to the point where I don't want to be here any more.

I have had enough of being on my own, friends and the tiny family I have aren't enough. It's coming up to 4 years single, 3 years since I had a date, I'm a few months away from 40 and I just don't want to do it any more. I don't have a real purpose for being here

I am NOT about to top myself tonight. I have always believed that some people are pre-disposed to suicidal thoughts or actual intent (and I believe in euthanasia if people are ill and had enough). I've believed for some time that I are one of those people and that I could see myself doing something when I get to a point where I don't see any necessity or reason to stay around.

Unless things change, I KNOW that next year, I will do something about it. I've tried everything to meet people and compared to many I am 'well off' - I have a little flat, an interesting (if not well paid) creative job, some hobbies, some good friends. But it's enough. I like myself and I don't mind being on my own at times. But I have had enough of not going off on holidays because I can't afford to go solo, and even if I could, I've had enough of not having somewhere to share things with. And yes, I miss waking up next to someone some mornings. And I miss someone touching me and making me feel like I actually bloody count for something and that I mean something to them.

OP posts:

SPBisResisting · 12/10/2013 22:11

Are there any big changes you could make in your life that would omprove things? Could you travel? Change jobs? Move away?
Why would you rather end your life than improve it? (Genuine question, not a dig).

SPBisResisting · 12/10/2013 22:12

Do you have children?
You are 39, there is so much time to make huge changes.

suebfg · 12/10/2013 22:14

It doesn't take much to change your life you know. One encounter might be all it takes. Please don't lose hope - get out there!

Original poster

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 12/10/2013 22:23

No, I don't have children. May seem odd my being on here, but I never had wanted them. I do have a goddaughter but don't see hugely often as they live some distance away.

In terms of family, I have my parents. Once they are gone, then it really is me.

I have been getting out there for 4 years but, harsh as this may sound, I don't want to be a stepparent. So my pool is very small. Even online dating has proved to be a strikeout - I've been on every site for months at a time, then break, then refresh.

I changed jobs 2 years ago, and relocated. Has made no difference. I've sort of done all the things I wanted to do when I was younger, I have no real ambitions to do anything. I just want to be with someone.

I know we shouldn't NEED someone to complete ourselves. But I do. Because, I think, I have so few family.

OP posts:

suebfg · 12/10/2013 22:26

The older we get, the more likely it is that people have a history/'baggage' - for want of a better word. Perhaps you might need to reassess what is most important - being with someone or not potentially being a step-parent. Maybe you are inadvertently dismissing a whole bunch of people, one of whom might be your Mr Right

Original poster

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 12/10/2013 22:31

Please, please, I have spent months discussing that with friends and with a counsellor. I KNOW I cannot cope with children on a regular basis. I can't explain to you, presumably a parent, why that is. It just isn't in me. It never will be and I've always known that. I am well aware that limits my options but I cannot become someone I am not, that is not fair on a potential partner or, more importantly, their children. If he has or wants children, then he can never be my Mr Right.

I know, it's stuck between devil and the deep blue sea. That's the problem. I'm not happy being perpetually single but I'd be even less not happy as a stepparent.

It doesn't make me a hideous person, you know.

OP posts:

SPBisResisting · 12/10/2013 22:31

Not at all - dont know how new you are but loads of posters do not have children.

If you say you are not depressed then is there any chancethis is a reaction to a big birthday looming? A sortof mid life crisis?/ low point?
You sound very calm and logical but you are never going to get people to agree that you would be better off not here, unless youve commited some hideous crime. I know its easy for me to say look at the positives and I dont know what the answeer is.
I know youre saying youre not depressed but I do think it's wortb seeing your gp.i dont know how you can claim to be so tired of life that you dont want to be here, and not be depressed tbh. I know you may wonder what is the point and I can only suggest that you owe it to yourself not to give up on yourself. When were you last happy and why?

SPBisResisting · 12/10/2013 22:33

I think youre right to insist on no children. If you dont want to act as a parent or step parent then there is no point in being with a man with children.

filee777 · 12/10/2013 22:35

To be honest, I think this is just about to get easier for you, you are now at the age where people have decided whether they want kids or not which is great really, I have friends who dont want children (they are not the devil either) and it has only been when they have got past the 35 mark that they have been able to formulate deep relationships with people without it ending in disaster because the other one wants children.

I seriously think that someone will snap you up, I imagine that if there is plenty more fish in the sea, your net is getting bigger and bigger and you'll probably have more fun in your 40s/50s than you did in your younger years when everyone was geared towards having kids and settling down.

My friends are having amazing fun now, travelling and just enjoying life. There is nothing wrong with it, someone will want to do that with you.

suebfg · 12/10/2013 22:36

Hopefully I didn't make any suggestion that that would make you a hideous person ...

But some of the men you might meet may well be dads to 20 year olds or over - hardly children.

And if you meet Mr Right, you don't know how that might change you.

SPBisResisting · 12/10/2013 22:39

Yes I thought that sue. There will be a fair fww men around witb grown up children.
That said, while this is all about companionship and loneliness I don't think upping efforts to meet someone is necessarily the answer. It could be tomorrow, it could be ten years time. I suspect it would be sooner rather than later but I still think you need to find a way to live and enjoy your life in the meantime.

suebfg · 12/10/2013 22:40

Agreed SPBisResisting.

Original poster

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 12/10/2013 22:42

sue - you've just done it again. Mr Right won't be Mr Right if he has kids. OK? I haven't changed my mind about kids in 30 years of knowing they weren't for me. Two partners left me because I wouldn't change my mind over kids.

filee - you want to have a look. trust me, there are NOT plenty of fish in the sea. Because MEN can still have kids at later ages, and there are still LOADS of men in their 40s looking for women to have kids with, just like more and more women are having kids in their 40s.

OP posts:

Original poster

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 12/10/2013 22:44

Men with kids in their 20s are fine. Until the grandkids come along....!

OP posts:

SPBisResisting · 12/10/2013 22:46

Ha yes thats true.
There are sites out there for people who are childfree through choice arent there? Not sure if they're chat/dating a bit of both. Some I think are vile but some must contain the majority of child free people who are just normal!

suebfg · 12/10/2013 22:47

OP, was just trying to help but frankly, you're verging on rude now. So sort your own problems out OK?

SPBisResisting · 12/10/2013 22:54

Op I hope youre ok. I think you're going to play on my mind so if you can check in every now and again it woukdbe aappreciated. Good night x

Original poster

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 12/10/2013 22:56

Sorry if you feel that way Sue, but all I get from so many women is "you'll change your mind when you meet the right man" or "if you don't change your mind you'll just be on your own forever" so when people press that point when I've already said once what the situation is, I can find that verging on rude, too.

Do you know how often I get people telling me I am weird, odd, abnormal, for not wanting kids? How often I am made to feel that I really don't belong here because so much is geared round kids and parents?

SPB there are forum but the one dating site specifically for the childfree is pretty much a dead zone, sadly.

OP posts:

filee777 · 12/10/2013 23:39

I still think there are less people wanting to have kids in their 40s than in their 30s and, subsequently 20s.

I was just trying to be helpful sorry if it came across any other way.

It's worth remembering on a mental health board like this that the people replying tend to have their own issues going on and probably need a bit of sensitivity too perhaps.

Anyway, best of luck to you.

filee777 · 12/10/2013 23:40

Also, fwiw I don't think anyone has suggested that a man wil make you want to have kids, or that you are abnormal for not wanting kids.

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