how to deal with DH anxiety/hoarding and particularness..

[Sparrowlegs248]

....which isn't even a word.

DH is 37. We have been together 12 yrs, i'm his only long term relationship. He lived with parents before we bought our house (which we did v late in the relationship compared to most!)

Two main issues. He will not throw magazines away yet buys several a month. The house is covered in very neat piles of them. His shed is so full he can't get in it - not mags, other crap. And a lot of it IS crap. He won't put clothes away, our room and spare room again covered in piles.

Next issue - general grumpiness about stuff which i think is due to anxiety. Where the neighbours park, how much noise they make. Stuff that i really don't give two hoots about. He goes on and on and on and i honestly have no idea what to say. If i agree with him it makes it worse, if i um and ah he carries on. If i say 'i'm not really bothered by it' he carries on. And thinks i'm telling him he's wrong. Occasionally a particular neighbour shouts and swears loudly at his children this bpthers me but i don't want to talk about it for 2 hours.

I can't get housework done because of the stuff. Last time i did he complained because i had (apparently) scratched the hoover and i should look after things better. I do think he has some sort of 'problem' but am not sure how best to address it.

I have just put cat towels and bed in the washer and am already worrying that he will not be happy. Shook them off first and will swill the washer out but still.

I am off work today tomorrow and tomorrow i am going to start by putting the clothes away.

If anyone can suggest the best way to deal with these issues i'd be grateful.

P.s. That post makes it sound dreadful. He has a lot of good points! But i don't need help with those.

Would he go and talk to a doctor?
The hoarding is probably connected with anixety issues. Therapy could help, or meds maybe.
Its not a happy enviroment for you, sounds like you are walking on eggshells.

No i don't think he would. I hate to try to explain to him that its not normal behaviour although have said that once before in anger. I don't know if me starting to behave differently (eg with the clothes) will 'jolly him along' for want of a better expression would help and highlight the difference. At the moment i feel like i am almost encouraging it by not saying a lot and just letting it go. I don't want to be a nag!

You obviously love him. Could you write him a loving letter, explaining how you feel and asking him to get help as you are strugggling to deal with the mess?
You and your needs matter too, if he is a good guy he should be able to acknowledge that, though it might be hard for him.
How about his family are they any help, or are they the problem?

Thanks for your replies. Parents are the problem i'm afraid. Dad is very anxious (although a clean freak!) and mum just lets them get on with it, very nice lady but will NEVER say a thing. I'm thinking about a letter but might try to make a few small changes myself and if they don't work or he gets upset, will give him the letter. I haven't hoovered since the scratched hoover thing. Utterly ridiculous!

I'd be interested to hear from others who have partners.....i saw a comment recently on AIBU from someone re her partners feelings about the neighbours parking. Can't remember who...

My dh is like this. He gets it from his father. It is just like walking on eggshells and I find myself worrying about not doing something the 'right' way in case he finds me doing it and it sets him off. I used to sneak to the tip with my stuff when he was at work because he hated me throwing anything out (even my stuff)

He goes mad if anything gets damaged or broken, yet he has broken and damaged my stuff before and he never puts it right.

He gets anxious if I mention a day trip and isn't up to going anywhere on holiday. I paid a lot of my own personal money to have our attic converted into a room (our house is small) and he's now filled it with all his crap. The bedroom is full of his stuff and he won't tidy properly or store it neatly.

The anxiety makes him feel tired, so he doesn't do as much as she should around the house. I have suggested that he goes to the doctor for some SSRIs, but he denies that anything is wrong

I mostly ignore him now and just do my own thing with the dcs. I can't rely on him for very much and it makes me angry to see him all whittery and jittery esp. when he won't help himself.

You have my sympathy. I honestly don't know what to suggest because you end up trapped in a cycle of desperately trying not to upset them, but you get upset yourself.

Thank you hiddenhome i really think i have enabled him to get worse and i WILL start to change this in the morning. I am off work and have a list to tackle. TBH he does sod all around the house and this is another isdue. Maybe if i just start doing stuff it will encourage him? There is a 1970's standard lamp, lampshade and a massively too big leather jacket that he got (for me!!).from a charity shop. They have been there for about a year. I will try to take them to the tip tomorrow.

Blimey, we must be married to the same person. Sounds just like my dh. Mine does very little around the place either (apart from fill it up with crap). Mine lived with his parents too. They had a massive house which was....yes, you've guessed it, filled with stuff esp. his father's study.

You have to kind of mentally detach from their manifestations of anxiety. I just put my ipod on now and let him rant and wring his hands. I just at him and let him get on with it. You have to be hard, esp. if they refuse help.

If you have a smart phone or ipod, go onto the App Store and look for Relaxing Brain Wave apps. Download a couple and it drowns the noise of their whinging and relaxes you at the same time

Try to have confidence in your actions and ignore/blank his hand wringing episodes. If you scratch something, it doesn't matter, keep telling yourself that. Look him right in the eye and say "ffs, nobody died, get over it". Like a broken record. It might snap him out of it for the moment, or not, but refuse to engage with his neurotic behaviour over the scratch. It's his problem, not yours and you don't need to adopt the walking on eggshells thing. I know it's hard and I still find myself doing it just to keep the peace, but lately I have been resisting his neurosis more. They like you to be neurotic too because then they have a little friend to be neurotic friends with and engage in neurotic games. It's all very self destructive and annoying. I find, if you sympathise with them, it just makes them worse. They also appreciate an audience, so leave the room if he starts whining on.

If you have time, do an internet search for Transactional Analysis Basics and try to take on board some of the ideas there. It helps with communication and assertiveness and might help steer his behaviour away from some of the stuff he does.

Get him to buy some large, plastic boxes and insist that he stores his stuff neatly and properly and away from communal areas which you both have to use. Tell him it's a fire hazard to have all those mags as well.

Personally, I think it's very selfish behaviour and they need to get themselves sorted out for everyone's sake.

Thank you again. I was thinking the rather large cupboard under the stairs would be good for storage but its full of tins of paint......apparently these will be RUINED if we store them in a shed. Although to my mind, not as ruined as the magazines would be. I'm absurdly pleased that you know what its like! I am going to start doing the stuff i would normally do, but have been putting off because of him. And i may even put a time limit on his ranting. Because the ranting pisses me off much much more than whatever he is going on about. I can't believe the state i am living in.

Can you possibly sneak some stuff out to the tip when he's not there? Would he really miss it or does he know exactly what he has?

My dh is the same with tins of paint as well

Well, today was recycle day so after he left i rifled through some newspapers and took a few from each stack!! I didn't get round to the clothes but gave the front room a good clean, including hoovering and cleaning the fire out (which has needed doing since it was last lit in about march.....) I know he would be anxious about me diing stuff, mainly because he thinks i'm not careful enough, but i am not prepared to live like this any longer. Just waiting for him to come home now and have to say i feel anxious that he will somehow find fault. Bloody pathetic. I have realised that whether he means it to be or not, his behaviour is controlling. Lets wait and see! (if he complains i am going into overdrive tomorrow!)

Good for you

Don't accept his nagging or complaints. Tell him assertively that it's your space as well and you are no longer prepared to live like this. If he insists on keeping crap, then he must store it properly and must not let it invade shared space.

They do back down if you keep repeating. If he doesn't back down and does start to bully you over it then he's not worth staying with.

If he complains keep repeating "I'm not listening to you, you're not my father/headmaster, get back to me when you stop handing out lectures". Keep repeating until it gets into his brain.