Counselling

[Everquake]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this. I'm seeing a counsellor at the moment and asked his advice about something that's been bothering me. I didn't go into any details and he has answered me but it doesn't really fit the question. I'm not sure what to do, its becoming a bit of an issue for me but it's personal. How much detail are you expected to give and how much is considered too much when you are speaking to a counsellor?

I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable talking about it to be honest, and its not really fair on DH for me to discuss things (that happened in the bedroom) with someone whom he is likely to meet and doesn't know but I know I need to figure a way through this.

Generally counsellors are not meant to give advice, that is not their job. They provide your itch a safe space to talk and think. That may be why his answer may not be what you are looking for as they are bit there to tell you what to do, if that makes sense.

Yes that does make sense. Hadn't thought of it like that. He generally does give me advice like pointing out if I'm thinking the wrong things or drawing the wrong conclusions from events/a situation. May not be the right word, wrong, but other viewpoints. Trying to show me unhelpful thought processes. But is there a point when it comes to personal things that they will say no, too much info, stop talking?

I do not know. There is a difference between helping you learn to identify unhelpful thoughts and advising you to, say change jobs. And I guess the aim is to help you make those decisions otherwise you will need a counsellor for rest of life, instead of learning skills, being independent and responsible ultimately and not dependent on a counsellor.

Definitely when I have had counselling they have said I do not need to give details, it is not relevant often.

It all depends on the counsellor I think. Do you know what type of counsellor he is e.g. CBT, (that deals with the "here and now" and tries to help people replace negative thoughts with more balanced ones) pyscho-dynamic (that goes back through your life to see if anything from the past is still troubling you) There are other sorts of counselling and your counsellor should have explained to you what his "orientation" was in counselling. It sounds a bit like it is CBT. Is it on the NHS - if so it is most likely to be CBT.

The counselling agenda is yours, so you should be able to talk about anything that is troubling you, and an experienced counsellor will be able to take this on board. As someone else said, counsellors are not really about giving advice, it's more giving you the space and time to talk about what is worrying you. I have often been disappointed that counsellors seem to "skirt around" the issue or just reflect back what I have been saying.

I am a bit concerned though that you say your DH is likely to meet your counsellor - and I'm wondering why this should happen. Everything you talk about in counselling is confidential on the counsellor's side of things though of course you can talk about it to others, but often this isn't helpful.

Hmm - it's a bit of a minefield to be honest. I think the most important thing is that you feel safe and comfortable with the counsellor.

It's not NHS. He did explain it to me, but avoided using specific terms. He does intend to look at the past but he wants me to be in a more stable and safe place first was how he explained it, and to understand how i think and react to things. Basically I am to let him know about situations that arise and how I think I should deal or dealt with them and he talks it through with me, points out if I'm doing something destructive etc.

He also works with couples and as he thinks there are some things I do which affect our marriage he wants at some point to speak to DH. I know he's right about that but I am a little apprehensive. He has said anything I tell him is completely confidential and he would never say anything unless he has my express permission. But that knowledge of a situation does allow him to ask relevant questions of the other person. I don't know. We're not at that point yet, and its something I prefer not to think about to be honest.

At the moment it's more a case of me letting something that happened a while ago affect DH and my relationship and I know it shouldn't bother me and I'm being totally irrational about it (and I'm quite sure it wouldn't be an issue for most people) but it sticks in my mind and I need to work out how to move past it. Basically, with minimal details, after DC2 was born we decided to use condoms as contraception. Then one time DH didn't use one and I only found out about it afterwards. He apologised, I accepted his apology. But I can't forget about it. I don't know if its something that is worth bringing up or not. I know its ridiculous because DH has every right to decide what contraception we use. I suppose its more a trust thing for me but I don't know if it is appropriate to mention.

Hi it depends on what you are working on with your counsellor and if it is relevant. You could say you struggle with trusting him and then explore why? Or struggle accepting apologies. Can you think about what piece of work you would want to do with the counsellor on this? It is your time and up to you what you do. My counsellor saw my dp but that was to support me and not for couples counselling, which is different.

You can give your counsellor as much detail as you want, it should be open for you to say things you want and need to say that you perhaps couldn't anywhere else. I sometimes use my counsellor as sort of a test, I test out my thoughts and feelings on him, judging his reaction.

It's tough because it takes time to trust, I've been seeing mine 18months and the first 6months or so I found it hard to tell him much at all.
As for seeing your husband at some point, it's your therapy, if you don't want that to happen, make it clear.

I've spent sessions with my counsellor just talking about counselling, establishing boundaries and asking questions.

Maybe try talking to him about your concerns?