How do you protect other people from your depression?

[RedTree]

I live with my mum and I hate how much I upset her. I've been depressed for years and I'm unlikely to improve much any time soon. I've considered moving out but it'd be financially difficult. Is there anything I can do to make things easier for her?

Hi redtree.

Does your mum worry about you a lot? Do you feel the need to reassure her? And do you have others to talk to about your depression?

I have periods of depression, which is managed through setraline. I have had years of counselling and cbt but have recently stopped due to finances. I feel similarly about my dp who I live with, I often feel a burden and that I put a lot on him being depressed.

What helps me come to terms with this is that I constantly remind myself that this is my journey and he can't save or fix me (at times I can fall prey to co-dependency / needing to be rescued) if I mentally imagine that I don't hold him responsible, and don't expect him to make it go away, it takes the pressure off.

Also, I admit I don't show him all of it.. Which is where counselling was very useful.

Sorry if that is completely irrelevant to you and not useful!

You sound very kind to care

How do you know your depression upsets your mum? Does she tell you? Cry? Avoid you?

One if the biggest burdens for those with depression is carrying other people's negative feelings about it.

Tell us more about how her upset manifests itself.

And in the meantime, remember that you will be ok and you can only ever influence your own feelings and actions. Your mum is an adult and, if she's got enough understanding if depression, she will be able to talk to you to help formulate some coping strategies that work for both of you.

Thank you both.

It's mostly when I'm visibly upset/crying, she gets stressed and upset, and sometimes she worries about leaving me alone - I've been suicidal in the past. She tells me not to worry about upsetting her, but I can't not. If I can't achieve anything I should at least not be hurting the people supporting me.

Of course there's also plenty on the internet (not least on MN) about how hard it is living with a depressive.

Maybe have an open and frank chat with her?
Tell her it must be difficult to see u upset and as a mother she must want to take your pain away, but that it actually isn't very helpful for either of you. And that you need her to trust that you are an adult and take responsibility of your feelings.

There is probably some transference of helplessness going on, and discussing mindfulness of this would be a good thing.