Ican't do it anymore

[EeTraceyluv]

I can't even be bothered to n/c. I can't be these two people - this 'good' mother wife and employee, this really 'clever' woman, this good daughter, Half the time I am sooo wonderful, so together, I run, I swim, I work, I look after my children. But this darkness, this pain, is horrendous. I have been through so much in my life, I had over 30 operations as a child and have been expected to 'get on with it', I lost my dad when I was 2 and he has never been mentioned since, my first husband tried to kill me and yet it was my fault, I have been a drug addict, an alcoholic, I keep trying to be counselled but I can't tell anyone the truth. I honestly want to die. Please help me.

You don't really want to die. That's why you have posted. You want some help and understanding. Has something happened today to make you feel so unhappy ?

I don't want to die, I just things to be better. I need someone to tell me it will be ok, that my mother cared , that she didn't do it for selfish reasons, but I know she did. she d I so she would be felt sorry for, yet her little girl lay there in pain for years. All she says when I try to talk about it, is, well it was awful for me you know. It's been growing for a while now. Today has been lovely. DD7 had a lovely summer party with her friends and I sat with the mummies in sunshine chatting, yet now, I can't cope. I actually can't cope.

Do you have anyone medical that is helping you ? Are you under a doctor. Has someone abused you Op? If so I am so sorry.i don't have any experience in anything like that but if you want to chat , feel free. I am sure others will be along with more knowledge soon. You obviously need some sort of help, but I'm Not sure what to advise you.have you and RL friends who can help. Maybe you can phone the Samaritans. They will
Listen to you

I have been 'on' venaflaxine for about 6 years now as I kept having 'breaking down' moments and I think they got sick of me! Most of the time I'm ok but tonight I'm just in a terrible state. It's ridiculous.

No it's not ridiculous. You can't help how you are feeling. I would suggest that you go back to your doc and see if you need to take anything else or change medication. Sometimes the world appears to be a scary and horrible place. Do you get help with the children. Are you finding it difficult to cope with everything. How long have you Been feeling this low ?

What has caused you to be so sad today ?

Hi OP sometimes best not to name change I never do to come on MN section, I'm sorry you are feeling so low has something triggered it today?

MH not MN.

Are you on your own tonight?

Not on my own, I have dd her friend, lovely ds13 and dh with me but I just feel so grim. They are all so used to 'mummy's moods' but tonight, I just feel so low. Maybe the trigger was dd having such a lovely party ( she has the same condition as me and there is no way I am putting her through any surgery) - she was so bright and beautiful and happy - all I can remember of my childhood was gloom and hospital and my mother refusing to answer questions about my father. It's just been building up for so many years. She will NEVER take responsibility for putting me through that pain and when dd was born with the same condition, she was so awful. She actually said ( as I was an older mother) 'down syndrome would have been better' we both have one ear. It is ridiculously nothing and dd is the brightest, most beautiful child ever. She passed an exam for a very exclusive independent school, she is just amazing and her one ear and hearing has never bothered her, but every time my mother comes round, it's all 'don't show he r ear' 'put her hair over her ear' 'don't tell anyone' anmd it's all coming back to me how scared I was about 'showing' my ear, about 'letting people know I was a freak. I wish I could talk to her but all she does is cry. is it ok, to hate yet love your mother?

You are not a freak ! Who on earth said that. That is a really cruel thing to say to somebody. I'm sure you must of suffered having so many operations and your childhood would of been blighted by that I'm sure. How does your dd cope with the situation ? Does she just accept that it is just the way she was born. Children are great at adapting with whatever problems they have. You and your dd should feel proud of who you are and you should never have to hide what happended to you like a dirty secret.

I hope it is okay Tracey because I feel the same way about mine.

You know your DD is healthy and had a lovely today with her, and it sounds like you've had a crappy childhood and don't want her to have the same, nothing wrong with that all.

You have to try to detach from your DM if she makes you feel so low.

Look to the positives all the time (i know its hard to see them sometimes but find one)

You're not a freak to have one ear, none of us are born perfect we all have our flaws it's how we deal with them and it sounds to me like you're dealing with your DD wonderfully well.

Can you talk to your dh?

What is it that your afraid to tell the counsellor, don't say if you would rather not.

Morning - I'm sorry I disappeared. I called my sister in a state and h came over to see me. Still feeling fed up but hopefully today will be a better day. I am gong to write it all down. I may send it to my mother, I may not, but time help. DH is wonderful - he totally understands how I fee and what she is like, but I have to get through it on my own really.

Yes that's a good idea to write everything down, sometimes it's easier to express yourself . When you try and speak to Elle it's easy to get in a muddle and miss things out. Wether you send it to your mum is your choice. But it may be cathartic for you to write it, you can say exactly what you want to say. Glad your dh is supportive a d hope you will have a better day today

Thank you.

Hope you have had a much better day today

Oh thank you I have. I spent time dd - dh and ds went out and just tried to think things through logically. I will write it all down when I'm ready and wait for the counselling. Currently watching Michael Macintyre which is a wonderful remedy

Snap I also am watching him. I was hoping Micky Flanagan would be on. I love him. So glad you have had a nice day, hope things improve for you a bit each day ooh I like John bishop tool !

Ps lovely to see the smiley faces

Hi op.
Glad you are feeling better today.

I just wanted to add that yes, it is ok to "hate yet love your mother".
You love her, but hate her behaviour. A normal thing to do for lots of people.

Here's hoping that you have an even better day today

slept a bit rubbish - things going through my mind - BUT tomorrow we are off for a short break with the children and BM (bloody mother) is coming here to look ate the house and cat. This is stressing me as I know she will complain about everything - oh, you know in a faux 'hilarious' way 'Your dead plants make me laugh' 'You have so much 'stuff', how can you live with it all' 'You're what I call 'top tidy aren't you dear'. Have made her bed up but know she'll probably bring her own bedding (Do you iron pillowcases? I thought not..) She's coming tonight so DH and I are using the opportunity to go out for a while together. Hopefully all will be ok. I'm going to use this break as a chance to just try to start getting things 'well' in my mind.

Yes that's a good idea, the break may help you get things clearer in your head, sometimes life can be overwhelming and needs a bit of an overhaul to work out what can make it better for you.
Just shut your mind off if your mum stars Prattling on about things. It's your house and you can keep it how you want ! Just don't let it get you down,

DH has to leave the room when she starts!

Buy him some ear plugs