I can't believe I'm posting this - I'm scaring myself.

[CushyPunt]

I am a nc-ing regular, but not on this board.

I have long term mh problems as well as a severe chronic pain condition. Yesterday was a bad day, I had my uncles funeral and a major flare up left me unable to walk unaided. I had to be supported by my dad and my brother just to stand up. It was so embarrassing. We are in a mess financially and have a zillion bills to pay and everything just seems so hopeless.

A few months ago I had a really bad depressive episode which culminated in me stepping out in front of a car, hoping it would hit me. And today I can't stop crying, I'm edgy, exhausted and constantly thinking of ways I can remove myself from dh and ds's life without hurting them. How could I make my death look like an accident, etc.

I'm scaring myself. And I'm trying to justify my existence, but finding it increasingly hard. I don't know what I hope to achieve by this thread, I just want to get it down.

If you are at risk of immediate harm to yourself please phone the samaritans or go to your nearest A&E.

If not please phone your GP and get an emergency appointment.

Sorry you are in crisis just now.

you can't leave your dh and ds's lives without hurting them. Please don't leave.

I know, I'm just wobbling. I don't know how to cope right now, I'm scared to call my GP, I don't want DH to know how I'm feeling right now. We are supposed to be going on holiday in a few weeks and I don't want to wreck it. I feel like I'm bouncing back and forth and I can't see a way out. I feel like a stranger, I don't understand what's happening to me.

I second phoning the gp or going to a n e. Get an emergency appt and talk to someone about how you feel.

I have a few mh problems and I've spent 2 weeks working myself up into a right state about going to the gp. I went and had to have an appt with a doctor who has no bedside manner at all, that did not help. I managed to get there (railroaded by a good friend) and he was amazing with me. Straight down the line about treatments and what to expect. I felt like I had a whole new outlook when I walked out.

You need to get help, your dh and your ds need you and love you. Tell your dh that you are having problems and feel like this could end up in the same place as last time and that you need him to support you. I'm sure he will.

Good luck

Ok, I will call my GP. I take ami for neurological pain, and I don't know how to explain it, I don't want to hurt myself, if only for my family. But if I could just drop down dead right now, I'd welcome it. Does that make sense?

I forgot to say thank you. Waiting for my gp to call me.

So glad you have called your gp, tell them what you have told us here. Good luck x

Thank you. They won't make me go to hospital will they? I can't do that. I can't cope with the thought of it.

I honestly don't know. I have no experience, have they called you back? Is there someone friend/family you could call? X

No, not yet. DH is on his way home now so should be here in a minute. I'm going to go to bed soon too, I think. I didn't sleep at all last night and am jittery and on edge.

Probably best to have an early night, I find everything seems a million times worse when I'm tired.

I know exactly what you mean about 'just going' but try to counter those thoughts with thoughts of ds starting school (if he hasn't already) or starting secondary and the million of other things you will see ds doing in his life. It's basic but it does seem to work.

I hope you've heard from the gp now and feel better on that front.

I don't know if this will work for you, I know it works for me and worked for my cousin (she has bi polar and uses this when she is on her low times) but, everyday write down 3 things you have done, it might be something really small like making ds his dinner and clearing up after yourself or cleaning the living room to something that you find difficult, like sitting dh down and telling him how you feel. It helps focus you on the positives and not the negatives.