Firstly I know this isn't a proper MH problem and I am sorry for those who have real issues and I am not trying to be over dramatic or compare myself to those with real problems, I just don't know where to put this or where to go in real life for support.
some background: I have a lovely baby dd and lovely dp. I am very grateful for them and I know how lucky I am to have them both. I am just finding it hard to cope right now. I suppose this all started before my dd was born, when I was younger (maybe about 8-10 years old) I would sometimes feel very overwhelmed and helpless sometimes I would feel absolutely fine for days or even months then suddenly these feelings would creep up and I would just cry for days and would withdraw from friends and family, sometimes I would cut myself. when I was in my teenage years I became obsessed with my weight and appearance and would starve myself for days, eventually people started to notice that I didn't eat so I rationed my food daily, I would split my food into "items" and allow 5 "items" a day (eg: 1 piece of bread was 1 item, 1 piece of ham was 1 item so 1 ham sandwich was 3 items). I still cut myself and withdrew from people in a more frequent way. The food thing stopped during university but I still had up and down days and began drinking a lot.
More recently: when I became pregnant with dd I was so happy. Up until just before my 12 week scan when I started feeling very detached from the situation, almost stopped caring about it completely and even contemplated suicide. This got steadily worse until around the 6th month of pregnancy when I broke down and confessed to my dp that I hated the baby and wanted to give it away because I couldn't be mother if I didn't feel any connection to her when she was inside me, how would I love her when she was here? He convinced me it would be ok and once she came along it was. I was so happy again and although I didn't feel a rush of love straight away my dp assured me that it would come.
Now I love her so much I could never be without her. But over the last few months I have found it very difficult to focus my thoughts and get frustrated very quickly, sometimes I can't even speak, I can see the words in my head I just can't get them out. I have felt so hopeless when dd is fussy and tantruming. she is very clingy to me in particular and I can't understand why she loves me so much when I feel like I can't do anything for her. I have started cutting myself again when I get angry with little things (housework, baby screaming, being fat, not having any clean socks) I love my family dearly but I feel like they would be better without my negative outbursts in their lives. Sometimes I get so sad I just want to disappear, I can't leave my family as I can't live without them. I feel like there is only one way out, but I worry how my dp would cope as a single parent.
Realistically I know that I want to get better, not end it all. But I don't know where to turn for help and in my quiet moments I feel very alone and dark thoughts creep up on me and in that moment I really have to fight against my feelings to kill myself.
Im sorry this is so long, once I started I found it hard to stop myself. I never told anybody this stuff but I felt safe as know one here really knows who I am.