At a bulimia crossroads - worse before better?

[Instructionsfordancing]

Apologies if this seems a bit self indulgent - I really just need to write down what I'm going through in order to hopefully shock myself and give me strength for this last bit

I've had bulimia for 16 years and at the grand old age of 31 I'm in a CBT group designed to give me the tools to finally win the battle.

We were warned its a process and it gets worse before better but I seem to have reached the bottom and not really sure there's an up around the corner.

I'm lucky to have a supportive husband, family, friends and job but I don't really seem to care the effect it has on others at all. The binging and purging has been daily for the last week and my head is all over the place.

I've wasted so much of my life, money and happiness just eating and vomiting and its so hard to just shut it off after so long.

I want to be better & have a child at some point (periods have finally returned) but know I am too ill to go through pregnancy and could not be the mother a child deserves while my head is still living in a bulimic world.

I've taken the day off work to try and reset and plan to go through all my group work and focus on tools they've suggested. I guess I just feel guilty that I do it to myself so I have nothing to complain about

I'm sorry you're in such a low place. Don't feel guilty, you're unwell and doing all the right things to get yourself better.

I hope you find going through your group work helpful. You say you can't see an up around the corner, but you sound so determined, I think you'll find it.

You're doing the right things right now, and it definitely is difficult.

I went through this about ten years ago, after seven years of bulimia, and I do know where you are right now. Things can get better. You can slowly change your mindset, and you'll be surprised at how far you can get.
I don't think it's about you doing this to yourself; I remember not really realising or remembering how I ended up in the bathroom after eating - or not being in any kind of sensible control over what food I bought. I don't think I necessarily did it to myself - there was something else.

Taking the day off to focus on this is a brilliant idea. I can hear how determined you are to stop this, and I think that you can. There is an up, and you're going to find it, but you should be prepared for down days too - and not to beat yourself up over them. It's all going to be progress from here. Good luck.

Thank you both for your lovely comments, I'm really grateful for your kind words

It's such a tough habit/coping mechanism to escape as food is such a part of life but I am determined (it helps having other people point it out to remind me of that!)

It's definitely a painful journey but I guess I just need to remember I can get there and how much life is there for me to enjoy rather than the life I've missed.

One good day almost done & a lot more to come is the plan!

Many more good days to come!