Feeling like piece of crap

[oxoxoxocube]

That's it basically. If it wasn't for ds I would stay in bed all day- never get up. I have nothing positive to look forward to. Ds is being a handful and I feel like it's my fault, while simultaneously resenting him. He has his good moments, but I can't enjoy them. I just want each day to end so I can watch telly and go to bed. Dh is a great help, but is having a hard time getting work done, because he is spending time with ds, so I can "rest".

Money wise our situation is very unstable and we might have to move countries at the end of the year. All this uncertainty is driving me nuts. I have resorted to cutting my own hair to save money. It's now very short, which would be fine otherwise, but I've also developed acne rosacea, which the current antibiotics I'm on are not shifting. I look about as shit as I feel. Wish I had some sleeping pills.

Dh is taking ds on a trip on his own to see friends in Devon. I've never been apart from ds in all the 4 years of his life. I worry that dh is not going to be able to handle him and ds is going to return with all sorts of good work we have done in the past to sleep independently simply undone. I know I'm nuts to worry, but sleep deprivation would finish me off right now. Also, friends are going to wonder why I didn't come along. I'm so embarrassed about the state I'm in.

I don't really know what to do. Even if I did, I just don't want to do anything anymore. It feels like I'm a robotic empty shell. I've got close to 0 energy and drive. 20mg citalopram a day isn't really doing it for me, but what I wish the gp could give me is something to sort of sedate me, so I wouldn't feel. I would just get on with things like normal people.

Sorry about long, rambling post. Had to sort of put this all out there before I change my mind.

Oh dear oxo. Sounds like you're having a really shit time. UnMN hugs

I think the first thing you should do is see your GP about increasing your meds. 20mg citalopram is fairly low - I'm on 40 and have been on 50 previously. It doesn't sound like they are working at that level.

I sympathise with your money problems and feeling anxious about your appearance. I get psoriasis on my face and when I was very depressed I used to feel sorry for people that had to look at me. The cruel thing is it was triggered by anxiety so was always at its worse when I felt at my worst.

I have been where you are; not wanting to get out of bed and wishing you could take something to knock you out. It does get better, even though it feels like you're stuck and things will never change.

How long have you been on citalopram for?

Thanks, socks! It's awful when you think that you look as monstrous as you feel.. I've been on citalopram for around 4 years now. I will try and get an appointment with gp soonish. Something needs to happen.

Agree that you should see the GP, but best to see him as soon as you can.
There has also been a thread on MH board, but may have been chat about things non medical that may help too. If you havent seen it, I will try and link it for you.

Thanks Havea0! Can't actually picture myself mustering up the energy to do anything to help myself. I know how shit it sounds, but I get up and get dressed every day. I even do some chores and play with ds, the spend time on the internet and watch telly. That is about as much as I can/want to do..

Will try get an appointment sometime next week.