Depression since I was a very young child - I don't even know how "normal/happy" feels

[misssounsure]

I'm hoping someone else has a similar experience to me. It sounds so sad but I can honestly not remember a time when I did not have depression of some sort. I recall as a very young child just feeling so miserable. My home life was fine, with 2 parents who were fairly good in general.

I used to feel so down and self concious at school and I would get home and go straight to my room and cry. This was pretty much all the time. I would also cry myself to sleep at night. I would worry all the time.. about my parents and brother dying in car crashes etc. I was an excessive worrier and generally very depressed.

This continued into my adult life. As an adult I have always felt either a bit down or extremely depressed. I've been able to get a good education and a job but have struggled with things like forming deep friendships.

Aged 25 I went from feeling just generally down to extremely depressed and tearful. I finally went to the GP about it and was put on AD's. Unfortunately these made me almost suicidal. I stopped and never went back to gp. I retunred to what is "normal" for me.. able to function re. work etc but still feeling generally down.

One year ago I had a baby and suffered horrendous depression again, in particular being very tearful... crying all the time. I've also felt overwhelmed with stress and anxiety. Crying that my baby will grow up and move out and leave me etc... (I know that sounds and is ridiculous but its how I feel). I finally went back to the GP a week ago I've been put on Citalopram (10mg). This seemed to help quite quickly and stopped me feeling tearful until today when I just cant stop crying. I feel down, tearful and very stressed. I don't even know how "normal" or "happy" feels. Can anyone relate to my story? I just want to feel "normal" and am fed up of this horrible depression that has plagued me my whole life :-(

(my home life is suffering... my partner and I are in the process of separating.. not just because of my depression but because I'm no happy with him.. I feel I settled for him because I was depressed when we met and I thought I "couldnt do any better").

I'm trying so hard to create a nice life for myself with work, family, friends etc but I just struggle with life in general

Hi I can absolutely relate to what you are going through.similarly I have suffered depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember.at some of what should have been the happiest times in my life I was constantly feeling overwhelmed with depression and anxiety.

Things that have helped me -

-firstly accepting this is the way I am and I will have good days and bad days no matter what I do to help myself
-I view my depression and anxiety as a chemical imbalance that at times requires medication to sort itself out and I feel no guilt for taking medication
-maintaining constant contact with my GP and continually discussing medication and how it is working for me
-keep a diary of how you feel each day,include details like the weather,when you took your meds,what you have done and eaten,how much sleep you have had,what you watched on tv-see if you can see a pattern forming
-accept any help and support on offer.you could also speak to your HV
-get some counselling,maybe who could teach you CBT

remember you are not alone and accept that some days will be rubbish no matter what you do

How are your parents now, OP? Are they thrilled to have a grandchild?

Thanks catnap. I'm on a waiting list for cbt which I think will really help. I'm also reading some good positive thinking books (The secret) is a v.inspiring book. I wish I knew what "normal" was supposed to feel like. Up until today I've been what I consider to be "fine".. I.e. not bursting into tears at the first sign of a sad story on the news. I've just been feeling ok but surely I should feel "happy".. I know AD's aren't an instant quick fix and I need to do CBT too but I'm just so fed up of feeling like this. It's a vicious cycle as the longer I feel like this the longer I feel like I'm wasting my life and the more down I get. For e.g I See on FB people living what appears to be "wonderful, happy" lives and It gets me down (I know I shouldn't pay attention to what others are doing but I can't help it). I wish I could just be carefree and happy!!! Will AD's + CBT eventually lead to me just feeling at peace and happy???

Bonsoir - my parents are ok but I've put them through a lot of stress in the past.. years ago I used to phone them up very late in the evening when I had problems going on (I lived abroad and got involved with an undesirable man). They are almost 70 and I've stressed them so much that they look exhausted! But yes they do love their grandchild. I'm a little distant with them these days though as they are such worry warts and very stressy people (Probably as a result of having me for a daughter!!)

Please get referred for CBT. You can change this x

I can relate to this completely. Most normal people have ups and downs in life, a few bumps in the road and so on. For me it has been a constant feeling of being down or really down! I'm not sure what 'normal' is but I too find myself looking at other people and wondering how they seem to find it so natural to embrace and enjoy life.

I'm not sure what the cure is though. I've had really bad times where a combination of CBT and medication helped pull me through but never to a 'normal' level of happiness or functioning. Some medications can take the edge off but others just seem to make things worse or create a feeling of total numbness.

chipsadmushypeas I've been referred... was about 4 weeks ago gp referred me but waiting list is 4 months!! Another 3 months to go. I really do want to address the way I think as I know I'm my own worst enemy!

yes longtimelurking its not nice is it. It's such a shame that CBT _ meds helped you pull through but didn't make you feel a "normal" level of happiness :-( It's so sad :-( xx

I'm waiting for counselling too and am on a similar length waiting list.i have had two lots of counselling in the past which have really helped but when those lows hit i know I need it again.this time it is pnd.

i always feel that when I'm having a good day and feel happy I wonder if I actually am 'normal' now or is it the meds??? It is so frustrating but the meds I'm on now r really helping me function to be a good mother and wife so that to me is what is most important.

i was taking citalopram for years and think I became immune to it so the gp changed it when pnd hit.

Where to start? Can relate to lots of what you're saying... Wondering whether much more to your childhood than you realise - why didn't they get you help? Why are you to blame for them being exhausted???

Personally am not at all a fan of positive thinking, positive psychology yes. For me it is unrealistic and cynical to feed people the line that if we "just" changed our thinking life would miraculously transform and we'd be "happy". Millions of books sold on this lie!

For me, suffering is the universal human condition (we ALL have pur shit to deal with) , strangely this both reassures me of my sanity and makes me feel more conducted to others. "Happiness" for me is rare and fleeting, contentment is a lifelong quest, trying to find meaningful fulfilment is a valuable daily task.
Positive psychology - Martin Seligman et al- is great on this, some simple small steps to take - a daily gratitude journal for one- to slowly shift thinking a little.

Also, acceptance, we're all on a continuum, like me through a Combination of genes and environment, you most likely sit far more towards the pessimistic view of the world. This is no more "wrong" than optimism, just need to accept it then deal with it. A life's quest for many of us!

Oh sweetie! Im sending u a biiiiiiiig hug xxxx i think i may know what you're dealing with-it's called Dysthymia. I have it. I totally understand you because that's exactly how i've 'felt' my whole life. I always thought it was just me,that i must be some loser freak who doesn't know how to be 'normal'.

You're not alone in feeling this way. There's many like us out there and there is help available. It isn't widely known about or discussed because it is a 'functional depression' as opposed to acute/clinical depression,so it gets overlooked.

Dysthymia is a chronic low grade depression,you can function (i.e work,socialise,have relationships etc) but your mood and energy and drive dnt get better. My feelings range is negative and depressive to flat. I dnt know how to have that 'im so happy,life is wonderful' feeling. I can appreciate n be grateful for the good things in my life and say im happy about that,but truthfully-i don't have that light and happy feeling.

Dysthymia can be present since childhood as it does have genetic links-and it is a diagnosed mental health condition. You can't be 'cured' as such,but you can learn to live a more positive life and manage it more effectively. Anti depressants can help a lot-but you do need access to some type of talking therapy-be that a counsellor,psychologist,gp or support group of like minded people.

Have a look on google and see whether you resonate with dysthymia and if you do,feel free to inbox me as i have lots of info on support groups etc that may help you.

I only found out i was dysthymic about 12 months ago. I still can't believe the difference it has made just knowing that it is actually a medical condition abd treatable. Whilst i still dnt knw how 'happy' feels,i feel more positive about life and that dark cloud is disappearing more often and letting the sunshine through.

Well done for all that you have achieved in life. You made this far and survived-be proud of that. Xxxx

Aww dysfunctionallynormal that makes a lot of sense!! I'd never even heard of that. I'm going to research it properly now xxx,

Wow Dysfunctionallynormal, that is me too, and I've never heard of it before now. I used to see everyone around me having fun and laughing and messing about, and me just not 'getting' it. Thank you!

Your welcome peeps :-) makes me feel good to know i've actually helped someone on MN! Just got in and need to feed myself n cats,then i shall be back and post some useful links for you and reply to the inboxes.
Xxx

I've not been able to inbox you as on my phone but useful links would be much appreciated thank you

I came here with the same suggestion, dysthymia. I was diagnosed with it at 25, when I had what looked like a massive breakdown. It actually turned out to be kind of a "depressive phase" that was being way harsher than it should have because of the dysthymia ("double depression").

Dysthymia runs in families: 4 people on my dad's side on 3 generations - me included. None of the three others got diagnosed with it straight away but later in their lives with more acute syndromes than mine. It is more likely to have developed if you had a traumatic experience in your childhood.

Three years after my diagnosis, I am not on Ads but on St John's Wort, it works well for me and I do not want to take ADs as long as I can. Building self esteem, having reliable friends/family members and keeping in mind that although it is a pain, dysthymia is "just a mild chronic condition" help me a lot. Understanding how it works too will probably help you too (you can start by having a look on wikipedia, I just had and the info is quite good). You should definitely talk to your doctor about this

Sounds exactly like me too. When I did the PND test I was always struck by the questions referring to how your feelings had changed over a certain period whereas I wanted to answer that I always had little enjoyment in everyday things, low self-esteem etc I don't have particularly high anxiety, luckily, but the lack of enjoyment, not being able to be lighthearted & have fun strikes a chord.

Funnily enough I was thinking of trying St John's Wort as I am just so tired of feeling like this. I will research it. Would a GP be able to diagnose this condition, given it seems to be not very commonly known of?

sorry bout that - fell asleep!

try these for info, you will find other relevant links through them:

mdcdepressionscreening.ex.ac.uk/

www.robynwheeler.com/ , this lady is fantastic, such an inspiration!

www.mdjunction.com/dysthymia‎

www.dysthymia.org.uk/‎

www.experienceproject.com/groups/Am-Challenged...Dysthymia

www.depressionplace.com/familyfriends.html - this is helpful for friends and family who want to help

www.mind.org.uk/blog/7285_finding_the_real_me_through_the_dark_clouds_of_dysthymia

there are two dysthymia Facebook groups that you can join too but you will have to pm me for details. they were changed to Secret because we kept getting trolls taking the piss and making nasty, hurtful remarks. Dysthymia wasn't diagnosed as such until about 1980 so that could also be why it isn't as well known as other depressions.

Thanks disfunctionally

absolutely relate to your post, even down to reading the 'secret' to find a way out of feeling so low and un helpable (if thats a word?!) used to feel miserable as a child, that everything is bad, would think bad thoughts. i used to feel wierd, was called weird!

ive been like i am since childhood, never feeling like i fit in, low moods, hyper moods, no confidence, like to be on my own, used to sit in my room alot, loads more but my heads abit numb today.

sounds harsh but i had kids and its made me worse, its too stressful for me to handle sometimes.

i ruined my relation ship, he ended up living back with his mum because i couldnt bare him having to deal with me!

ive been back and forth to my gp asking (pleading!) for help to feel normal - but all i get is 'what is normal' and it pisses me off cos any thing other then what i go through daily would feel normal to me!

wanting friends, enjoying going out, doing things that MOST people would find interesting ALL of which i dont? but then feel so sad and isolated at the same time.

sorry ive rambled away on your thread.