Return to work disaster, didn't go to therapy, Dr thinks I'm useless, etc (potential SI trigger)

[Feelingscrewedup]

This is just another of my pointless posts.
So, I've ended up signed off work completely again, only for a week this time. I want to go back in a week and it all be okay. My boss ignored my text to tell her I'm signed off again. :-/

I recently went back on phased return after 3 months off with panic disorder which has also caused relapse of eating disorder. Return to work was going okay-ish until last week I nearly had another panic attack there. Took diazepam discreetly but it knocked me out couldn't concentrate or anything.

Next day just couldn't face it, cut myself on the way in (not badly, all I had to hand was snapped diazepam wrapper, how pathetic!). Day after again hacked at my arms before work, left the room several times to SI (not badly) again in the loos.

Day after is today, went to GP to get more diazepam and he signed me off for a week. Said he is worried, doesn't think I am facing things, need to 'stop squirming', I am ruining my career, etc, why thanks for the lecture.

I also cancelled my therapy, it was my first appointment finally and I stupidly freaked out because I thought someone I know might work there (it is very possible not an entirely paranoid thought).

So I have one week to gain some kind of improvement that didn't happen in 3 months off. I need some kind of switch, need to get the hell out of this trap. Am now so angry at myself not going to therapy, that was stupid. Still can't cope with food, still feel on the verge of a panic attack, need to change all of this, I have been fine in the past, I can do this surely???

Sorry to hear sounds like you are having a really tough time. I think you need to rearrange that appointment asap and take it from there. GP sounds like they weren't particularly sympathetic which is why you need a counselling professional. Please take this first step and call them on Monday to get booked in.

I think therapy would really help, would you consider another appointment?

You can do it and support with help you to recover more quickly.

Can you identify what it is about work that makes you so anxious? You could then work on that in therapy.

Why are you so worried about someone from work knowing that you have an appointment for therapy?

I am going to ask on Monday for a new appointment at another location where I don't think this person works. It is not someone from work knowing about it, I think they have probably seen enough to know I need therapy now embarrassing. It is someone I know in other ways, (don't want to say how as paranoid about outing myself) who I think works there.

I'm really struggling :( Every day inspired from reading about parents dealing with children with EDs I try and create a plan for what I will eat for recovery. Every day I fail for the plan to ever be over 1400 calories, if it goes over I freak out. Every day if I deviate from the plan I purge, I am not the real me I don't think when that happens. I am scared for my body but petrified of getting fat and facing people seeing me. I want someone to take control for me but there is nobody to do that. I want to enjoy nice food and not need to purge, I want to bake and taste and enjoy, and occasionally pig out but that is okay, I want a lovely Christmas this year of food and love, instead I am stuck, completely and totally. I am so fed up with this, I can't continue like it but I can't stop either. It will probably be months before I get a new therapy appointment now I am such an idiot. I don't feel alive :(

You need to feel comfortable about confidentiality and if there is a chance going to one building will make you feel less secure and able to use appointments it sounds wise to ask for an appointment elsewhere. Lots of places offer counselling so could you seek private help short term till NHS care is sorted as an option?

Also there are service user led or voluntary led eating disorder charity groups around here, can you look for things like that.

I know little about ED's but you show insight in your post about what you need to do. The thought of being rescued and helped by professionals is what I had til I realised that is not the role of a and e, counsellors or anyone, what I needed was the tools to do it myself which is hopefully what a therapy assessment and a set of appointment can give.

Thank you Hoop - you are totally right about the 'rescuing' needing to be done by me. I don't know why I can't do it this time though :(

Because it is hard!!! And takes practice. The good thing though is you re still well enough to have enough insight into what you need to do. So want could you do this week to help you, as you matter?

Okay, so the plan is - keep trying to increase calories at least to 1500 which isn't too awful either way? A reasonable compromise or something. I am having a tooth out the middle of next week (thanks purging for that) so that might throw things a bit but hopefully not.
Wear an elastic band at all times to snap when I get into negative thoughts to remind myself to pull myself out of them.
Make my table nice! I have realised that at the moment my table reflects how I feel about eating - it is totally encroached upon by all the other aspects of life, work stuff, kid's homework, bills and letters. Need to make that a nice space.
Make my bedroom better - again this is chaotic and unpleasant to be in, sleep is one of my main issues, I really need to work on making my bedroom a nice space. Even before all this got bad since I have been living here I have been sleepwalking really badly, and waking up in total terror.
Umm, nothing massive really that is going to make me 'better' but hopefully maybe in a somewhat improved frame of mind, maybe!

Sounds some realistic and helpful goals. Hope they help.