Just can't cope anymore.

[Stripedmum]

I've recently had a breakdown.

Long story short I've had two extremely difficult pregnancies due to a serious illness that could affect me and the babies, had two awful labours, two lots of postnatal anxiety/depression and I've just not felt right for years. I don't think it's anxiety/depression - I just feel like there's something not right as I don't feel right and the GPs and mental health team and psychiatrist and counsellor and family etc etc just won't believe me. I just don't feel like me through the days and I only improve at night.

DH is back at work tomorrow after two weeks off whilst I've done my utmost to get back on track (ridiculously healthy diet, exercise, CBT) I just can't see me coping or having any quality of life if I do manage it.

I hate it. I am clearly just not cut out to be a mother. I just never thought life could be so fucking shit. I'm sick of desperately trying to keep myself together - for what? For another day of feeling utter despair and panicking about the responsibility of looking after my toddler and baby at the same time?

I feel like I'm pathetic.

I'm sorry for the ramble. I just needed to get that out. Petrified about tomorrow.

You are not pathetic, you are doing your best.
Do you have much support from family?
You say its not depression and yet you feel utter despair, wondering, do meds help at all?

Hi Anna. I do and I don't. I have my mum who is great but she obviously can't be there all the time.

I just don't want to have meds. I feel it's the one thing that's left of any personality/choice/preference that I have left - that I just don't want them. I hope that makes sense but I just really don't want them - I go chapter and verse into why but the truth is I just really, really don't want to try ADs. I just don't think they're the answer.

I feel like I'm the only person on the planet that's gone through this fucking weirdness in my head for so long and that makes me feel so isolated and lonely. I just want it to stop now. I'm fed up.

I hate being a SAHM because of 'it'. It's totally ruined the experience of having two beautiful children and I can never envisage being well again. I just feel trapped in hell and like there's no way out. What have I done to deserve it?

Basically I'm just a useless piece of shit that can't cope, is mentally broken, worried I'll never feel normal again, scared of being alive, feel like a total failure as a human being and never thought my life would take this dreadful turn.

So, these feelings have only been there since you've had children,
Is it that you feel out of control ever since you've been a SAHM
Would going out to work even part time help?

Funnily enough that's what the psychiatrist said - I was 'out of control' and needed to find a way back. Thank you for answering me Anna - I feel a lot better of an evening.

Yes since I had kids. I just don't think I'm gaining 'coping' skills as fast as others.

Hi there, couldn't not write to you. After having my DS and suffering from severe PND/anxiety I was against ADs for all the reasons you cited but thank goodness I was persuaded otherwise by a dear friend. Within weeks I was back to my old self and more importantly I could enjoy being a Mum - as I always thought I would. I am sad that I missed out on enjoying those early days because of this awful illness but am so grateful I took ADs and got better quickly. I adore being a Mum now 3 years on. Please re think as you will never get this precious time back again and it can be fixed - it doesn't have to be this way x

I have to agree with EmmaJane, ADs have made a big difference to my life. If you find the right one for you they can be life savers.

Many people have a reisitantance to taking them, like its a weakness?
But its not, it can be a chemical imbalance that ADs correct.

If someones a diabetic they take insulin to replace the missing hormone, so if someone is depressed they might need to take ADs.

Depression tends to be at its worse in the morning, improving later in the day.
Emmas right, it does not have to be this way.