exhausted from depression... will i ever feel better?

[misssounsure]

I've has depression since childhood. When I think of my childhood, despite having a "normal" upbringing I've always felt extremely down. I remember from a v.young age crying myself to sleeep, wishing I wouldn't wake up, just always feeling very very depressed.

This continued all adult life. I finally saw a gp a few months ago after I was fed up with being tearful all the time... I couldn't watch tv, read papers without bursting into tears over a sad story. After birth of my child one year ago I got anxiety and stress and tearfulness on top of depression. I got put on 10mg citalopram a weekand a half ago. I the tearfulness eased and I felt a bit better all within a week!

Unfortunately my relationship has been suffering for years and dinaly we decided a few weeks ago to split. My partner started discuasing practicalities Yest re dates he's movingetc and since yest I've slipped into a really dark place. I can't get out of bed. I've been crying non stop. I'm used to feeling down but this is turning into a deep depression. Has anyone else has horrendous depression plus big life stresses but pulled through and ended up happy? I feel so so low ans need hope that one day I will be free from this evil illness and happy.

(Ps I will be going back to my gp plus I'm going to have cbt soon) I just need to know someone else has been where I am right now and pulled through? Depression is ruining my life :-(

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. You are doing the right thing going back to the GP. It sounds like you are in the middle of an incredibly stressful situation at the moment. You are going through a relationship breakup and you have a young baby. I don't think how you are feeling is unusual.

I think it can be easy to feel like it's one big thing that's wrong and making you unhappy, or even that you are just an unhappy person in general, when it isn't and you aren't. There are lots of smaller things which aren't working for you but these are moveable/changeable. It sounds like you are beginning to make positive steps and changes in your life. If you can imagine that this is the hardest point then you can only go upwards from here. You sound very brave. I hope things turn round for you soon. (I think they will!)

Sorry to hear you're feeling so bad and glad to hear you're going back to your GP - hope its soon and hope you can tell him/her you're feeling worse.

In my experience when you're in the depths of depression its impossible to see or believe that life will ever be any better. But it will.

My story, if its any help, is that I had a v tough 2012 with severely depressed dh, having to take vol redundancy from a much loved workplace, youngest dc starting school, dd broken leg, looking back probably mild-moderate depression up and down through the year. Jan/Feb this year severe depression - like you lots of crying and sleeping and not functioning. But after starting ADs (fluoxetine and trazodone) and counselling I am now feeling a lot better.

I think if you've had depression long term and then life circumstances get extra stressful (as it would be with baby and relationship breakdown) you are going to get straight to severe for a while.

When you went to the Doc did you say you had suffered from depression since childhood? You mentioned you're on Citalopram - are you going up to 20mg any time soon (10mh usually a starting dose but, 20mg is therapeutic).

Hang in there x

Thanks so much everyone. "Colouringinthequeen) yes I told my gp ive had depression since childhood. I basically went along, burst into tears ansd blurted out my life story. The reason I think gp only put me on 10mg is to state slowly because 5 years ago I had depression but was still going to work. Gp put ne in AD's and unfortunately I ended up so much worse (went from working but feeling down and tearful to spending 3 days in bedsuicidal unable to even go to work) . I now know they can make you worse before better but I told gp i was scared of being put on ADs so she only put me on them as a last resort and only a v small dosage. Oddly I felt good until about 2 days ago. I've only been on them 10 days. Day 3 to day 8 I felt good and stoppedffweling tearful... I actually felt fairly good. It's just yesterday ive suddenly sunk very low.

And thanks so much for sharing your story xx

Just posting quickly as have to go to work but yes, I was a life long unhappy person, periods of not wanting to go on living etc. 15 years ago I was put on Citalopram and still take a very low dose even now and it utterly changed my life. I don't even think of myself as a former depressed person, so what I'm saying is , yes, you can turn your life around. I think you need a larger starting dose, just to give you the boost to see problems with a possible outcome not an impossible one. God luck, I will check in later. X

It's early days, OP. ADs can be v effective, but it can take time for them to work, and there are often side effects to weather but they too usually improve. Give the ADs a few weeks trial, if they aren't working or side effects still there then go back to GP and ask to change to something else. Everyone's physiology is different and it can take time to find the right one, but it is worth it.

I had depression from childhood, in my case I think it's cos I have AS (being assessed atm) and couldn't fit in. I tried several different ADs in my 20's, it wasn't till my late 30s that SSRI's appeared, and they were my miracle drug (paroxatine in my case)

Thanks so much fanny for sharing. I feel like I'm in a cycle of being down due to not having enough family, friends, good relationship, house I own, perfect job . As a result of my circumstances I get down, then because I'm down my circumstances get worse!!,(ie the few friends and family I did have I end up losing because of how I act)/ towards them). I thought last year I was down due to lack of friends so I joined an nct group...met lovely people and felt good but then my depression returned, I ended up confusing in one New friend, she probably felt overwhelmed so she backed off from me. I'd like to get closer friends with the others but feel like my depression and just the way I am in general makes me crappy at making friends...others in the group are forming close friendships..I just feel on the sidelines but I know its my own fault.... It's such a vicious cycle....

The silverysoothsayer thanks so much for your story... It's so similar to mine. Can I ask what AS is? Also u say it wasn't til late 30s you started on ssri's which worked for u. Do u know have a happy life? I'm guessing from what u said re not fitting in you didn't have many friends before? Do u know have a happy life with friends etc? I feel like its all to late for me as I'm in my 30s but I do hope that maybe its not? And maybe one day I will havea nice "normal" life

Ps sorry for awful spelling mistakes and grammer, I'm writing on my phone! + I'm exhausted!

Ps sorry for awful spelling mistakes and grammer, I'm writing on my phone! + I'm exhausted!

AS=Aspergers Syndrome.

Things did get better after I was on the paroxatine, but then got worse again as I came to realise I was married to a twunt. We did produce two lovely DC, now adults. I divorced him a year and a half ago, my depression went the day I filed the petition.

I am 61, it took well into my 40's and 50's to figure it all out. Life is great now. You won't need to wait as long as I have!

One thing about depression is that while one is depressed, there is always something that can be blamed. These things are often actually red herrings, address the depression first and the other stuff should get itself into perspective.

In my case, there was something causing it in my more recent life, but MN helped me see that there was, and ADs got me better enough to do something about it.

Thanks so much for sharing silvery. I really hope the ADs start working soon. I feel Im missing out on enjoying my 13 month old as I'm just so down. Just want to relax and enjoy but i feel so down and stressed.X