Suicide, poss triggering.

[CyanCloud]

Is it ever ok? I mean, understandable?

I live alone. No friends. No-one I see in day to day life. No-one would desperately miss me, so that's that sorted. I know I shouldn't be posting on here since I don't have children here, feel free to ignore.

I have no prospects, nothing in the future to look forward to.

I've self harmed for years, had crippling anxiety for so long, and I've just had enough. I can't count the number of suicide attempts I've made, always think just one more would work. Never does.

I can't phone anyone, no support, nothing to do. Always depressed but sometimes there are points that are so much lower than others, they'll pass but what to do in the meantime except pray to die. I feel so wrong, I don't fit anywhere.
Gah, ignore. I'll delete when I'm more rational.

I don't think most people with a heart would judge someone who chose to end their life, because it's such a personal thing. But IMO it's never the answer. It might literally remove the problems someone is experiencing in their life, but it removes all possibility of things ever getting better, too.

Sorry you are feeling like this. It's late so I didn't want to read your post without replying. Are you thinking of attempting suicide?

Did not want to read and run.

Another late owl who cant sleep.

Please don't do anything hasty.

Im sorry you feel so bad.

There were times in my teens and in uni pre kids and husband that I was in very dark depths of despair and depression.

I had 1 failed attempt at 14 overdosed but was sick straight away no one knew but mum and her boyfriend they just covered it up as was sick so no harm done.

Mum used to say teenagers don;t get depressed.

I have had mixture of things.

Mostly eating disorders.

but during uni started self harming cutting myself.
Took so many drugs one night dident think was going to wake up that really scared me into seeking help.

I went to gp who was bit of a tosser.

as in anti ds, tranquilisers.
got counselling through uni.

slowly day by day black clouds lifted.
felt stronger

Try seek help no one will judge.

You could have such a bright happy future ahead of you dont waste that.

I never thought i would have such a lovely family.

makes me feel guilty for eating disorder relapse now.

One of my best mates killed herself at 21.
None of us ever really get over that I see the sadness in her mothers eyes and i think about my friend a lot and feel very sad.

I think the removal of all possibility would be a welcome one, currently.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't thinking of suicide, to be honest. I've attempted so many times. I would like to be dead, or to just be someone else entirely.

Thank you, for replying. I didn't expect anyone to be up at this time. I'm just rambling away nonsensically.

Losing someone to suicide is hard, 3asabird. I'm sorry you went through that. I lost a friend to suicide when I was younger as well.

Please don't feel guilty for relapsing. An ED is so hard to conquer, and actively working on it is the only thing you can do.

I don't have a future. There are too many things working against me.

No worries.

Hope you feeling little better and bit less alone.

I think we all have days weeks where we wish we were someone else.

I know i felt like that way over past few weeks but then I look at their smiley little innocent faces and tell myself I need to keep it together.

Try get some sleep, take one day a time.

Like I say life can change been so many twists and turns over my life like to say feel old and wise now in my 30,s but not really.

A line from a film sticks with me its old 80,s film parenthood with Steve Martin. Where the granny says life is like roller coaster it can be thrilling, exiting so many things where as on the merry go round you just go round same old same old.

Things will get better may not seem that way.

Ask yourself whats your ideal life what would make you happy.
Then work out a way to aim for that.

May include seeking help as you sounds depressed.

Cyan -you can believe me I had the most shitty upbringing but came out the other side god knows how.

I know I am not perfect I admit I have my issues which im trying to deal with.

life is full of endless possibilities and routes.

So recharge your batteries and try and build a future that may make you happy.

I know its hard I do remember how alone i felt, the dark thoughts, hitting rock bottom.But once i was on some medication day by day get a bot stronger, bit braver.

Also counselling may hepl their may be some underlying issues holding you back.

I did counselling twice

once at 18 when brother died.I don't remember much was in such a dark place we discussed lots from childhood.

Then at 21 final year uni when my eating disorders, self hard, depression and drug taking was at its worst.

The only way for me to have my ideal life, is to erase the last 10 years. I know that can't happen though.

I can't do therapy/counselling again. Anxiety is so high I can't leave the house. Nothing helps.

I just want to close my eyes and never wake up. Sorry, I'm being a pathetic idiot. I'm going to ask to remove this thread, it's just self-indulgent drivel.

Loads of posters don't have children it can be really helpful to get the perspective of someone who hasn't when you're bogged down in small children shit

I have to disagree with you, you're not a pathetic idiot, or self indulgent.

Your illness is making you feel like this.

I go out of my way to not see other people, but I feel better for it (even though like you I feel like I don't fit in anywhere), if the isolation is making you feel as though you're in a void and nobody cares, then it's not for you.

What kinds of things in the past have made you feel secure?

Are there any times where you feel relatively 'less bad'?