How to make life better? (Long).

[Clarentine]

Hello everyone. This is my first ever post on this website, and it is quite embarrassing for me to post anything. It makes me feel very exposed, but never mind, needs must!

I should probably say that Clarentine is not my real name and I don't have any children yet, sadly.

Also, I must say that I am NOT suicidal and would never ever commit suicide. So please don't worry. I'd hate to think of anyone worrying about me in that way; I wouldn't want to cause anyone a moment's uneasiness on that account. I would never do it because it is against my beliefs and also I just wouldn't do it to my family and anyway I am not suicidal anyway.

I just wanted to say the above, just because some of the things I am going to say might seem a bit extreme, I don't know. But you don't need to worry about anything like that.

Okay, so to start. Nothing really bad has ever happened to me. I've not been through any terrible trauma or anything horrible. In that way, I've been very lucky. My parents do their best for me and we get on. However, I seem to be good enough at making myself miserable without needing any particular reason.

This has been the worst year of my life, for reasons I cannot go into, really. Suffice it to say that I am mid twenties and have not had any real life friends for maybe ten years, maybe even longer. I can't even really remember. Even though I went to university and lived away from home during that time, it was the loneliest time of my life.

I did have a boyfriend, quite briefly (initiated by me), but it fizzled out. I do not think he liked me very much. Well anyway, this is a bit of a private subject which I should probably not mention, but we never slept together, even though I was in my late teens and he was early twenties when we were together. Neither of us were religious at that time.

I have never kissed any other guy or man, apart from him, and even that was six years ago now. I can't even remember what it was like now, really.

Unfortunately, I think there might be something wrong with me, which means that people cannot like me. I mean platonic friends, not just guys. I am not very good looking at all, in fact sadly I think I am quite the reverse. However, though this is a source of sadness for me (I do actually have something physically a bit wrong with me, it's not just my imagination), I don't actually think it is that, that is holding people back. The reason for that is, that I have had several platonic friendships and something a bit more with people online, with people I never met, and they all ended up not liking me in the end either.

Sometimes I think it is actually kind of funny in a sad way. I can sort of laugh to myself and say "oh well!" and other times I can say to myself over and over, "Oh my God, ain't it awful?!" and kind of laugh hysterically. Well anyway, it is very hurtful some of the things that have happened over the years.

I have been on an anti-depressant for most of this year so far. It has 'worked' in that before I was crying every day and having days off work because I was so upset, whereas now I can kind of function and I don't feel too bad. It's a lonely life, but it's not AGONY. You do kind of get used to it; it's just so sad!

It's hard though because I just don't know.....I know this sounds stupid but I would like to have some true friends and to be a friend to someone and make them happy. It is very painful to think, you know...well, I just feel like honestly, I would never deliberately do anything to hurt anybody. I couldn't bear the thought of causing anyone any pain. Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to come across. I don't even know.

I should probably say that at the moment I am technically unemployed. I'm not on sick or anything; just don't have a job. However, this is very unusual for me and extremely recent. Normally I have always worked.

I just wanted to write something down on the computer and see what people honestly think. It is kind of a last resort to have someone to talk to. Oh, I am on waiting list for counselling too, if anyone was going to ask. It is just.....I don't even know how to express it. I am going to likely be alive for another fifty years at least and it is tragic to think that I am not enjoying it at all and that there is always this sadness hanging over me, when I have no excuse whatsoever really. When you think of some of the things people have to suffer!

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I send my best wishes to everybody.

Hi Clarentine and have a hug, some and

So sorry to hear you have had a bad year How were things when you were a child - did you have friends then? And what did you study at uni?

Hi, if you have had difficult life events this year then it is bound to affect you.

Do you think you perhaps lack confidence and find it hard to make friends? I think it is much more common than people admit to not have many friends or any deep and supportive friendships. I know I do not and as someone without children for so long I felt so isolated. It can be hard to find time to meet people when working as well. Anyway , me rambling does not help!!!

I guess you have been suggested to think about an activity or hobby you enjoy and try a course or class that you might like, where meet other similar interested people? Some people go to groups in a place of worship if religious and the larger places tend to have lots of activities or small groups to join it etc of that is for you. Reading groups etc? I found doing an activity ( such as learning how to make jewellery etc) helped me mix better as had something neutral to talk about.

Hope you can find another job soon, to help you a bit perhaps.

Ill be your friend

Hi Silverysoothsayer,

Thank you for your kind words and the hug. I don't want to say what I did at university in case I get outed. But it was a humanities subject.
I have never had loads of friends and have always found it hard. I did have a couple of friends as a child but not many. It has always been hard for me, but I can't say that in my whole childhood I never had a single friend. But there were great periods of time when I was always on my own, unfortunately it just seemed to work out that way.

Hi HoopHopes,

Thanks for your response, I like to listen to people rambling! You are right about it being very isolating when you don't have children or a family of your own. That is what I wish for more than anything, but I know that's the wrong way to think, as really I need to find some friendships first. I don't want to be a burden on my future husband.
It is a great idea about the activities. This year I have been learning to knit, which my nan has been teaching me. I have nearly finished my first garment. Only the tassels are left. However, it has not turned out exactly right. I need to go back to the pattern and check it as maybe you only needed to decrease at one end of the row and I've been doing it at both and it is quite a bit smaller than meant to be. I am a tight knitter, but still. One of the things I was thinking was to make maybe three or four knitted things and then to learn crochet after that. I think there is a course near me. I just need to find another job so that I can afford it. I do have some savings but I don't want to touch them as they are for my future. I am not very good at DIY or cooking or anything like that, so I want to be able to bring some money into my marriage behind me when I do get married, so that I can at least bring something to the table and be an asset instead of a drain. Can I ask when you started to make jewellery, did you go to a course or did you just start at home? Was it hard?
I hope I get another job soon too. I have an interview today so fingers crossed. :)

Hi BigPawsBrown,

Thanks for saying you'll be my friend! It is very kind of you. :)

Where are you based?

I am in the southeast/London area.

Ooh am jealous you are learning to knit, sounds great. Where I live a local wool shop has a weekly knit and coffee group, free- maybe look out for things like that.

The jewellery I started with bits at home with a library book. Then I found a free course for 4 weeks. Lots of the local county day colleges do some short free courses I have found- evenings or day. Might be worth a look? I find it quite relaxing and can make gifts etc. not done it since I had my ds ( I had to wait a long time for him so do not give up hope!!)

All best with job interviews.

Oh should say different types of jewellery making - why not get books out of library and see what appeals? I like simple metal and beads things, as the tiny weaving of seed beads not my thing. I make earrings etc. only need a few basic tools and bead shops sell things loose. I found tiny seed beads thread into bracelets very therapeutic when not well!!

You sound like the you would be the most wonderful thoughtful friend

Hi Clarentine how did your interview go?

I also think you would make a lovely friend.

Friends don't mind how pretty you are. True friends are not shallow.
I agree with activities and getting out to meet new people. If the interview isn't successful then try volunteering. Anything to keep you busy.

Don't hide yourself away. Your life is too precious.

Lots of luck

Shame, I am in Birmingham. I second the clubs and hobbies advice, maybe a dance class or similar to help build confidence?

Thanks to Mike and Funnyfishface for their lovely comments. You are all so kind and make me feel really glad I posted on this board. Sorry I haven't responded sooner. It's been a not-so-great weekend.

Funnyfishface - Thanks for saying I would make a lovely friend. I hope you are well yourself. And thanks for asking about the interview. The interview went okay but not great. There was one question I could not answer and had to go back to at the end. Even then, it wasn't the best answer in the world, but I thought it was better than saying nothing. They told me I'd hear back that same day (Friday), or Monday (today) at absolute latest, which I thought was strange as normally you have to wait ages to hear. Of course, I haven't heard anything. If they hadn't said that I'd hear back Friday or today, I wouldn't start worrying for at least a week, but because they did say it, now I feel a bit worried. I guess I didn't get the job. I really hate it when they don't get back to you. I went to another interview three weeks ago and still never heard anything back. I ran the girl at the agency today who arranged the interview with the company and someone told me that she is off all this week!

Hoophopes, thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my question about the jewellery making. I do feel very enthusiastic about that. I shall try to get a book on it. :) I'd like to take a class in it for sure. By the way, I'm so glad and happy for you that you have your son! I'd love a little boy - it must be such a blessing!!

I am trying to stay positive and use positive thinking. I have been having one of those "I'm so ugly and unloveable" days. I know this sounds ridiculous, but the only thing that I find really helps is just not to think about it. If I don't let myself think about it, I can go along okay. When I start dwelling on things and really start to think about things, that's when I start getting upset.