Thoroughly fed up with it all

[GotMyGoat]

I've just posted this on the 'has parenting affected your mental health?' thread, but wondered if anyone was around to offer some support? I'm feeling very down as built up the courage to call a IAPT helpline, but didn't realise it was just an answerphone service, where someone will call me back within 7 days to arrange a telephone interview.

dd is 2 - and I feel like I could cope with the little baby bit, even though she had reflux and would never let me put her down, I just ignored all house work and concentrated on her which seemed to work ok.

Now that she's a toddler I have no idea to cope - she is at that stage where she is fearlessly jumping off anything and has no idea about risks. She's also testing my buttons, and is an absolute angel for everyone except for me and dh, my childminder has seen the transformation and was horrified! I can not let my eyes off her otherwise she is destroying something or getting into danger.

I work full time, and have a ridiculous commute - 3 hrs to get home via the childminders. Half of that journey is with dd in the pushchair and it is the worst 90 minutes of the day. She scrams at me constantly. I'm socially anxious anyway and this just pushes me over the edge, If I forgot to bring a digestive to keep her quiet then she just keeps on and on unless a stranger smiles at her and then she goes back to being a sweet little angel, but reserves her anger at me. It's so embarassing and makes me feel like a rubbish parent - and I know that everyone on the bus will be hating me for not keeping her quiet and must think she's starved (Chocolate mummy! Mummy NOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!. DH does the morning run, thankfully so it is only once a day.

I know in the back of my head that if I asked the grandparents to adopt dd they would, which makes me sick for thinking such a horrible thing but I am just so exhausted.

It doesn't help that I moved away from family a few months ago, into a rented house which seemed lovely but is actually full of problems - electrics are dangerous and we get small electric shocks from our light switches and appliances as the property isn't earthed, everytime we turn the lights on, its actually burning the wood above in the loft so am constantly aware a fire could be starting. our dining room roof now leaks when it rains (have to leave a bucket there) and windows don't open or close properly, kitchen cupboards are rotten and falling apart and the floor is mouldy. Silverfish infestation, windows which you can put your hand through the hinge when closed, bits of plumbing are missing... taps missing... light switches missing.. patio door handles missing... there's 5 pages worth of things to be fixed.

Environmental health came round two weeks ago, after I had spent two months being fobbed off by the landlords and wrote a report demanding that the landlords fix the electrics within 7 days and the rest of the issues within 4-5 weeks, but as yet nothing has been done - apparently their electrician is on holiday... they can't find a roofer. So whenever dd is at home i have to keep her safe and away from the bucket of water in the dining room, and away from the dishwasher because it gives the most almighty shocks and hope that silverfish aren't crawling over her bed like they are mine and hope that she doesn't eat anything off the kitchen floor and that she doesn't burn herself. I can't see a way out because it is hard to find a landlord who will accept us as tenants, and we don't have six weeks deposit money available and we are not a priority for a council house. Because I work full time with a long commute I do not actually have the time to call the council etc during the day so its really hard to sort everything out.

I am stressed and anxious and am such a stressy boring person now, but I genuineley can not cope with the stress anymore. I've taken a sick day today as yesterday I went to the doctors thinking that I was suffering from low blood pressure (dizzy, near faints for 2 weeks). They said that there is nothing wrong with my blood pressure and that it is probably just stress and anxiety. I was actually sobbing for the doctors appointment as just before hand in the waiting room dd had had the mother of all tantrums because I put her in her pushchair (she kept trying to run out of the waiting room), I didn't actually have the strength to fight her and felt completely out of control. The receptionist came with a colouring in sheet to help me.

Because I was sobbing, the doctor mentioned post natal depression and gave me anti-depressants, and also a helpline number to call for group cbt (which i keep trying - it seems to be dead) but I feel like I would be fine if I could just have a break and have the time to sort everything out that needs doing!

Sorry - that is far far too long, I just can not see a way out anymore.

This is all far too much for someone to cope with.

I like to find the root of peoples problems, but I think you have several problems.

For a start, your work is much too far away form where you live.
And why are you living in that particular flat. It sounds a nightmare.

Oh and meant to add, there is no need for your parents to adopt her.
Like you said, if you were able to have a rest and a break, that would probably help you a great deal.

I am not sure what to say about your DD. But I cant imagine that any DD is going to want to spend that long in a pushchair. That seems far too long.

Can you move nearer family for support? Or have childcare nearer wherE you live, as after a day shattered from play with a childminder my toddler would be just the same- tired, hungry, over stimulated.

Not saying you do nt have pnd ( well it would be depression at this stage as I think they stop calling it pnd when child is 2 I think) but if that is first time you seen a dr to give you medication and offer cbt without seeing you again seems a bit quick. We all have bad days and sometimes we need to Chang the things that are causing us stress. Tablets and cbt may not change the fact you have a toddler but may help you in other ways.

Can you contact your health visitor and ask to talk to her as me if your issues is your dd's behaviour and how you deal with it. They can give you listening , advice and maybe support groups etc.

Your flat sounds awful. You say you have no other option but this place took you on so elsewhere other places could. Is there any reason you have a 3 hr commute. I would be shattered with that and have no energy for a toddler!!! Can you either reduce commute or put childcare near where you live so child not got so long on a bus? Or be near family to help ( not an option for me either).

Thank you so much for your replies last night - I was having a lovely sleep.

We moved to this house becauses it's a huge bungalow, with a lovely big garden and when we looked around the landlords said that everything was going to be fixed before they got tenants in - and then we arrived and nothing had been done. We've learned in future to get any repair promises in writing before signing a contract, as the landlords have no memory of promising to do anything - they can't even recognise that there is disrepair! We are paying £1500 a month for this place :( I am looking around for something else, but loads of landlords are really fussy about children and the fact that we are both new in our jobs (due to move) they want guarantors who earn £40,000 or more spare each year and we just don't know those kind of people. We are not even on HB, so don't have that to contend with - but don't have passports, which apparently a lot of banks need for BTL mortgages.

Unfortunately my childminder is near a relatives house, where we stayed temporarily for a while when we first came to the area. Then when we moved to our current house we didn't want to move dd as she was so happy and settled and thought it was selfish of us to move her to something nearby for convenience - the childminder is 90 minutes away from our house, and my work is a further 90 minutes away from there.

I'm going to university at the end of september so my commute will reduce to more like 2 hours instead. We are looking at nurseries but very worried about unsettling her further, as we have already unsettled her by moving earlier in the year - and looks like we'll have to move again soon.

I stopped seeing the health visitor team when dd was around 3 months old as I found them lacking in knowledge about children, but I could ask them about behaviour - I used to have a really supportive nct group but all there parenting seems so perfect now, I don't feel I could approach them.

The in laws have offered for us to move in with them - but then I'll have to commute to university (and my husband too) and it will take us about 2 hrs 30 to get there, and 2 hrs 30 to get back - so it's not fantastic, but similar to what we are doing now I suppose.

If you moved in with family you could save your rent so you had 6 weeks deposit so if you wanted to move out nearer Uni or your jobs then you had that option.

Agree moving dd lots may not be ideal but moving her once to make things better for everyone may be an option?

Yes, that's true, we would be able to save a bit - our travel costs would be extortionate so wouldn't be able to save that much, would also need to find some childcare too.

i cant offer much advice as i suffer depression myself, but reading your post sounds like its very stressful.

i know you say the commute would be similar if you moved in with in laws but at least you wont have the stress of the house and its problems as well as everything else maybe?

I do feel like I wish somebody else would just make all the decisions for me - I'm normally the bossy headstrong one so my husband is finding it difficult as I normally make decisions for us all.

Thank you mouses

You cannot stay in that house :( Please find somewhere else - or get back on to the EH and tell them there is an excuse from them re the electrics - their electrician isn't the only electrician in the world, there will be others - the house is not safe how DARE they leave you like this when you are paying so much to live there!!! Bloody landlords like this make my blood boil.

I can't help but think that you need to ask your CM about what her routine is, your child is angry and hungry when she is picked up, my DD, even at the age of 8 morphs into bealzebub when she is hungry and tired. I would maybe suggest that she gives her a snack (even if you provide it) before you pick her up. This may solve the buggy issue.

You sound exhausted, can you get signed off from work? Even for a couple of weeks? Then you can focus on university.

The commuting set up that you have doesn't sound sustainable :(

No wonder you are at the end of your tether, please go and speak to your GP, they will be able to help.

I was talking to a poster yesterday about getting signed off. I am skiving at home, have been off sick the last two days. Feel very guilty and anxious about this as i'm in a team of two and there's so much that needs to be done for next week but when I think about going out my heart starts aching - I get painful palpitations when stressed.

I have made an appointment with the gp on friday to ask about getting signed off. I've been given citalopram as I said, but don't want to take it without asking some more questions of the gp, as I've had bad experiences with anti-d's before (I do have a history of depression), and don't think I should have been given this one as I take a sumatriptan?

Unfortunately my Environmental health officer is now on holiday till next week, which is when the landlords have suggested getting an electrician in to take a look - 3 weeks after the deadline from EH. They are aware of the landlords excuses as they have been keeping in touch so it has made me feel a bit helpless and like there's nothing they can do we just have to wait and see. I emailed the university housing team today to see if they could help, though I know all their family flats have already been let out.

I will mention the issue re hungry child to my childminder, she has given tea to her in the past for late pick ups so maybe that would help. But I think she is just bored on the journey home, which isn't fair to her really.

Thank you so much for your replies - it helps so much just to know that somebody has listened (well, read) and cares.

I did a quick google and it does appear that there interactions between citalopram and sumatriptan, i can't find what they are but it does say "inform your doctor" so maybe you could give your Dr a call and ask, they usually manage a phone consultation on the same day (fingers crossed). It may be that your Dr thought it will be ok. I take citalopram and occasionally given diazepam which interacts slightly so it doesn't necessarily rule it out. You do sound lke you have sooo much on your plate so getting signed off so you can have a good think about how to change things to make things easier sounds like a good plan. Citalopram works for me, although you can get some shitty side effects in the first few weeks, it does wear off, so if you do start them do so before you start uni.

Re your LO being bored on the journey home - i don't think so, most LOs will happily sit for a period of time in the car, i would definately ask for tea or a snack to be given.

Thank you, its good to hear about your experience of citalopram, I've been googling and all the horror stories are highlighted. I read the leaflet in depth yesterday - and reading the side effects did not help my anxiety!

yeah, never read the leaflet! :) It can be a bit shite when you start although in all fairness I was lucky and just felt a bit lightheaded and spacy for the first week and it seemed to pick up my mood pretty much straight away. But do talk to your GP over your concerns. Anxiety can be exhausting so getting that sorted will sort things out. What will you be studying at university? Exciting - i am quite

Fine Art, Print and stuff, I'm going into the second year as I dropped out 3 years ago from another arty course. This whole move has been in preparation for the course so that we'd be settled in in time for the start of time - ha!