Sibling of an addict with enabling mother - help!

[StarlightMcKenzie]

Also posted in relationships as not sure where is the best place:

If we don't get some help now I fear we'll just leave the two of them to it to destroy themselves.

She let my brother threaten me very aggressively in front of my frightened 6 and 4 year old for 'daring' to mention I could smell cigarette smoke in my late father's house that 'they' are renovating to sell (and have been for almost 3 years with him on a wage of £200 per week plus a blank cheque for all work he says he is paying others to do, most of which never happens) with him living there with all food and bills paid whilst she is mostly banished.

She has to respond within half a minute of a text for him otherwise 'he might find it difficult to control his temper and take it out on the house, or refuse to do anything for a few days though still needing the money for drugs otherwise he'll HAVE to break the law to get them' blah blah blah.............

I'm sure those of you who have been there don't need the rest....

Anyway. My DB and I finally admitted that WE needed some support, now in our 30s as this 'relationship' has dominated most of our lives and consumed all of the energy of our parents and will without doubt kill our mother, and consume all of her resources either before or after she has gone.

Are there any books that can a)help us deal with our own issues, and b)give us more helpful responses to some of the just STUPID things that our mother says as if they are perfectly normal behaviours or justifications. Mostly she is passive aggressive and says things like 'you can choose to believe that I am doing that because of X if you like, and there is nothing I can do to change the way you choose to feel'.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Anyone?

Addaction offer support to relatives of addicts. There may be other organisations (your library or local church may have some contact details - it is worth a try).
You must be at your wit's end.
Not sure how much actual practical help you can get as your mum sounds like she is refusing to admit there is a problem and your post says she is enabling his behaviour/addictions.

As you have young children it may be worth distancing yourself and them from any aggressive or threatening behaviour from this man. They really don't need that and neither do you.

This will suck all the joy out of their growing up if you let it get you down.

Hope you find some support soon.

I don't understand you saying your mother " let" your brother threaten you. Do you mean she has failed to condemn it or that you expected her to stop him?

Thank you Notmy. Luckily for us we don't see much of my brother as they live far away, but I have realised that I have been very reluctant to go to the house and see it's progress for well over a year and only did at my DM's insistence.

Having been away and out of their relationship for that time, and then becoming immersed in it just for 4 days I was absolutely shocked to the core about the illusionary world them both lived in and the unashamed and open nature of their abusive relationship. It isn't new, but it is the first time I had had enough of a break to have stepped outside and see it differently/more objectively.

The world I had been hearing about from my DM was so far away from the reality of it.

Hoopers, What I mean by 'let' is that she took his side, and joined in, not with the threatening behaviour but by agreeing with him that roll-ups weren't actually smoking and that he, having trained as a plasterer once in prison knows about property and what smells are acceptable, whereas I don't.

I have to make it utterly clear here that I mentioned it ONCE, to my mum, when my brother was in a different room, and didn't argue back, to be then subjected to about 10 minutes of an aggressive rant and threats which my mum changed her story, and then, when my brother insisted that he 'needed to get away from the controlling bitch' so required money to do so, took money from my mum and when gone, my mum had a go at me and told me to 'just go home' (that's 300 miles btw, with 3 under 6s).

My brother put her through hell when she told her I was visiting (according to other sibling), insisted we couldn't stay there because it was a building site (it wasn't, but there was a strategically placed saw in the middle of the living room), and I suspect that this whole drama was designed to ensure that either she never invited us again, or that we just didn't come.

That's what I mean by 'let' I guess.

Polter He isn't working. He just says that he'd never be able to get a job if he is known by the agencies as an addict. .

He says he really wants a job, but can't get one because my mum wants him to work on her house. So he is making a huge sacrifice and working for her for 'just' £200 a week (not that I have seen much evidence of work tbh) and having to live in her house and eat her crap food when he 'could' easily be earning £160 per day as a plasterer.

Thanks Polter. Doubt my brother would make any changes.

He has AT LEAST £800 disposable income a week, with a 3 bed house and food (though often this is given in cash too, and he is a labouring MAN right, so his food costs are high). This is far more disposable income than we have as a family and my DH has a PHD and we have both worked for years.

bump?

Hi Star...

The difficult thing here is that when it comes to addiction there is nothing you can do.

The level of complexity in a relationship and family dynamic like this is staggering and it is completely beyond your control or influence really.

I have experience of this both in relation to my father's alcoholism but also watching a very complex dynamic between my grandmother, aunt and her 30 year old severely mentally ill son who grew up in my house. Recently he has been violent to my aunt for the first time and my grandmother says such things as 'of course that's because she (my aunt) let them section him' or 'he needs to get out of there (the psych ward) or it will drive him crazy, why does she let them get away with holding him in there?'. My cousin has hallucinations, paranoia, very serious mental illness but - and this will make you laugh! - my grandmother is convinced it's just misdiagnosed autism. It's not. And actually it's not the illness but all the family fucked upness that really causes the suffering.

The key Star is no different to all the other frustrating wrangling you have to deal with. Have as little involvement as possible and take steps to protect your own mental wellbeing as it unfolds. I am really enjoying Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.. it's based on radical behaviourism and mindfulness. A few key self help books (the Happiness Trap/the Reality Slap) are currently in the kindle summer sale for just over a quid a piece.

Addiction sucks as does codependency in the family but the key for you really is to try not to get involved yet keep yourselves and your kids safe. It's infuriating which is why mindfulness can help.. sometimes you have to just ride the storm.

And really it's not your DB but your DM you have to let go. That is nigh on impossible to do in a situation like this without experiencing considerable pain and discomfort but if she is stuck on this way of viewing the relationship, there is really nothing you can do apart from calmly point it out and stay firm as a witness and accept it if that makes her withdraw from you. I have watched my mother go through this with my grandmother. She is in her 80s and far too involved... and none of us are kidding ourselves that she is not also at risk from my cousin, more so because he is now asking to live with her and she is (rightly) saying no. Yet no one can make her do anything differently or disengage or stop making excuses and denying reality. She is perfectly compos mentis herself and as difficult as it is, it is her choice. It's also hard for everyone to see the toll it takes on her and how it makes her unavailable to everyone else and without any other topic of conversation. But it is what it is.

Thank you. Actually, my last post made me look like I was whinging about my db getting money for free when we had to work. I didn't mean that at all. I meant that I can't believe there is ANY reason for him to change his ways.

The frustrating thing with my DM is HER stories. If we so much as look down sadly when she tells what is quite obviously a fabricated story, she'll jump on it immediately and ask why we can't just get on with our DB.

Her most frequent comments are about how she is caught in the middle of sibling rivalry and listens to us all equally and makes up her mind independently, - about what I have yet to discover, as me and my non-addict sibling gave up years ago pointing out the obvious.

When db screamed to her that I was trying to control her in the recent incident she sighed and said 'Well, your sister is always saying that you are trying to control me', which shocked me because though it is what I believe I have understood for a long time that saying it would be pointless, and because it was a clear attempt to 'equal the sides' and pitch her in the middle of what she likes to believe is sibling squabbling.

'And actually it's not the illness but all the family fucked upness that really causes the suffering.'

Yes. I'm thinking more and more that it is my DM that is the biggest issue tbh.

If she abandoned my brother he'd either sink or swim. I believe he'll swim because he's bright and a survivor. Her faith in him is less than mine. If he sinks then that is only because she's held him up so long he's either forgotten how to swim, or because he had already sunk most of the way.

Working Can you tell me a bit more about The therapy you mentioned?