Feel really rubbish

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Basically, today I have just felt massively crap. I am in the midst of some turmoil with family issues (I have posted before about my relationship with my toxic mother, how I have had enough of her and decided to cut contact, but she decided to turn up unannounced anyway). It has made me feel so powerless, frustrated, fearful and angry. When I had confronted her a few weeks ago, I felt so empowered and in control, now I just feel like she has pulled the rug from beneath me feet.

Today, I managed to get out of the house - first to a meditation class and then to a play at my local theatre. These are rare opportunities for me as I am a single mum to a 2 year old DD, but she has been with her Dad today and tonight.

After the meditation, I felt so raw and emotional. The theatre was OK but I was so in my head that I could not really concentrate.

I just keep thinking horrible thoughts. I keep running over arguments that I want to have with my mum. I feel like the world is against me, everyone hates me, that I am just a horrible person. I have these thoughts where I tell people who have upset me in the past exactly what I think of them but then feel ashamed that I could be so rude and nasty (even though logically I should know that i have never said these things, nor am I likely too).

I do have good friends who are supportive but my closest friend is currently having a bit of a shitty day herself so I have been supporting her and don't want to burden her with my problems too (she kind of got there first if you will) so I am on MN to have a moan and a whinge and generally to vent.

Thanks for reading.

Oh, that sounds really tough. I'm sure you are already aware of it but have you been on the Stately Homes thread? Also, what books do you have to help you deal with your mother and set boundaries etc?

I have done a lot of reading on this myself! It is hard. Nothing specifically helpful to add except that I understand. It can get better I promise. Stay strong (cheesy I know ), you're far from alone.

Thanks for your reply Naice. I have been reading Susan Forward's Toxic Parents book and have also been receiving counselling for almost a year. Both have cemented my view that both my parents have and continue to be very toxic and abusive. The really frustrating thing with my mum is that she just does not respect, understand or listen to my boundaries. I have told her repeatedly how her behaviour affects me so negatively, but she just won't listen. So I have had enough and have cut down contact. Today has not been much better. I managed to go out today but I just felt so anxious, foggy, bad tempered, paranoid, irritable etc. It comes from a sense of powerlessness that I have had my whole life. It is fear of not being heard or respected.

I am listening too if you want to talk and vent some more. I dont have personal experiece though.

You're welcome! Yes I read that book and was in pieces for months, just floored me as I suddenly realised.....everything! All at once! It's a lot. But it helped me to do what I needed to do and finally understand a lot of things. It's not surprising you are feeling a bit raw! Other books I have found helpful (not quite as much of a sledgehammer as Toxic Parents)

Will I Ever Be Good Enough

An Adult Child's Guide To What's Normal

this is the precursor to the one above but I'm reading it next, Secrets of Dysfunctional Families

There are many many books which will help you I am sure, the first one above is specifically helpful for daughters of toxic mothers whilst the second one is more help once you've moved past that initial raw stage. Which you will, I promise! I'm sure it doesn't feel like it, but if you can keep your nerve, look after yourself as well as you can and commit to educating yourself thoroughly on this subject then you will be surprised how different you feel in a year's time.

Also, I would recommend reading something on assertiveness as it will help you to politely but firmly tell your mother than it is inappropriate for to keep on turning up after you've asked her not to.

Sorry if I'm stating the bleeding obvious/being patronising etc, don't mean to, just that it sounds like I'm just a little further down the very same road as you! It's worth it.