Not sure were to start with this just need some advice as feel I have no one else to turn to.
So much is happening in my life at the moment and will try and keep it brief.
I have 2 children,dd is 3 and ds is 4.
Suffered PND with my second child and had problems with panic attacks.
My ds has speech problems and selective mutism.
Am feeling under pressure at the moment from the pre school to leave dd as I am still staying with her at her 2 pre school sessions a week but they want me to start leaving her which I feel she is not ready for yet.
I am working through my anxiety problms but still find it a struggle everyday just to take ds to school.
My dh has always been a "social drinker" as he would call it but the last couple of years it has gotton worse.He goes to the pub most nights after work and I never know what time he will be home,how drunk he will be and to make it even more frustrating he never answers his phone and says he leaves it in the car.I have put up with this for so long now it has become normal for me.
Only just latley I am finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the children and feel I am handling all the pressure on my own.
Just tonight he came back from work early and took money from my purse went out to the shops for something and came back 5 hours later drunk and just staggered up to bed.
Money is really tight at the moment and I can't believe he just wasted money like that.
He is never physically abusive but mentally abusive aned some of the things he has said in the past I don't know if I can forgive.Referring to my PND he said i was mad for a couple of years and he would get me sectioned.
When he does come home at a reasonble time he talks to the children fine and is a great dad but when I just ask him anything his tone changes and most of the time he just ignores me.
I am at the stage now where I feel so angry and tonight when he came home and staggered upstairs I found myself thinking I wish he would fall down the satirs and then maybe if he was hurt his parents would find out and sdupport me with this and make him see sense.
I am close to my niece and sister whomI talk to but only tell them half the story and feel I am bored with this they must be too.
My parents died a few years ago and my brother died of alcoholism ,so his drinking is a constant reminder of this.
My life day to day is just struggling to overcome my panic atacks,be a good mother and trying to cope with 2 children as best I can.
Not knowing day to day when dh will be home,when to get a meal ready for.It is so unsettling for the children now they are getting older and wanting to know when daddy is coming home,it breaks my heart.I am sure that is why they play me up at mealtimes and bedtimes as I try not to show I am not coping but they must sense that I am not.
I have been in floods of tears and told dh I can't go on like this for much longer and feel I am dealing with everything on my own.I need his support.But he just sees me as over reacting and tells me in a nasty way if you can't cope go and lie down for a bit and he will look after the children.Like I don't.
Sory if this is all over the place but that's how I am feeling at the moment and feel there is no way out of this unless he stops drinking.I have told him before I would leave to which he said tomorrow would be a good day!
But he knows I have nowhere to go so I am trapped.