I felt like my life was ruined from an early age..... so.....

[superstarheartbreaker]

How doni gain something pisitive from this and tryto make something of the rest of my life? Abuse related. All I know Iis that I cant live the life I wanted unless I get heop.x

I was once taught (based on a psychologist named Ellis) that two different people can go through the same trauma, and it affects them differently. One example given was that two girls are abused and one can't get over it, so can't get a job, or a relationship, and ends up alone and miserable, whereas the other girl trains in a job to help abused girls get counselling, fundraises for charity, gets married and has kids, works at a soup kitchen every Christmas ... You get the picture.

The difference, it seemed, was whether each person entertains certain thoughts in response to what happens to them. Apparently, if you hold onto thoughts of; "I can't" or "it shouldn't" or "it ought" (to be different), then you will not come out of it too well.

Another example given was two people at a train station. The announcement is made that the train will be late, and one person thinks "oh that's not what I wanted, but I will grab a coffee and a paper and make the most of a bit of time to chill". The other person panics "oh no! I will be late! I CAN'T be late! I really OUGHT to be on time! The train SHOULD be here at the right time!

Who is going to come out best here? So the way you VIEW what happens to you makes a huge difference in your survival. And you can change how you view things.

A person can be late for work. A train can be late. If you think of the "cant's" "oughts" and "shoulds", you won't settle back and read the paper with a coffee as you wait for the train.

The same thing happens to both people but one gets out of it a mangled ball of stress for the rest of the day, and the other a chilled, relaxed person who was a bit late for work through no fault of their own, forgets the inconvenience before lunchtime.

They both have a choice with how they learn to view it.

So do you.

It doesn't stop abuse happening, and it doesn't belittle the trauma people to through, but it does help to move on and get through things that you may think SHOULD have been different.

Can I suggest you self refer (or ask a gp to refer you) for cbt? That may help you learn good coping strategies for survival.

I really wish you all the best

Thanks for the help and sorry for typos. Was tired and on phone.vit is perspective I guess.

I would have a talk with your GP and see what he says.

Ah - not devaluing your experiences,, but glad if you can see you don't always need to be a prisoner to your past!

I love your post laughingeyes.

Thanks! It really made sense to me when I heard it

It does depend on the nature of the abuse.

If you are repeatedly told, from an early age, you are stupid, worthless, ugly, fat, no one likes you (no wonder you've got no friends) no one will ever like you - you believe it. It sinks in. It gets under your skin to a place where you can't always see it but it sits there festering and spreading and making you feel contaminated and dirty.

I managed to get mine out but you know it had dug very deep and it's left a hell of a scar.

It's a lovely post and a lovely idea that you can just think differently but it isn't always possible or practical. I desperately want to be liked and accepted and if I feel I am not it hurts a lot. That's from childhood. I probably look pretty successful on the upside but while I don't believe, any more, I am the things I was told like I say they have left a scar, a really big noticeable one, and it isn't just going to go away.

Sometimes I do feel as if my life is ruined, and in some ways it is as I'm never going to live a 'normal'life, the one I wanted, and that does make me sad. I'm also sad I missed out on my adolescence and youth completely, where others were going out having fun I hid away as I didn't know what else to do. Some days I am really positive and make the best of things, other days I just want to die and wish I had the courage to do so.

If only it was as simple as laughingeyes2013 suggests!

Also, the example is abit misleading: "One example given was that two girls are abused and one can't get over it, so can't get a job, or a relationship, and ends up alone and miserable, whereas the other girl trains in a job to help abused girls get counselling, fundraises for charity, gets married and has kids, works at a soup kitchen every Christmas ..."

The second girl may have helped others, done lots of good work etc but that doesn't mean she is happy in her outwardly successful life. Quite a lot of abuse survivors are highly functioning in their outward life but is their self-image and inner life that is so damaged.

As a survivor myself I do think that positive attitude can help but it isn't anywhere near as simple as that to heal. There are likely to be layers and layers of beliefs/ ways of being in the world/ with others that need attention. Lots of mourning to do, shame to understand, anger to express, sense of safety to find etc.

That said, I do believe that you deserve to feel happy immediately, OP, without the "hard work" of counselling/ healing but, in my experience, it is quite a long road and you will need some help either from a spiritual guide, a counsellor and/or really sound friends/ partner along the way (as you would with any other major loss).

I think the (valid) point Ellis was making in the examples was that not everyone who is abused lives a life of agony afterwards forever. It really isn't a life sentence.

I am also one who speaks from experience here!

Yes of course there is a period of mourning the loss of childhood, of innocence, of safety and security, of a sense of value and confidence, and of relationships that you wanted to be so different, but a person really does by have to be locked in that zone forever. That is the point.

Sometimes the best solutions in this complicated life are the simplest ones. I wasn't saying it is the only way forward - just that its one that really makes sense to me and can help make a huge difference.

Maybe don't knock it til you've really tried it