Intrusive thoughts, anxiety or something else?

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I was wondering if anybody had experienced what I'm going through, it's been happening for quite some time.

I'm generally a happy, positive person, the sort of person who wakes up in the morning and cant believe how lucky they are. I function well considering everything and I do work/commute long hours.

However, I have a terrible problem where I often dwell upon awful things that have happened to others and I feel terribly down. Once I've started I feel compelled to think about it and I get very upset. I stopped watching the news or reading newspapers as I would spend hours on end imagining the horrible abuse cases I was reading.
I think it began when I was post-partum with my son 6 years ago. I actually went to the GP as I had a horrific recurring imagination that DH would murder baby DS and I was terribly anxious and sleep deprived. He did suggest anti-Ds but I declined as I cannot take them in my job and I'm the main breadwinner. I did pay for counselling around this time but I don't think I had the right counsellor as I didn't feel the benefit and it was so expensive.

I feel like I'm tip-toeing around a black hole and then something like a newspaper headline will trigger me and i fall in, and I cannot for the life of me stop imagining these horrific thoughts.

I work alone, often at night, and in a monotonous job which does not help. I cry a lot at work on a bad day.

I have a very supportive and loving DH who responds well when I'm down and I am lucky I can turn to him, but I do wonder what is happening inside my head. I'd do anything to be able to brush these thoughts aside.

As a child I had a very sad alcoholic dad (he's not a bad man, he was beaten as a child and has had a hard life) and he attempted suicide a few times, one of these times as a 17 year old I came home to find him collapsed having overdosed and had to call an ambulance for him. I never had counselling or anything for this. My parents had a very acrimonious divorce shortly after and I have huge issues surrounding this (my DH and I eloped purely because I couldn't bear my parents to be in a room together).

I have a good relationship with my parents now (separately) although my dad lives a life of chronic pain and has made further suicide attempts since I've been an adult.

My DH has had his own issues with a previous relationship and we've been through a lot together. In the past I've self harmed, and I do regularly find myself turning to alcohol. There's lots else to mention but I'd be here forever!

I feel a compulsion to help others 'to put things right in the world'. I spend longer choosing things for the food bank than I do for my family and I adopt cats etc as I feel I have to restore balance. I've also got a serious and irrational fear of driving a car which I feel is linked to my vivid imagination of bad things happening.

Other than that, I appear completely happy, strong and in control!

Any ideas?
Thank you x

I think you've very eloquently described what you're going through (anxious intrusive thoughts) and precisely what has contributed to you having them.
I think it's perfectly understandable that you have the thoughts you have and it would be odder if you were completely mentally unscathed by your childhood/teenage experiences.

As to where you go from here: that's up to you.
I found cbt books(just put it into amazon) very helpful with my anxious thought patterns. I also found ads very good when I was in too anxious a state to function- cheered me up enough to be able to work through stuff. However, I needed the talking therapy, the talking through of stuff that had happened, to underpin the training myself out of the negative thoughts/medication.
I got counselling through my gp twice... I am quite persistent, tearful, detailed about my hideous thoughts and specific about what I need when I go to my gp though.

Good luck.

Defineme - thank you.
I have just released a huge, relieved and pent-up breath of air because I just don't know anybody (outside my marriage) that really understands this.

Are there any books in particular you might recommend for me to start off with? I definitely need to avoid ads if possible because of work but could possibly explore CBT.

'Mind over Mood: change your mood by changing the way you think.'

It's still on Amazon and I liked it because it is incredibly practical-it's a work book and you go through it step by step, day by day. It's a little cheesy, but it's American!

FWIW I know 2 teachers and a GP all doing their jobs very professionally/driving/etc whilst taking anti depressants-just look on it as a short term thing to keep your head above water whilst you sort stuff out. Or have you taken them before and had side effects?

Anti depressants just not ok at work unfortunately, without outing myself it is driving/operating heavy machinery and it just would cause massive problems.

I'm going to try the book to start with! I'm more than open to self-help and without books etc I would not have gotten this far in realising there's a problem.

I think I'm seeing myself as the victim, but in all these other situations. Or something similar to that.