WOW! Cobwebs cleared. I mean, I wish it were that easy as I got the pit of anxiety on the way home a little, and also hugely this morning. I just took myself back to the beach yesterday and it helped. I want to go again!
So. Due to my back problem, I have not been able to bodyboard or kayak or do real proper sea swimming for a long time (over two years, although dunk in the sea as much as I can). sicily yes I live near the sea, about 20 mins drive away from a beach, 5 mins or 15 mins walk to a harbour). It was rough out there! The sun was out, with a hint of grey in the distance, and the tide was turning, so the children could only be in it for a while as I couldn't hold them both. So, after they jumped and fell a few times they made sandcastles with daddy and I went out with the bodyboard and caught some waves out back! with the actual bodyboarders and surfers - 2-3ft waves! fucking awesome! At one point, the sun shone right in my face, bright autumn sun, as the surf died down a little and I bobbed with others a little out to sea, waiting for the next group of huge waves and I felt good for the first time in ages, I felt right again.
I think I now know part of the problem...I am doing nothing for me. I love my family very much, but there is nothing left for me, other than the gym, but that is more medicinal than anything (physio based) although I do enjoy it.
sicily my Gp, well both of them, are actually really good. I have gone through ups and downs and they were amazing, with my mum passing (a while ago now) they let me cry and talk, with my back problem over the last 2 years I have been in floods of tears, a lot and they have listened. And, funnily, talking here, it is helping, I don't feel like I am losing the plot so much now and it feels good to just get the words down.
And what films do I like? I am not even sure. I just don't enjoy television, films etc any more as I am always so tired and find it all a bit boring. I think I have sort of been forced into tv watching while having a bad back, it stopped being fun., But, I like psychological films, films with a twist, french romantic films, cult films that are not hollywoody. We didn't watch a film last night, we just watched tv, but we don't do that so often anymore, so we ate pizza and salad and drank some wine, after having a bubble bath.