DH having a mental breakdown - help!

[LolaPolykettle]

Hi All,

I have a thread running in the relationships forum about this but I think I could do with some advice from those who know more about mental illness. My husband and I have split up as a result of a short-lived online affair, he is having a breakdown and has had to have urgent mental health care. He basically feels like he no longer knows who he is, doesn't recognise himself, has been having very severe depressive episodes and a lot of very disturbing symptoms.

While he isn't using the mental illness as an excuse for his behaviour, the professionals he has seen have said that between the illness and poorly judged medication he was prescribed before the affair began have contributed to this extremely out-of-character behaviour. He says he knew right from wrong and feels like he has been a different person and it terrifies him. He is a wreck and has been holding it all in for a long time because he felt like if he let it out, it would take him over completely. Can anyone relate to this?

The orginal post is here...
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1867867-Am-I-doing-this-right-or-being-an-idiot?msgid=41930224#41930224

Any advice or perspective much appreciated, thanks in advance.

I didn't want to read and run OP. I've got bloody awful tooth ache at the min so can't think straight, but yes, i have stood in a similar place to where you are now and can totally relate to what you are feeling.

Hopefully someone who can string an intelligent sentence together will be along shortly, but in the meantime I will hold your hand

Distrustinggirlnow thanks and I really hope your toothache disappears - try cloves or clove oil, helps sometimes to numb things x

I know what he's going through. I've recently had a breakdown and it's very, very distressing. Think being in hell - that's where he is.

I don't really know what else to say. I went to see a psychiatrist (crisis team arranged it) but they didn't want to really - I was 'normal' as didn't want to throw myself off a building.

He said I didn't need pills which shocked me as I really felt at the end of my rope - and still do a lot of the time.

I'm not sure what the answer is other than time to process and deal with his feelings. The conclusion I've arrived at is no matter who you involve - counsellors, doctors, psychiatrists etc etc it's something only you yourself can sort with compassionate support from loved ones making things slightly more bearable.

Can you support him?

I'm so sorry you are both going through this, so hard. My dh has bipolar, recently diagnosed though we pretty much knew. What precipitated the diagnosis was a very sudden huge depression resulting in hospital admission and overdose attempt. We have been through the mill this summer, things are back on an even keel at the moment. Though our situation was not the same as yours I wanted to reply as something rang bells with me. When my husband is ill, he is in effect a different person. When well, he is not a deep thinker (he's the first to admit), he's cheery, calm, and doesn't worry. When ill he's anxious to the point of self harm, desperately sad and seeking answers to questions that he doesn't have (or remember) when well again. Truly in an awful place, and awful to see. What gets me through it (and helps me get him through) is separating his illness from his personality. They are not the same. He has huge huge guilt (when ill) for putting me through it and blames and hates himself. None if which is true or necessary.

What I'm trying to say in a very rambling way, is that I do believe that your husband's behaviour, if very out of character, could be a result of the illness rather than his well self. Only you know how you feel, and i would say get yourself some support to help you support him, if that's what you choose to do. i wish you both the very best. X

Snipface thanks, this is the kind of insight I need. He may be bipolar and I guess I know about the illness in a medical way, but I have no idea how much it can really affect the behaviour. If he isn't bipolar, I know that severe depression can completely alter the behaviour too. It is impossible to tell how much of this is illness and how much is just him. That is what is so hard.

Op too tired to respond now but will pm you in the morning.

do you feel you can be there for him?if not does he ahve anyone else?
has he been to the docotrs and is getting help with his needs.
mental health the cure i believe is support,in whatever form that comes it needs uspport.
the feeling of out of control and being alone is the scariest thing ever.if you dont feel you can be there for him anymore then there needs to be someone.
this isnt your fault or his fault.these things happen,sadly.
what happens next is help.becasue as much as depressio nand mental health can be heartwrecnhing it can also be either fully recovered from or learnt to dealt with and very much a illness you can cope with.that is with help,tehcniques,someimtes meidcation.
takce care.

Op, just to echo what some others have said, perhaps for now focus on your dh becoming well, before making any big decisions on your marriage - don't try to climb two mountains at once, iykwim. Your head must be all over the place, and you have dc to look after. Take it one day at a time & try not to look too far into the future until things are calmer.
Thinking of you

Yes, I can support him to an extent, because I couldn't live with myself if I abandoned him when he needs me most. We are having space from one another but he knows I am here to talk at any time. He is with his parents who are very supportive.

I agree that the focus need to be on him getting well, and when he is well enough, then we can look to the future and perhaps have counselling to see if we can make the marriage work.