Psyche ...or sorry for me? (long)

[Onestepwonder]

I don't want to discuss this with family & friends but live alone and so its hard to know whether I am just feeling sorry for myself, or am really not well. So thought I would come to the amazing MN to get some perspective on whether I am just becoming a miserable old bat, or if I am ill and really need some help.
All input welcome,please.

Hard to put a long complicated life into a few sentences, but probably enough to say that there has been a lot of loss, a lot of abuse, and a couple of bouts with depression (one major). Have finally found peace in my life at nearly 60. Divorced, with three supportive kids and four grandchildren Lights of my life. Bit of a complicated issue with one of my children who has SN, so I do have an ongoing major financial commitment akin to a mortgage. Moved 4 years ago to a nice country town, so no mortgage on my home - but no true friends locally either. Have some close friends that I can talk to at any time on the phone.

I have worked part-time from home for several years, successfully, but expect my employer to go bust shortly as the recession has hit us badly (and I know exactly what the figures are ) Have been looking to jump ship, but it appears that with my age and only experience, rather than qualifications, on the CV, its looking pretty hopeless. If it happens, I will be in meltdown. No pension, and probably not able to get benefits (there is a Trust which pays to help my SN DS but it would show as 'my' income).

Have ever been an introvert, although can socialise cheerfully if I need to. Just haven't felt inclined since moving. I tried at the start but very superficially. The same with looking for love again. Just can't be bothered, and would never trust again anyway. Thats all been fine.
But.

I know I am not behaving the right way. I sleep on the sofa most nights (why?? I bought the loveliest comfy bed when I moved in). Fall asleep in the evening, and then wake up and wander around at 3am. I don't really eat. I can stay in the same clothes for days, and not bath, if I am not going to be seen (and I just don't answer the door if a neighbour knocks unexpectedly). I leave washing up sitting for a couple of days.
Sometimes I forget things, I think.
I have started a silly habit of walking round and round in the kitchen, thinking. But whereas usually I think 'normally' (and I have to think fast on my feet when I am working) sometimes my head seems to be sort of empty of only a few thoughts or two which go round like hamsters on a wheel. Thats not all the time. Just sometimes.
And I can lose hours doing pretty much nothing.

I don't feel clinically depressed (at least not symptoms I recognise from the last time) and I am able to fully function when I need to. Sort the house if the kids are coming. Smart grooming if I have to see clients, or go into the office.

I feel as though I shouldn't be this way, but don't know how to stop really. No energy or desire to do things which need doing.
I don't want to go to the GP unless there is real cause.

So, please can you tell me. Am I just being lazy and sorry for myself, as my stepfather always said I was, because I have no-one to please but me, so this is just indulging myself.
Or are these signs of mental breakdown. Or early dementia?
And what can I do.

sorry this has been so very long in the explaining.

To me it sounds like you have several major changes to face and a time of possible stress and uncertainty. I am not a medic so cannot diagnose but would you feel this way if had friends round the corner and a secure job and pension?

Could you begin making new contacts/friends in your new area to help alleviate the loneliness?
Job wise if you happy to do a different type job there are places that will employ experienced people so worth sending your cv to local places maybe? For similar type work or look at where you could work locally.

Perhaps go and see your local CAB office or similar agency to discuss possible benefits, access to state pension or the local job agency for support. Benefit wise if made redundant then perhaps JSA or other ones, again asking the right agency may help.

Thank you, Hoop.
Just don't understand why the current stress level would make me this way, when I've survived much much greater stresses.
Would I feel different is a good question.
I don't know.

You said if you lost your job you would be in meltdown, that was why you sounded as if you were facing stressful situations right now. And when we face stresses we often cope differently or it affects us in different ways.

There is an an acronym I have found helpful that says if we struggle to do any of the following then we HALT, in answer to whether you are breaking down, dementia etc. it says if we are:
H hungry
A angry
L lonely
T tired
Then we can just halt.

Then to help us mentally we need to address the one/s that is affecting us.

So could you start by having a set bedtime say and making yourself go to bed, so that you can hopefully improve sleep? Or whatever is relevant.

It is just you say you are aware you are not sleeping in your bed or eating, so your body is physically under more stress and that can affect thinking. Not saying there is not anything else wrong with you but changing what you can, or trying to, could help maybe.

My fault for trying to keep things brief, when so much to add in. I should have said it would be financial meltdown.
Emotionally, it will be an unknown abyss, but part of me thinks I will have been through worse.
You have made me think though that part of the whole problem may be that 'life wasn't supposed to end up this way'. Middle age was supposed to be stable and comfortable and retiring to the South, not alone and worrying and having no-one to care for but me. So whats the point.

Is this depression - just wearing different colours.