When it's hard, too hard

[CitrusSun]

Because depression takes everything away, it hurts and all you want is to be the person you used to be. Isolation and never feeling right. There may be times of respite, but it never really leaves you, can't be cured. I would give anything not to be afflicted with this, not sorry for myself, just wish it wasn't part of me, every aspect of life is affected by this illness. You look at people who appear normal, think they can't have depression, want to be more like them, they can function in a natural way. Knowing that everything you do is a struggle, you press on and try so damn hard to make it right. Never let anyone know what you're really feeling, know you're a freak because most of "them" are normal and not having the thoughts you're having. A very lonely illness and a place that I wouldn't wish on anybody, we didn't ask for this, it's just part of us and we have to manage this condition day after day after day, the curse of the strong, never give in, never give up, just keep fighting, would love to have a day when it wasn't a struggle. Not looking for answers, just venting really. Was a vibrant, attractive person for so many years, won beauty competitions, to my horror now, had so much going for me, now I can't take much, have to live a very simple life, stay mostly indoors as the outside world is too much. To all those who understand this I say a big hello and hope there is recovery. although I know for most of us it's a case of managing to keep going day by day.

Hi citrus sun I have bipolar but that involves a lot of depressive episodes and I get exactly where you are coming from. I find it so hard to get through each day and I envy people who have never known the pain sadness and loneliness of mental illness.

Some days all that keeps me going is knowing my illness is genetic and one day my dc May have this too and I don't want them to suffer alone. My best friend he often asks what I'm thinking and when I tell him he says 'God you are Morbid' well I wish I wasn't.

I feel so different from those around me its like I'm looking at a alien race sometimes.

Oh I really understand manic, I feel like an alien most of the time, like there must be a planet that us depressives need to be transported to, cos this world isn't the right place. Everyone rushing around, competing, trying to achieve the next objective, whether that be a new car or whatever, stuff I just don't relate to, I really don't care about all that, I think I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time as all that leaves me cold, I just want to be at peace and safe in my head

Hi Citrus I totally "get where you're coming from too" - I suppose I am slightly better off as my depression comes and goes but when it comes I feel exactly like you describe. I hate seeing other people laughing and joking and being "normal" - although I know there are a lot of people who are out and about and are suffering a mental illness but manage to hide it. Apparently 1 in 6 of us is suffering some kind of mental illness at any one time.

I heard someone on one of these threads describe depression as the "deep dark well of pointless nothingness where any motivation to do anything has evaporated." It spoke to me!! When my bad days come I hide under the duvet and NOooo don't want to see anyone, whereas by nature I am an extrovert.

Can I ask if your depression is chronic - as it sounds that way - sort of there all the time, draining you emotionally and physically maybe? Are you on any meds.

I am on 2 different ADs and I think they help to some extent but as you say there is not always a cure for depression. It's a real torment of an illness and when I am in the depths of despair I feel ashamed. I think this comes from the fact that there is nothing to show - no broken bones or cuts or shortness of breath etc., and so people can't understand. Mind I am very "facially depressed" too and I hate that face. I think the only people who understand this awful illness is those of us who have had first hand experience of it.

Hello NanaNina, I have followed many of your postings on here and always felt kind of connected to you. I think we are of similar ages and like-minded. Yes it is chronic depression, used to come and go many years ago but now it has taken root and never really lets up. And the "facially depressed" thing, what a great description, I have this sort of haunted look that never goes away. Am on Venlafaxine and tried many different ADs, been on this one for several years now. It's still so stigmatising being a depressive, am sure people thing it's more of a behaviour than anything else, if you just tried a bit harder, etc, etc. I truly wish everyone had a temporary experience of what this is like, just for a day maybe, so they could understand the crippling paralysis of it and be more sensitive and compssionate to those who are afflicted long-term.