Need advice, problem with me

[Mrswomanwithaproblem]

Briefly. All my life I have had a problem. I feel ok then I will react very Badly to a situation or comment and completely lose it, but internalise all the anger. I turn into this nasty, ridiculous passive-aggressive horror. I behave in the most ridiculous manner. His can last hours but more usually days and then wears off.

I then realise what i have done, how i have been. I am left absolutely hating myself and the way I acted although at the time it felt right.

I used to believe symbols and signs (eg if the next car to pass me is blue everything will be ok) had a total nervous breakdown 3 years ago when I saw myself for what I was. Saw all the ridiculous sign business for what it was. The thoughts never stopped coming into my mind though-I just try and ignore them now.

After being ill I thought at least I won't do this any more and yet I do. Got back on my feet and started a new job. Did my best to stop the crazy leaking out. Happened again on Friday and behaved badly at work. Probably in for a bollocking on Monday which I deserve. Hope that's all I get.

Why can't I think straight when I am feeing like that?
Have got a split personality?

Why do I do and say things in that state which I would never consider normal or acceptable behaviour when I have calmed down? I am appalled at myself.

I am becoming depressed about it because I can't bear myself and living like this for the rest of my life. Would stay away from people if I could but I need to support myself. Currently very anxious and feel like there is a weight on my chest all the time.

If I could understand myself I think it would help. I read self help books but don't see myself in any of them. I feel false and fake.

Thank you for reading this far and please tell me what you think.

Hi. I don't have any experience in any professional remit but I do struggle with mental health.

One thing that struck me about your post was about not fitting in a box. No I don't either. It's depressing in itself and can really relate!

All we want is to feel normal. That someone knows EXACTLY what we're on about. You're never going to exactly tick off symptoms and it's really hard to accept.

I suppose it's just you aren't happy - and you want to feel happy.

I hope someone is here soon to give you more practical advice. But know you're not alone in that posting here is such a help and has been a lifesaver for me at points. X

Thanks Milkhell. I found that post so difficult to write it left me shaking. I do not wish anyone else to feel this way but you are right, if someone knew what was the matter and could explain it to me I could handle it better.

Oh bless you.

I can relate to a lot of what you say - like the signs thing and anxiety.

None of what you say alarms me at all and that's for sure :-)

X x

I've also had a nervous breakdown and a few days ago had a weird emotional pain that I'd never had before it was awful and I almost popped some Nurofen as it felt so physical x

Hi

Did they give you a diagnosis when you broke down? I would call the signs/symbols thing a mental obsession or compulsion and I have had them all my life at times of stress especially. I call it OCD as that's the label I was given but lots of the self help stuff on that seems not 'me' either. I think it's hard for words in black and white to convey feelings.. words are inadequate really.

I think one thing I have learned is that for many of us, we take our dark sides and secrets very very seriously, as though everyone wasn't essentially awful from time to time.

Sounds to me you sometimes behave in ways you don't like like we all do but you believe your behaviour to be beyond the Pale, morally reprehensible, unforgivable, saying something heinous about your essential true self. Yet at the same time, I'm not hearing that you have beaten, raped or murdered anyone... I'm hearing that you have some poor learned responses to anger that maybe you need support with but which, from an outsider' s viewpoint, are not criminal, just imperfect. I'm imagining that growing up anger wasn't acceptable to express in your home.

Have you had any therapy?

Breakdown is an outmoded term isn't it? No one would put that label on it now but I know what you mean.

Agree with working re. OCD.

Yes it's not the common parlance . On the other hand it sure as hell felt something was broken and I think it conveys the seriousness of it better than people aka THAT type of patronising head-tilting professional saying things like 'when you were poorly'. I used to want to scream when anyone referred to it as being 'poorly', like I had a bit of a tummy bug or a chest infection.

Thanks Working. When I was really bad my gp said I had depression and anxiety and prescribed antidepressants which I could not bring myself to take. I was terrified of not being able to come off them and anyways I knew my problems would still be there if I ever did.

I relied on alcohol for a spell, not drinking massively, I would just have a drink when it got really bad. Don't drink anymore as even one makes me feel really ill so I've not got that now.

I had counselling but wasn't fully honest about the compulsions. I think it is OCD, never thought of that before but then this is the first time I've ever disclosed it anywhere.

Basically I'm terribly embarrassed and I have a morbid fear of that (just as strong as phobias in other people about spiders etc). I just keep going over and over incidents in my mind and I can't switch it off.

I can't tell you how much you two have helped me though. It feels like a great release to know someone understands x x

Very few people with mental compulsions tell anyone.

The average person with OCD will have it 15 to 20 years
Without seeking help and often only seek help when things are beyond dire.

Are you also maybe describing some social anxiety or do you have a specific other obsession you find hard to share?

I do have terrible social anxiety. I have no friends. The thought of socialising makes me feel extremely anxious. Given the choice I would never do it.

This is my only compulsion. These signs that I looked for that would mean everything would be ok. I remember they actually used to give me comfort.

Now I know they are ridiculous but those thoughts still come into my head all the time. I thought they would stop or lessen when i stopped believing them but depressingly, they persist. I even purposely contradict them sometimes out of exasperation but that feels ridiculous too.

I live in a permanent state of panic. It is a wearying and depressing way to live.

I can relate to some of these things, especially the social difficulties part, and to an extent, the OCD / "sign seeing" too.

I was diagnosed earlier this year (at 36!) with Aspergers, which can be co-morbid with OCD... Most people with High Functioning Autism have to learn social rules intellectually rather than instinctively, as "normal" people do. They then use these rules as a sort of "life script" to replicate socially normal behaviour on a day to day basis. The strain of having to maintain this facade, as well as dealing with the sensory overload common with autism, can cause exhaustion and / or meltdowns, as you describe.

Many autistic people have poor self-awareness and struggle to pinpoint what it is that is bothering them, until someone points it out to them.

I am not suggesting this is what you have, but perhaps take this test and see if it rings any bells.

www.channel4embarrassingillnesses.com/features/take-the-autism-test/

Whatever this turns out to be, a trip to the GP is definitely in order. And if that GP doesn't take you seriously, get another one!

Best wishes,

C

x

I understand constant anxiety and misery. Me too . It's no way to live x

Thanks Cailleach, I scored average in that test but thank you.

"The strain of having to maintain this facade" really struck home with me and actually made me cry...with relief I think - that is just how I feel all the time. I've not been in this job long but one of my colleagues is extremely astute. One day after I said something in work they said "ha ha you let your guard down a bit then" and I just froze. Went into panic mode which took me days to get over.

Just looked at the website for MIND - how to deal with anger and it describes EXACTLY what I do. When something really bothers me I don't express it. I bottle it up but it leaks out in other ways.

Milkhell thank you

X