dont even know what title to have!

[mouses]

sorry in advance for this ramble. just vent on here cos some one might understand or 'get' me?

i feel so messed up it wont even make sense! i dont even really want to talk BUT feel i need to get it off my chest?

im spending ridiculous amounts of money on 'projects' that i start and then end up not doing or leaving unfinished, then get the guilt feelings cos ive spent too much. i know i shouldnt buy things but do.

i aint sleeping too well at the moment, too many racing thoughts that i cant even tell you what they are???!!!!! my heart feeling like it beating too fast, feel anxious, panicky.

lately the introsive thoughts have been horrible. sitting on a bus i thought i cant die cos my DD will live with her dad and my DS's from ex DP will live with him - so she wont see them. so not only would she have to come to terms with not having me - but her brothers too! yet this dont stop me thinking about it?

the other evening i was running her a bath, leaning over swooshing the bubble bath around i had thoughts of someone coming up behind me and pushing my head under the water - and then hers! it was horrid. few weeks before that i was out walking my dog when i had a thought that DD fell into the canal.

i feel lost, guilty that my kids have to deal with a mum like me cos they dont go out, life is horrible with a parent like me ( my mum was like it so i know) still this dont shake me out of what ever 'it' is?

i hate everything, feel so agressive and angry. on flip side i wouldnt upset any one - id rather be hurting my own feelings then some one elses.

this aint even half of how i feel, but dont know how to put things in words? all i know is that im a mess. wish there was a way out without hurting any one.

dont even know what ive done to deserve it? i feel like a burden on people who know me who try to help/understand?

im jealous of people who can socialise, laugh, have fun...be themselves, enjoy life. i hate it, i hate waking up every day to a mental fight!
probably making no sense at all.

You need to visit your doctor. You sound anxious and depressed.
You are not a burden. Make that appointment, if you feel you can't explain yourself properly, write your feelings down and show that to the doctor.

I agree with Anna you really need to see a GP about what is happening to you mouses as some of the things you mention really do sound like extreme anxiety and depression.

Also agree that you should write the things down that are happening in a list - like a shopping list:

eg. Can't sleep
Racing thoughts in my head stopping me sleeping
Having horrid intrusive thoughts about death
Feel aggressive and angry
Spending lots of money and then feeling guilty

and so on.................don't worry what the dr will think, just write it all down in a list and give it to him/her. Maybe book a double appointment. There is help for people suffering mental illness both in drugs and "talking" therapies, but your first port of call must be the GP.

I am wondering if you suffered any childhood trauma as that often "follows" you into adulthood. Did your mum get any help when she was suffering.

Do you have a husband or partner. You obviously have friends/family who try to help you but you end up feeling like a burden. I think you have very low self esteem and can't think well of yourself and this happens when we are mentally ill. I have intermittent depression and anxiety and I know how bloody awful it makes you feel.

You put yourself down all the time and this is another symptom of mental illness. You say you have only told half of how you feel. Do you want to say more - and your original post does make sense. Do you have a husband or partner and if so are they supportive.

hi anna

yes i regulary go to gp, im awaiting access and assessment team next week. im on fluoxetine and gp prescribed diazepan (not sure of spelling off hand)

just feel like ive got no where to turn to?

sorry nanna cross posted.

ive been on mumsnet a while and have spoke to you before under different name.

gp is aware of my list of on going symptoms and has refered me to be assessed by psych. still this still doesnt help me in the mean time, i feel like a ticking time bomb!

i do have a partner but we dont live together. my illness had pushed us to breaking point!

i actually dont have friends, i have one. my neighbour has a schitz son and a recovered depressed daughter so i talk to her sometimes. but that it. family are absent.

im anti social, cant bear conversations. dont like gatherings. if i didnt have kids i wouldnt get out of bed, only leave the house if i need to. i do most of my spending on line - even my shopping is tesco delivered!

my only friend lives 2mins away so its not so bad.

i hear voices, most of my visions are of dead people, hate change, every thing has a place, has to be organised.

i fight the urge to self harm, if i wasnt body dysmorphic id probably cut and scratch myself to bits but i panic about my appearance as it is! i have eating problems, no self esteem, confidence.

feel irritable, tired, get migranes, some days wake up feeling like i would stab any one who says boo to me!
other days im racing around like mad - talk to fast, too much, then think about a new project while im feeling upbeat. spend spend spend!

i feel crazy! un-hinged. some times i cant even put how i feel into words and its only when im on here some one has the same symptoms but has explained what i couldnt - if that makes sense?

Oh glad you are going to be assessed by a psychiatrist. I don't think GPs know a great deal about mental illness and psychs are usually good at diagnosing and treating. Hope the appt is sooner rather than later.

Reading your list of symptoms makes me very tired :). Maybe you need a good rest ( and the assessment)? Your behaviour could be bipolarish but I am not a doctor.

Hopefully you get you diagnosis/meds/therapies sorted :)

i guess it does sound tiring!

i need to keep busy or i find it makes me more irritable, some nights im still up at 2am! then other days i cant move / get motivated. its like one extreem to the the other! there seems no balance.