I am so stupid

[muddleup]

I never seem to get it right, never seem to say whats in my head right, it always comes out sounding stupid and pathetic.
Cpn has just left and I think I have just made a mess of that to.
I give up, whats the point?
My head feels like spaghetti junction mixed with a half finished jigsaw with missing bits.
I feel like everything is against me, because i cant say what I'm feeling or whats in my head I'm being punished, but thats ok because its what I deserve, its normal.
I dont know what to do anymore, I know letting everyone think I'm ok isnt helpful but i cant find the right words to say how i feel and then i hate myself for being stupid and not being able to say it.
And i dont even know if any of this makes sense :(

It makes sense to me.
Do you want to talk about what happened with the cpn?

I just couldnt get my words out, it was like i was sat watching myself talk rubbish but couldnt stop it, couldnt tell her what really mattered and now im left with it all and I dont feel safe.
We spoke about how I cant eat without having diarrhea which has been on going since my operation last month, I told her i was scared that i was going to end up with an eating disorder again, but I feel like she doesnt see it as a problem, but it is for me.
I am going back to GP tomorrow but that in itself scares me.
Everything is a mess and it feels like it would be best for everyone if i wasnt here anymore.

Definitely go to your GP! I'm here to talk if you need me though and here to listen. If it's any help I kind of know how you feel, I have the sam eproblem with eating/diarrhea and also have had/still ahve an eating disorder.

Is there a possibillity that the dr could prescribe you something fibre building which stops the diahorea.

Do you generally feel ok with teh cpn? Has she been helpful/useuful in the past? You don't have to answer any of these and I can just chat if you'd prefer.

It's all a mess.
saw Psychiatrist this morning and I got that wrong to, tried my hardest today what's going on but all I could talk about is what happened at hospital and how if my gp sends me back I cant go. She said I have to but I cant even thinking about it now makes me come out in a cold sweat, feel sick and am in a panic,
she wont change my meds as she doesn't want that to get the blame.
the fact that I was in tears and struggling to say whats in my head meant nothing she will see me in 3 months, I wanted to scream at her that in 3 months I wont be here that im done with this world, but it wont change anything just free up a space for someone who deserves to be helped :(