I am not ok

[WallaceWindsock]

I'm not sure i ever have been. All through my teens I had extreme ups and downs. I can just remember days and days of feeling that awful despairing aching lowness and sobbing on my bedroom floor for hours and hours. After I had DD I had some sort of breakdown, left DP because I was in fear of DDs safety. There was no reason for the fear, it was completely irrational but so strong and consuming that I acted on it. 5 months later I realised something wasn't right, moved back home, came through it all and thought it was all over.

I've now had DS(5mo) and thought I was ok. The last few months I haven't been quite right though. The mood swings are back, I'm on the brink of losing my temper all the time. I don't feel at all in control. I've been struggling to leave the house, obsessing about my weight, feeling generally low.

Then this morning we were getting ready to go out and I ended up in a heap, sobbing and feeling that despair again, like I wish I didn't exist. I rang DP and basically sobbed at him, poured out how I've been feeling. He told me to have a day in front of the tv and not put pressure on myself to do anything and we'd talk when he gets home. I feel what I recognise as ok now although I'm not sure that other people would recognise this as "ok". - a bit low, short tempered, wanting to hide from the world, not go out, not answer the phone etc. but I could, with a huge amount of effort fight that feeling down. Plaster a fake smile n my face and go out if I had to, so I feel normal for me. Most days I can fight it downs some days I barely need to and if DPs here then I actually look forward to going out. But other days, like today, I just can't fight it down any,ore.

I feel guilty because DD doesn't get anywhere near enough stimulation or time out the house as she should. I've introduced some formula feeds to DS because I wanted to be able to leave him with family etc and go out n my own sometimes to try and snap myself out of this, which has made me feel slightly better. So I sometimes wonder if it is just that I need to get out the house more, but then I have days like this morning and I think that it's more than stuck in a rut ness and I'm not sure that other people feel like I do all the time, I think that just feels "normal" to me because its what I'm used to.

I still laugh, in fact I can go from feeling awful to fits of giggles in seconds which seems to be used as evidence by my mum etc that I'm fine, just having a bad day, just need to pull myself together. And I can lots of the time. But again, is that just because I'm so used to battling this. I don't know that I can go through the rest of my life with the lows and the general melancholy which always seems to be lurking. And the anger all the time.

I'm also on the depo(have had 2 doses) and it has crossed my mind that the anger could be coming from that. I don't know what to do about that though as the pill does not agree with me and we want long term contraception so the coil is the only other option, but DP doesn't like the idea of it and I'm not keen/scared about that.

It's all just a mess. I don't know what I'm asking, just trying to get it all out as I can't keep ringing DP at work.

Hi I think having a young child, or young child and more is the most exhausting and tiring time ever. No time for self, feeding, all the household grind, lack of sleep, loss of self from job and lack of social life and often with PD's working lots of time on own with a baby that does not use words.

So social time, regular me time and as much sleep as is possible really make a difference.

Why don't you make an appointment with whoever does contraception advice - I find the nurses have more time- to discuss options and more long term and perhaps not hormonal options. If dp does not like one option that may help you then perhaps he needs to look at taking all the responsibility for contraception for you. Until men know what hormones do to them my view is they should not decide what we do to out bodies.

If you can sort that out then you can see if it helps and then maybe talk to your health visitor about concerns about your children and activities? They may suggest a support children's worker for you to meet with, you can ask your HV for support if you are struggling with your baby etc, that is what they are there for.

Lack of sleep isn't an issue as they both sleep through and both did from 6 weeks. I'm coping fine with the baby and he is very easy going so don't feel I need support with him. And equally DD - we do get out and about but I know I lose my temper more than is necessary - not in proportion to the situation, you know. The issue isn't related to how tough it is with having kids, that's exactly what my mum keeps saying. However I know it's battling these extreme moods that's the issue. They don't come from anything in particular, they're just there going round and round. This is what I struggle to get across to family or DP when we talk about it. I've had these ups and downs and out of control emotions since I was 12 regardless of what was going on in my life. I'm no worse since I've had kids, its not that I find parenting hard, it's that the mood swings and melancholy is getting in the way of my ability to parent. Does that make sense?

Yes. Why not ask for HV to put you on a parenting course so you can learn how to manage your moods around children then? Wow I would love to have 8-10 hrs sleep a night as my moods worse when not sleeping which is why I suggested sleep!!

I don't think that's the answer though is it. I don't want to know how to control springing from sobbing on the floor to hysterical giggles, annoyance and then back to sobbing again. I want to stop feeling as though I wish I were dead. I want to stop the bursts of anger. I don't want to control it, I want it to go away. I want to be normal. I want to experience feeling calm.

Have you ever spoken to your dr about the mood issues? It sounds like youve struggled with it for a long time.
Def worth talking it through with them or your health visitor.

I think you need to speak to your GP or Health Visitor about your moods, you could be depressed.

If you want it to go away then one way of doing that is learning how to manage it, etc ( sorry I have few useful phrases today) so that it will be no longer an impact. The gp and HV are the routes to NHS help. If you can afford it you could see what private treatments are available also.