Can't believe I'm back in this bulimia rubbish

[Feelingscrewedup]

...or maybe I don't think it is rubbish because when I am binging I am literally loving it, until I start to feel soooo stuffed I can't move, and knowing what I am going to have to do, and that purging can kill me, and my kids could find me dead, but I can't stop it. And then thinking about all the money and food I have wasted.

Getting loads of weight loss comments, I keep kind of dying of embarrassment and claiming to be going to the gym - like I would have the energy for that. Amazed I have lost weight actually, must have this purging well honed now, I always used to gain in my previous bulimic phases (16 years of this on and off).

Thought I was well recovered - well that was stupid of me, I always think that when I am doing okay and I always relapse. Am also rather liking feeling detached and floaty, suits me perfectly right now. And according to my bloods I only have a 'few things a bit out' they are not worried, I am not anorexic and my heart trace was fine, just a gross bulimic so no-one cares, and apparently I can't hope to be recovered really (how stupid of me to bother talking to my GP). Nobody cares, got occy health at work next week just to be patronised and spoken to like I am 12.

Idk what the point is of this rant, I guess I am bored of this and want to lie here helplessly and be saved and have everything made okay. Slightly hallucinating about food right now while feeling sick after b/p'ing repulsive amounts of chocolate. Want to crawl into a hole and stay there.

Just wanted to say I care. I'm sure your kids care too. I am so sorry you are unwell and I hope things get better for you soon.

Thanks

I care and I don't think you are gross, but you sound really poorly right now :(

Is it possible to speak to another GP? There is help out there and it sounds like you need it, but to start with, you need a sympathetic GP, as yours sounds like a bit of a knob (sorry!!)

In the meantime and I guess you might be aware of them, but the b-eat website is a very good resource for advice and support

I have seen a variety of GPs, I was kind of reluctant to go with this one, being a man, he is okay, but yeah maybe I should try and see another one. The really nice one that I was seeing a few months ago has gone on maternity leave so that screwed things up for me a bit.

I probably should have a look on B-eat, I have known of it before, also We Bite Back, but that is mostly a forum and quite cliquey, although can be supportive all the same.

Got Occupational Health this morning, feel absolutely sick thinking about it :-/ But yesterday was better than the day I started this thread which was a bit of a day of despair! Managed not to purge and ate 1350 calories without too much anguish!

Good luck for your OH appointment. Glad things are a little bit better for you.

Thanks. Went through the appointment being all honest-yet-wanting-to-change, even left feeling somewhat honestly positive. Get home, make dinner - eat - purge. I literally can't stand eating over 1350 calories a day. Once it gets to 1400 I just think I'm going to start gaining even though I know that is not the case. At my appointment she said she can see I've lost weight and that was weird, being bulimic weight loss doesn't always actually happen. My size 12 clothes are very loose, need belts and generally don't fit but I feel no different to when I was a size 14/16. I can feel bones and stuff, but see no visible difference which makes me worry about how fat I really was and maybe I didn't realise. I need this to stop :-/

It's good that you are being honest and want to change your behaviour. That is the first step. 1350 calories is very little. I understand you are terrified of going over that but you don't want to go into starvation mode or risk your health any more from purging.

Logically you know you are not fat and you are 'seeing' things wrong. Trust the logical part of your brain if you can rather than the emotional bit. You have got better before. You can do this.

I second what Millie says about seeing a different GP if your current one is unsympathetic. You can even change practices if you want to.

Do you have an ED unit nearby? I know that ED services are scant at best in many areas, but I do think that this justifies a referral for an assessment, at the very least.

OP, I hope you are in a better place today.
Where does the feeling of emptiness come from which you try (and try, and try again) to fill with food? (before you throw it up again)

Of course you can recover from this. You've been better before, you know you can get there again.
Have you had proper therapy?

There is an ED unit nearby but the gp didn't want to refer me. He thinks as I already have a referral with the depression and anxiety service that it would be a good idea to leave it with that. I am finally starting cbt with them 4 months after my referral!

Regarding where the emptiness comes from - well I thought I had that all covered in previous counselling and maybe I have and it is just such a habit that I have slipped into from having panic attacks (and where they came from I don't know really either!).