I have become self -indulgent and all I get enjoyment from is food

[hatesickness]

I am finding I have good days and bad days with my moods, but the bad days are becoming more frequent and I seem to have lost my resilience and I feel really alone and am hoping that, I may, selfishly, gain some insight from a mumsnet fellow!

I love my child, it was a struggle getting him here, but now he is two and I love him to bits and I am able to function for him. My PMT since having a baby has been horrendous, and I though my low moods, irritability etc were connected to hormones, but it seems I am now not only feeling down on those two weeks before my period it's every other day. I can't say I'm even down. I just don't feel like doing anything but eating. I don't enjoy anything and I don't seem to be able to motivate myself to care about anything. I used to be ok looking and would care about my appearance now I'm a saggy mess and wonder what's the point. My husband gets so frustrated with me, I would get frustrated with me! I adore my child, and will do everything i can for him, so I play and smile when I don't feel like it, but I just feel the ays are long and I look at the clock and wonder how I'm going to get through it. I frightened myself one day (the day before my period I may hasten to add!) as I thought I feels so awful I can't cope with it, I even thought about taking my own life but realised the last things in the world I would want is to make my son't life worse and I'm a loving mum, I love him so much I feel ashamed that I'm feeling this way, and I want to be the best I can for him. I hate the fact that I'm forcing myself to play with him when part of me is thinking I just want to go back to bed and eat some carbs! I try and do everything I can for my son, he gets lots of love, play, education (goes to nursery for one day a week), we have my partner's children here to play frequently too, he sees my parents and has lots of friendly, has a healthy diet etc etc (I don't let him see me emotional eating).

I sometimes wish I would cry or just have some fight, but I go and binge eat, and feel so demotivated, everything seems like hard work and I hate the person I've become. I look around and there is loads to do and I remember the sense of achievement I used to have when I did jobs, but I now just sit here and stare at it all. I'm obviously gaining a lot of weight as I just feel like eating.

I have tried trying to self help, I found walking doesn't make much difference, when I can motivate myself going for a run helps, but unless I get straight up and go, I don't. I also find the only way a run helps is if I go at a pace for over thirty minutes but my knees aren't liking it, especially with the recent weight gain. I have my son with me on most weekdays it's harder to organise it.

I hope whoever reading this doesn't feel lower by reading it, I'm sorry it's the most inspiring post, I just wondered if anyone has any theories.

Proper check-up? Could be hormonal?

You are doing well with DS. I so understand about bed and carbs.

Yes, go to your GP and get your hormones checked. Also you might be asked to do a test to see if you are depressed - the momentary impulse to imagine suicide is a warning sign. Last time I had a relapse, I imagined something similar and I immediately went to the doc. I have no intention of ever harming myself but just imagining it was enough to get me to the surgery.

You've tried lots of ways of resolving it and that's all the more credit to you given how you've felt at the same time. You've been very proactive.

So keep up with the exercise* (whatever exercise you can do, depending on flare ups of knee pain - maybe get your shoes checked out to make sure they are right for you now?) when you can, eat a variety of foods during the times you are motivated and don't kick yourself too hard when you're not. At the moment, you need some support from the NHS to help give you a leg up over the fence.

If the doctor says that she can help, then it might be easier to explain to your husband. He might be frustrated at the moment because he can't help and he doesn't know what's wrong. Being able to say, hey I am doing something to help myself, this is the problem as I see it and I need you to support me and know that there will be an end to this might be easier, perhaps.

Because there will be a time when you are more on top of things and content.

*I think you're amazing for keeping this up. I'm bloody terrible at it even when I'm feeling better.

Sounds just like me and I have a diagnosis of PND,please see your doctor,good luck xxx

Are you a SAHM? If only one day a week childcare the perhaps part of how you are feeling is linked to being at home so much? I longed to be a parent and did Ivf route etc after a LNG wait for my dc I found it hard to admit I needed to be apart from him and at work. Love him, put 5 days a week of childcare, household drudgery and beeping isolated was not good for me!! In the end before I went back to work this summer I had to have an activity every day. Sure start groups, play groups, baby swimming, baby music group, baby yoga, buggy fit class. You name it, I did it. And had to force myself to do it!! I also resorted to carbs, biscuits to keep going.

If you cannot be at work can you: get blood checks to check hormone levels? Find a way of exercising with a toddler? My yoga class was for mum and little one for eg. Or go for a run before partner works a few times a week? Find activities that get you out of the house if that helps?